Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

You made a really good decision when you refused to give him a key to your flat. I know he's abusive and frightening but he also doesn't want to have your sson to live with him, that would be far too much work and he's too lazy to even look after himself. Women's Aid would be a good place to start for advice.

He's abusing you and your son. Pushing a baby's head back so hard they cry? Absolutely not! 😠 Leave him and make sure he has supervised access.

Again, why are you putting up with him?

He sounds absolutely awful. Thank goodness you never gave him a key to your house and also that other people have witnessed his behaviour.

I would start keeping a diary and write down every future example of controlling, threatening or violent behaviour. It will be useful if anything happens which results in him going to court.

I'd also be careful when you tell him that you are ending the relationship as this can be a trigger for controlling men. Try and have a friend or relative with you.

Sorry if this sounds alarmist but I'm currently reading Control by Jane Monkton Smith and much of what you have posted (eg walking on egg shells) is really resonating.

The book should also be required reading for those judgy posters criticising you for putting up with such a shitty man; they clearly have no understanding of abusive relationships.

I don’t think this man will improve and will become worse as he gets older and more miserable. You could carry on like this for another 20 years but do you want to?
It will be difficult to manage on your own with a new baby so I can understand why you are still with him. It’s good that you have your own flat. Find out what financial help you are entitled to as a single mother and try to get a plan in place so you can end things.

Where does his income derive from? There is no mention here of any kind of job or career, and yet he seems to have plenty of money to buy a drugs which are rather expensive and have all these holidays abroad.

Having said that you are in an abusive relationship and you must get out immediately.

Why did you have a baby with this man? It sounds like he has treated you terribly for years yet you have put up with it and got even more involved by having a child so you can never make a clean break.

I'm so confused why you would want a weed smoking, argumentive and abusive man around your child. Especially if all his friends are like this? Why would you want a more formal childcare arrangement, would you actually trust your child going to his flat etc. with his kates in there getting drunk and smoking it's not something I'd want my child around

Hope you’ve managed to call women’s aid and also log everything with 101. Make sure it’s all on record including him threatening to kidnap your child!
Hope you’re ok xx

He badmouths you to his friends
Doesn't introduce you to them or include you in holidays etc
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.
He goes out frequently, leaving you to look after the baby
Verbally abuses you
Has nasty outbursts
Berates you sexually, compares you to other women and claims other women want to have sex with him
Etc

Jesus OP - please wake up! Get rid!
Draw up whatever needs to be done legally relating to the child, then only deal with this awful man in relation to the child, nothing more. He is toxic, I hope you can see that. Please look at the Freedom Programme to know what a decent partner is like. Good luck OP!

You can believe what you like, science is fact.

I'm friends with someone who did the same but started at 13 and his memory was shot to shirt from it too by his late 20s.

It doesn't help mental health issues, it just makes them come back worse once the effect of the drug has worn off, to compel people to take it again. It's the same way that alcohol makes depression worse but makes people feel better under the effects which is why they drink it.

It's terrible for anyone to smoke cannabis, but even worse for young people. Smoking anything at all is bad for you, period.

It's not about maturity, it's about addiction. He is addicted. Addiction trumps literally everything else in the world.

@yeaitsmeagain I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I know lots of people who use cannabis to alleviate anxiety, depression, anorexia, insomnia, nausea, arthritis symptoms, PTSD symptoms, personality disorder symptoms.
It's not all bad you know!

It is, it causes all those to be exacerbated in the long run, as I already mentioned.

It's like saying if I knock you unconscious you won't be depressed any more, but when you're conscious again you will be, so I'll knock you unconscious again to stop your depression again. And I've alleviated your depression, so good job me. Never mind that over time you'll have some kind of brain damage or brain disease, because you've kept the depression at bay, right :/

@yeaitsmeagain I'll let you know when either me or anyone else I know who uses medicinal cannabis start suffering from brain damage/brain disease.
And if someone were to take antidepressants and then stop, then they'd be depressed again. If someone stops taking pain relief, they'll be in pain again.

And can barely string two words together

You're totally right, every time I stop taking ibuprofen I have a headache again so I have to take it every 4 hours my whole life. And don't get me started on my regenerating broken leg. You do realise antidepressants and many other medications are supposed to be taken short term, which is why people end up having to switch medications and why they stop working for them. You need to treat the root cause of the problem, masking with medication is a short term coping mechanism.

Addicts like you will always defend their addictions over anything else, I'm not wasting my time on it.

@yeaitsmeagain thank you. I'm glad you have not wasted any further time on the subject.

@BobbyBiscuits and @yeaitsmeagain Is it worth starting your own thread to discuss the harms or benefits of cannabis so that the OP's thread isn't completely derailed if she decides to come back and look for support or advice?

@BobbyBiscuits and @yeaitsmeagain Is it worth starting your own thread to discuss the harms or benefits of cannabis so that the OP's thread isn't completely derailed if she decides to come back and look for support or advice?

@cariadlet fully appreciate that. It wasn't my intention at all and I apologise.

Thanks @BobbyBiscuits

@Edingril I've apologised for accidentally derailing this thread to be about the pros and cons of cannabis. So you should do the same.

No, I've already said that I'm not interested in continuing the conversation and have ignored further tags from BobbyBiscuits. But thanks for tagging me again to keep the derailing going.

I’m going to go out on a possibly judgemental limb here and say he doesn’t work, or if he does it’s something casual like labouring. You’re better off without him.

Honestly I know this is all you’ve known but no mature 42 year old smokes weed, goes clubbing and expects sex on demand.

You sound quite vulnerable OP. Please look for help from a friend or maybe a women’s charity who can help you end things safely and move on to find a man who has grown up already.

Can't you get your toddler to sleep and then go out and your parents could babysit? Presumably if it's your 30th they aren't much older than 60-mid 70's and if the child is asleep there hopefully won't be too much to do?