Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

For your child, this will be his 'normal'. This will be how he believes women are treated because he looks to you to teach him by example. What you are modelling is harmful to him. He won't know any different. He will see you as he's learnt to see you and treat you as he's learnt to treat you if you continue to expose him to this.
If you can't do it for you, this needs to be the motivating factor to find the strength and support to leave this man. You have it within you, you just need to find it. It's clear that you love your child and want what's best for him and you deserve what's best for YOU as well.

Keep a record of what he says,does. Keep any text,screenshot etc
get legal advice
ask police about domestic violence protection order (dvpo)

wishing you and your son,well and sorry you’re experiencing this

@Zone2NorthLondon Not "chirruping" as you put it. It is OP's property, they're not married, he has his own place. He doesn't even have a key. Yes she absolutely should get his shit out and make herself and her child safe because currently they are not.

I’m observing it can be an over used trope on mn,that is casually advised as solution
ok.so he’s not on tenancy or mortgage in which case tell him to move out,change locks, bag up his belongings

You need to detach yourself from him mentally, don’t get caught up in what he’s saying to you, don’t get caught up in the argument because you will go round and round in circles and get nowhere. If you act like you don’t care he has nothing over you. Make a promise to yourself and your child you will be in a better peaceful place in 12 months time. Go for it

Ooh and also I would be tempted to meet his friends for dinner and be the ‘perfect’ sweetest partner for the evening, just to leave them stumped that the image they’ve been told of you doesn’t match

100 % him. The friends are irrelevant.

This is not a healthy relationship. You have a baby - you don't need a 42 year old child as well. You will be a happier mother without him. You deserve better.

Yes

OP you need to seek legal advice and look at getting an emergency court order against him to stop him from taking the baby and especially taking them and leaving the country. Is he on the birth certificate? Do not leave out any information about his abusive tendencies or his threats to kidnap the baby and parentally alienate him from you. He is not a safe parent and isn’t acting on the best interest of his child.

It can cause illnesses and issues for people who have smoked in childhood, and he started at 15. Including psychosis and memory loss.

(Aside from the obvious physical illnesses caused by inhaling anything that isn't air ofc).

How vile, to kick a woman when she’s clearly in a desperate situation. What is wrong with you? Hindsight is a beautiful thing and part of being in an abusive relationship is being conditioned to believe that being with someone who treats you in the way that the OP is being treated is normal. It’s called manipulation and gaslighting. If you’re not going to recognise the fact that the OP is trying to get herself free from this awful man who makes her life a misery and offer some practical advice and support then simply don’t bother. Educate yourself before making shameless comments and embarrassing yourself on the internet.

You're getting some wonderful advice on here from all the fabulous MNetters, well apart from the ones who like to kick you when you're down

I'll not give any more, just that you are worth more than this man and I'm sending some hugs xx

The OP thinks the problem is the friends. It isn't- the problem is the man. She needs to face up to that.

The OP’s latest update states that she’s rightly calling women’s aid in the morning. At least read all the updates before commenting, that is basic so you can comment from a place of fact.

When you are isolated and your only or main form of contact is an abuser who always protests their righteousness and how you’re always wrong it can be difficult to connect the dots and realise the real route of the problem. Again, classic manipulation tactic. Mumsnet and forums like it literally offer life changing and sometimes saving support for people who have no one else. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be that alone, without help and to be that vulnerable? Places like Mumsnet give people the opportunity to have a different perspective given to them by people who’s judgement aren’t clouded who speak from a place of experience and wanting to genuinely offer help. People who feel actual empathy for people’s situations. The kind of support a person could otherwise be without. That’s what it’s there for, to help people. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to another adult whose trigger response was to blame and shame a woman for the appalling way she’s being treated.

