Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

It's your partner who is causing the drama. He is running about badmouthing you, and his friends believe him. The problem is him.

“compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him"

I can tell you that there probably isn’t any other women that would love to have sex with a marijuana addicted 42 year old who spends all his time smoking with his friends and clubbing. Sounds like an absolute loser, get the hell out of there

You are in a emotionally abusive relationship, he has made negative comments about you to his friends and painted you to be someone you aren't.
He gaslights you and turns things around on you when you challenge him on his behavior and makes it your fault. He is incapable of taking any responsibility for his own behavior.
That is not love. That is not a healthy committed relationship. He belittles you, makes you feel less than, rather than the woman who is bringing up his child.
He is a drain on your life, you live in your own home, that he pays nothing for, but comes and goes as he pleases expects you to play wife and then goes off with his friends to play the single man with his friends.

I would encourage talking to a professional and working on your self esteem and self worth, because you are most definitely worth so much more than this terrible excuse for a partner.

Go through the courts, child maintenance, change the locks and only have contact regarding your child through a third party.

You deserve so much better this is not a relationship between two people who are supportive of one another this is a grown man wanting a someone at home to do everything for him and giving nothing of substance back. It's scraping the bottom of barrel and then some.

I hope you have people around you that can support you, because you need those to help you to remain strong. Because when he realizes you are taking control he will start to be an amazing partner. And you will doubt yourself and believe he will have changed. People like this never change, they are incapable of this.

Walk away and get help and look after you and your child. You deserve so much more than this excuse for a partner.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It's vital you report any abusive behaviour to the police. You need to start a paper trail. When he's out dump his stuff outside and change the locks. Let him take you to court for contact. Please call Women's Aid who will be able to help. Get a CMS claim in immediately. You sound so beaten down by him. Time to put yourself and your boy first. This twat sounds like he's been to the school of Andrew Tate.

This.

Why are you with him? He sounds awful and you appear to get nothing positive from this relationship. You have your own home. Get rid of him and do not allow him in your home again.

Oh it's certainly him OP. Even if his friends are making things worse, he chose them and chooses to listen to them and upset you by passing on things they're supposed to have said about you. I read your post thinking he was in his 20s and easily led. But 42?? If this is how he is at 42, then he's only going to go one way from here.

For gods sakes not another one, piy your child first and get rid

Don't put a man before your child and stop being desperate I can't believe women have to be keep on being told this

Be glad they don't like you, and use it as motivation to end this shitshow once and for all.

Prove them all right. Be the bitch that kicks him out. You and your baby deserve so much more than this man-child.

Normally I'd be like "you need to leave"

But the more posts I read, the more I think it's "you need to leave and he needs to be castrated and sent into a wilderness somewhere away from the human race"

This

@JoBoJoBo cannabis can exacerbate certain MH issues in some people. It can also alleviate plenty of MH issues in others. It doesn't 'cause' illness that wasn't already there.
If this guy is badly affected then he shouldn't use it. I suspect he is just an utter arse who cares little about being part of the grown up universe.

He sounds like a stroppy teenager rather then an equal and committed partner. You don’t need the approval of his immature druggie friends. If you’re unhappy make him leave.

This. You really need some advice to get this awful man out of your life and see what you need to do about visitation, etc. OP, you will feel, so so so much better when you are away from him. My first partner was vile…we didn’t have children so that made it easier to split, but my emotional state improved leaps and bounds when we were no longer together. Yours will too. Good luck.

And this

Excellent advice.

Violent to you and your child?! Please kick him out of your house, he isn’t paying or adding anything to your life, wtf, get rid! Please, please speak to the domestic violence team of your police station.

He’s not your partner he’s the lodger who knocked you up and treats you appallingly
I fail to see what you’re actually getting out this relationship other than grief
Hes a ghastly man
You’re the mother of his child and he treats you badly and is setting a poor template for dad and masculinity

No, don’t lock him out of it’s his home and tempting as it is don’t dispose of his belongings
Mn always chirrups the lock and throw him and his stuff out. It’s not the answer. It’s potentially illegal and it’s provocative
Who name is the house in? Is it joint or sole name. You ? Him, rental or a mortgage?

He’s abusive and his friends are aware you have a baby and that he’s been on all these weekends away, have never met you but are happy to bad mouth you as well? They’re all a bunch of utter losers and all as bad as one another and in their 40s no less. Disgraceful the lot of them. Cut him loose and be free to live your own life as you please without walking on eggshells and being abused in your own home. Be the role model to your child that they need because they won’t find it in their waster father and his friends. Show your child what good boundaries and healthy relationships are. Good luck OP.

It’s not his home, it’s hers. He has his own flat.

Oh god. He sounds bloody awful and very abusive. Please leave him

Every one I have met who smokes drugs are the same. Paranoid, and quick to rage. Get rid of the drama you have a son now, and you cannot change his dad. So let him free to live at his place, and party with those mates.

Oh yes, you need to kick this one to the kerb.

I have a feeling that once he takes in the reality of having his son 24/7, he will realise how it's going to cramp his freewheeling lifestyle. He is using your child to keep you in order.

Take legal advice and then boot him out of your life. The only thing he contributes to it is misery.