Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

Ditch the partner. Getting rid of his unpleasant friends will be a welcome bonus. And he can't just 'take' his son, nor is it likely that he will want to. Being a father is not compatible with his Peter Pan lifestyle. The more probable outcome is that he won't bother to contact his son at all.

This isn’t a mutual decision and you don’t need his permission to break up!

He sounds controlling and abusive though. Is there a friend or family you can stay with with your son just in case x

Whyyyy did you get back together with him AND have a baby!?

If he doesn't have a key then brill, just bag his shit up and leave it out front. Tell him to fuck off and find one of these women that'll be happy to be his sex slave/cleaning lady/verbal punching bag.

You can sort child arrangements once the dust has settled, ignore his "I am going to take my child" threats - he won't. It'll get in the way of all of his and his childish, scummy, middle aged mates 'social' lives ie drugs.

What absolute fucking losers.

If he has threatened to “take your child away” then I would consider changing the locks on YOUR home. If you can ask someone to watch your child and then tell him somewhere neutral that you are ending your relationship then that might be better.

Just take care because he does sound like an immature pig.

this summarises my thoughts very nicely. Stop wasting headspace on his friends, they shouldn’t even be on your radar!

He badmouths you to all his friends and he probably lies to you about them too.

Any man who tells you 'everyone else thinks xyz (aka: about you)' or 'most/all other women think/would love xyz' is an abuser. Normal people don't feel the need to make you feel small/stupid/weird or, crazy for not putting up with shit behaviour.

Looks like he told his friend he couldn't spend time with him because of you. When infact he was just off with other friends.

Personally, I'd throw a party/dinner and invite all his friends and be sweetness and light the whole time. And like 'I'm sorry we've never got to meet...John doesn't like mixing his friends with mine' and if they accuse you of anything, look puzzled and go 'but...that's not true. Why would you think such a thing? ... ... he said what? How odd. I'm sorry i think you must have misunderstood, I've never done that'. Like basically plant the seed that he's a big fat liar.

Then once the party is over, file for divorce.

I'd meet them first so they have that seed of doubt planted. Like 'she seemed nice when we saw her'. Then when you leave him they'll think 'I wonder if it's because she found out he had been lying about her to everyone'. Then they'll turn on him the first time he acts in a way they don't like xD

But I'm petty like that.

Either way, run. Fast and far.

Tell him to get lost

Put in a claim with the CMS

Change the locks

Is he on the birth certificate?

This is seriously concerning. Is he on the birth certificate?

I wouldn't tell him anything. Change the locks and dump him via text. If you need to communicate about your son, set up a separate email account specifically for this purpose and only communicatie strictly about relevant facts.

Block him on everything else.

What have I just read ?? I just despair.

No point piling on about why you would have a baby with someone who doesn’t live with you full time, contributes nothing financially, smokes weed, goes off leaving you to do all the work, and puts you down.

Stop TELLING him you are going to split up with him .. it sounds like an empty threat, just do it.

Is it your house ? Pack his bags, leave them in the step, and lock the doors (so he can’t get in)

For the love of God woman, kick him out!!! He’s an absolute waste of space and you are doing your child no favours at all to keep him around as an example of how you tolerate total disrespect, and an example of how relationships should be. He’s a misogynistic, lazy, entitled, immature twat, he’s not going to take the child, he’s just using it as a threat to keep you in line. Please free yourself from him, you deserve so much better.

God, how have you tolerated this for 10 years & why did you have a baby with this poor excuse of a man? Sorry, not helpful I know, but I just don't understand. You've known for 10 years he is awful. Did you suddenly think a baby would morph him into Mr Wonderful?

I was told I was "being difficult" and how I was telling him to tell the workmen what to do, all I did was ask him a question

So, this little nugget alongside all the other crap you're putting up with says a lot. He doesn't like to be asked to contribute in any way and is touchy about being given 'instructions' by a woman, no doubt extrapolating that to the delivery men who he thinks won't want advice or requests from you either. All this because he is a selfish sexist bastard. Remove him from your life. It won't get any better.

Ugh what a prince. He sounds like a 42 year old teenager who’s rebelling against his mum. Telling all his mates that you’re a bitch and anyway, he never asked to be born… Kick his sorry arse out, leave him free to have sex to all those hundreds of women who are out there gagging for him. Seriously op, he’ll just make you more and more unhappy. He won’t take your son with him. He’s too lazy and self obsessed for that.

Tell him to go and find the woman of his dreams. Then live a good life without him.

When we first met the first three years of our relationship was really good and we were completely in love, he would open doors for me, pull out chairs, and was very romantic.

It all changed when he reconnected with his cousin and met these new group of friends.

I really don't recognise the man that I met anymore.
He is nasty, lazy, argumentative, challenging and I just want my own life back and peace.

He is extremely sexist and tells me on a daily basis how men are superior to women "because he saw podcast on it on YouTube".

We don't get on, I don't enjoy his company, I try not to say a lot to him as it's just turns into an argument.
He blames me for everything.

He is going back to his own flat today as I have told him anymore verbal abuse, shouting at me or disrespectful comments I'm going to call the police.

With his access, I have just moved 30 minutes away from him (to be closer to my family and friends) so he is saying it will cost him a lot of money in petrol and how he has to stay over and can't afford to go back and forth.

Our son is having a party next month and I have told him he will have to make his own plans for the birthday as I don't want any of his family of friends in my home which I think is fair enough and now he is complaining about that.

I would like a more formal child access arrangement so the boundaries are clear and we both know where we stand.
Does anyone know how I could do this?

Exactly this, OP 🙏

Presumably you would go to a solicitor and have them draw up something regarding formal access.

Personally I wouldn't though because the less someone like him spends around a child the better. Half an hour away isn't far enough imo (Half a world away would be better). But hopefully it'll be enough to make him too lazy to visit.

You've an uphill battle to raise a kind, caring, non mysoginist son if he still has this asshole around him. That should be your biggest priority. Making sure your kid grows up to be a functioning member or society unlike his troglodyte father.

I'd hit the books bigtime.

Fuck putting anything in writing regarding time spent.

But remember, he will want to spite you. So pretend you want him involved in his sons' life. The more you try to include him, the more he'll distance himself in order to hurt you. Use that to your advantage.

@victoriasponges once he is out of your place, do not let him in again!! not even to see the baby. he has not right to be in there. go for cms. tell him email contact only and you will check it once a day. if he persists in pestering you, contact police and file for a restraining order.

Take legal advice about child contact. You need a family law solicitor.

The friends is a non issue, relatively. The enormous issue is that you’re living with an abusive man. You deserve better and need to get away from him.
Do you have real life help to support you to split?

Less of the animal slurs 🙄
Animals are far superior to this piece of shit

He sounds vile. Get rid and raise your bar

Get rid of him. Id also be ensuring that the only visitation he gets is via a contact centre, with drugs testing included . Don’t allow a person like this to be any sort of influence in your child’s life.

See a solicitor. Say you want a CAO in place, main goal is to ensure residency, ability to go on holiday (so you don't need a letter from him for border control for DC) and the access arrangements.

I would also see if you can get evidence on his drug situation so you can ensure he doesn't get more access than is reasonable.

But please change locks, tell him it's over and get some legal advice on the CAO.

He sounds vile.