Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

If you haven't done so already, speak to a solicitor who specialises in divorce ASAP, and definitely before making the break.

So sorry OP, that’s not the life you want. Definitely get some help from women’s aid or similar, seek some legal advice also. Change locks when he is out and don’t let him back in, refer him to your solicitor for contact. He sounds like a real fucking loser as do his cousin and friends. Don’t waste your life trying to polish shit, you won’t make it shine.

cuckoo-ing is coming to mind. Be rid of him and all the dodgy people who suddenly want to impose on your and your child’s home.

'I have to tolerate this on a daily basis'
No you don't, you don't need to put up with any of this, tell him it's over and he's free to go to one of the women who would love to have sex with him. End it now before your little one is old enough to understand what is going on.

He sounds like a complete arsehole! You and your son deserve much better. Given his attitude and threats to run away with your baby, you need to contact the police and get a solicitor imo. Good luck and keep your chin up ❤

Please do not waste another second on this miserable apology for a man. Get him out now. Speak to women's aid, speak to a solicitor, if you are scared just dial 999. This is no way to live, you know it, you just need to do something about it.

Ditch the loser

Oh dear I think you know what you need to do. You and your baby will be much happier on your own.

Do what makes you happy. If you want to see him, see him. If you don’t, don’t. When you choose to see him, don’t allow him to talk about his so called friends. When he starts up , tell him to change the subject or leave. You are in charge of you!

It sounds to me like you’ve been the proverbial boiled frog, waking up to the reality. A child tests a relationship and even strong relationships can wobble with all the challenges of parenthood.

It strikes me as odd that he doesn’t have a key to your home (if I’ve read correctly), if he is at your house most of the time. It sounds like you don’t trust him and frankly, you’re right not to do so. Be very grateful that you are in separate residences and can give him the big E.

I would be wary in how you do it though as men like that can get nasty and he could get the sympathy vote from women, especially if he is sharing a false narrative behind your back. Based on what you’ve explained about his personality and the kind of stories he tells behind your back, someone is bound to advise him to go to court. It’s just the way it goes when a child is involved.

I had a similar experience with a total dirt bag. He would tell people he wasn’t seeing his kids but the reality was he was blowing off seeing them all of the time. They encouraged him to go to court when I put my foot down about his behaviour and he did to save face and then quickly lost interest again, dropping court when he realised it meant he actually needed to spend time with his children to look good to others. I don’t want to scare or upset you - ultimately outcome is he’d probably lose interest in his son anyway, but something to think about. Short of being an axe murderer, courts will allow children to be with any kind of father, even one who uses marijuana. You don’t want your son to be a weapon he can use against you, so handle the situation carefully and try not to set him off.

Honestly? Best to try and get him to decide to leave you - making less effort with appearance, being less interesting, providing less supply. Try and engineer it so he feels it’s his decision to leave you - if sex is an issue, if you keep making excuses he will likely leave you for someone else who does offer it, and you will avoid most of the drama and hopefully come to peaceful child care arrangements. If you’re really lucky he might just exit altogether.

In terms of you being slagged off, it was the same for me too. He told me (what I now to believe to be lies) very harsh things about ex-girlfriends and I swallowed if all, gullible fool that I was. They were mentally ill. They were this and that. If his friends want nothing to do with you, I would multiply by ten what he claims he’s said. Most people will put up with the partner of another, even if they don’t particularly like them. He’s probably embellished significantly and painted himself out to be a martyr. It truly sickens me the way that so many people don’t see through BS but it’s the good people who doubt themselves who end up being tarred and feathered. Meanwhile men like this go from job to job, relationship to relationship etc, and people are fooled by their charm, humour, personality etc.

Also some of the posts are a bit harsh. We don’t choose who we love, we don’t always do things that make sense to ourselves let alone anyone else. It’s a challenging situation and all anyone can do at any given time is their best. Good luck with it all OP, you’re doing the best you can and I know you will do what is best for you and your son.

It’s not you .. it’s him.
he’s abusing you … read the book why does he do that. Will give you some clarity.
take back your life. Do you, if he doesn’t like it then he can go.

I really don't understand why you have wasted so many years with this man.

Apart from being a sperm donor what does he bring to your life.

Get a grip and dump him especially while your child is a baby.

Good luck, op he's abusive and doesn't sound like can take of himself never mind a child. Do whatever you need to get him out of your life if he sees your son make sure you have got all his abuse detailed and report him. The friends might not like you but so what who wants friends like that. He's vile.

It's not his home they have separate homes

You’re rocking up days late to reply?I replied. Read the thread, keep up

Why would you stay with someone who has no respect for you....It doesn't sit well with me to read he has been smoking pot for 27 years. He doesn't care about you, you have a child together but he still very active playing out as a singleton....He is a prat,you are worth so much more, you know you are otherwise you would not have written this post. You and your child are more important than him.....and bye the way, no court would give him full custody, trust me you have nothing to worry about there... Don't let this piece of rubbish drag you down any further, he is not worthy. Take care, and do what's right for you

He's abusive, you need to get away from him. Life's not worth living with someone aggressive like that, constantly making you doubt yourself.

That's just what I was thinking! He sounds very immature for a man in his forties. OP definitely deserves better.

"I have to tolerate this on a daily basis and it's worst first thing in the mornings"
I understand your distress! they are demons until they've had that first spliff in the morning. Your partner has an addiction to weed , (and its much stronger today) it doesn't suit some people,and it sounds like he's one of them, weed stops them addressing issues which are bubbling in the background. The only way your relationship will survive is if he gives it up. I must add it is "him" that has to make that decision, or face the reality he will lose you and your child , if he really loves and cares for both of you he will (or at least try, it can take many attempts) there's organisations out there that are willing to help, I wish you all the best.

Whoo boy, does this read like my ex. Narcissistic, Love bombing, verbal and financial abuse, threatening to take away kids if I ended it all. You could have basically written about my past. Get rid. I can guarantee when dust settles and he's lovebombing someone else, once he has his claws in them properly you will barely hear a squeak from him...but in between prepare for a ton of emotional and financial abuse..

This! You and your child deserve to be happy, no one has the right to make you feel like garbage.

He’s really immature, nasty and controlling . He’s also a drug addict - people think that Marjuana is not harmful but It’s completely the opposite, especially these days . My brother had psychotic episodes from smoking too much and it honestly has changed him forever. He needs help with his smoking and it’s not your problem.
You’ve been emotionally abused and it’s time to see it for what it is . You and your child deserve so much more. Have some self respect and leave .

You need to find a professional source of support to enable you to end the relationship. He is emotionally and financially abusing you. If you are stuck talk to your GP and ask for a referral. You deserve so much more than this.

Get rid hes an ah dosent respect you do it for you're mental health and you're baby don't give him anything. You're not happy buy the sounds of it 10 years is a long time to put up with this shit. I hope you're finances are separate if you do split get him for child support its his child too.

He sounds awful.
I'm struggling to think why you'd want a child with him. He's an awful role model!
Throw him out and surround yourself with people who love you and your son.