I feel like I'm reading my own story from 5 years ago. This was my life. Please don't let him see your son, he's using him to get to you. My ex used to complain about me breastfeeding our son and be embarrassed and not hold him when he cried. Wouldn't comfort him. He was a cheater, o found out not from him. The only difference is he wasn't on drugs instead he was a streamer and would put that before his son. He was abusive and gaslit me. The midwifes referred me to womens protection. 5 years later I have an spo on him but he still continues to try say he's changed. He's never bothered going to courts about our son, it was all words to control me. I've let him back in a few times over the years thinking he'd changed but again he was cheating.
I totally understand your heads a mess but I promise you it will feel peaceful once he's out of it. Block on everything vhange number. I've even moved location. I hope you stay strong for your baby boy 💕

Great postlived experience is powerful
you're a great example of taking that scary leap and it being ok

@yeaitsmeagain I don't believe it 'causes' psychosis. It can trigger it or exacerbate it in some people. Plenty of people smoke cannabis from a young age and it helps their mental health issues. It's a shame this guy isn't mature enough to realise if something is making your illness worse then you shouldn't do it.

These are grown adults were talking about? Right?? They sound like playground kids, my friend said this about you, you cant sit at our table, They have all created this situation themselves by cutting you out and and not "allowing" you in their home. By only hearing one side of the story and once you guys have gotten back together they've not even made the effort then, just made it worse tbh. To then accuse you of taking their friend away lol, my gosh, firstly I would be saying no, I'm not hosting I've got a baby and it's too much, also if they want to get to know you then they should be Inviting you. Not imposing on you. Then slagging you off again behind your back. You're meant to be ok to have them in your home but they won't have you in there's... just no.

But tbh at this point he sounds like a waste of time. You've got a child to think about now and these games are just pathetic, you need to put you and your child first, tell him to leave and go back to his flat, sort out when he can fit his child in to his busy schedule and let him know what he'll be missing out on, if he even cares at all.

You're doing all the work anyways and you'll have a quiet happy life. After 10 years together, a child and you're not living together, I think that says alot. These friends sounds like more hassle than they are worth and I'm sorry but your partner sounds like the biggest man-child.

You deserve better! So does your child!!

Their comments aren't theirs thou, they are his. Because they only know what he has said. He sounds vile. You don't have to put up with anything. Tell him you need a break, he's not to come to the house, if he does you'll call the police. And if he turns up, call the police.

Also I would get a lives with order through the court, if you're in the UK you can get legal aide as its a dv relationship (doesn't have to be physical abuse, can be any) you also don't need to do mediation as it's a dv relationship, let them know there's a risk he might take the child and leave with him and you need a lives with order (child arrangement order) make sure the child is registered everywhere under your name and address, drs, dentist, hv who ever you deal with. And keep receipts of any threats etc, messages.

I'd ask him for the break when he's not in your house so he can't get physical or try and take baby, please becareful, he sounds like a nasty piece of work

Are you in the UK? If you ate, to make it formal you need to go to court! But just so you know when there's an arrangement in place all it means is you have to make the child available, but he doesn't show up, and there's nothing you can do, you have to let it happen alot, and him to be completly Inconsistent efore it can go back to court, and hell do things like just never tell you if he's coming or not and he'll either show or not and you'll just have to deal with it. It doesn't sound like he's interested in the child, he wants a maid and a free ride. Do not let him stay over. It's half an hour, it's not that much petrol. He wants you to do all the work and get all the benefits. But really don't let him take him untill you've got some legal advice.

He can be adamant all he likes. You don't have to let him see him at all really till you go to court because of the threats to you and he baby. Funny how he can drive to you every day to see him but when it's to come to yours to pick the child up or for the party that's an issue lol. He'll just weasel his way back In

A lodger would pay rent, he pays naff all and expects to be waited on hand and foot... what a waster!

Supervised contact may be the way to go. Is he on the child's birth certificate? Please seek legal advice as it sounds like he could use the baby as a pawn to hit back at you for standing up for yourself. Forget about how he acted at the start of the relationship: this is who he is.