Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

I'm sorry but he sounds about 16. He needs to man up and sort it out. He's leaving you abandoned while acting like a teenager.

I smoke weed every day and there's no such thing as 'withdrawal'. It's not heroin fgs. I was in hospital for 5 weeks and managed without a smoke. Cannabis use or the lack of it is no excuse for bad behaviour.

You need to literally disengage with this person. He's not ever going to start doing you any favours and you deserve much, much better.

He's a liar and manipulator aside from whatever his friends are like. He's given the wrong impression of you and never corrected it. He gets all kinds of fun time away, you get none, but still he wants more and blames you for that. Dump.

I just read the rest of your posts op and wanted to say sorry that you have to deal with this man, he's just horrendous. You deserve much better.

He has also just said that he will runaway with our son.

Another issue is our variance in parenting.

For example I am very hands on, tell my son I love him multiple times a day and say he pushes his head back on the play mat abit to hard and starts to cry he will start an argument and tell me "he does not want a gay son" and that "I am mollycoddling him and you make it worse by making a fuss of him".

I really have to watch what I do and say when he is around as I just get verbal abuse.
Every day it's something he picks a fight about.
Yesterday was the garden gate.
Day before was him accusing me of moving his bag (was in his car the whole time).

I don't think he is particularly happy with me either even though I never verbally abuse him or start arguments,

He basically wants a yes woman who provides cooking, sex on demand, does his cleaning and he basically just gives me his genitals and this is in his own words.

He hates that I stand up for myself, when I moved in here he was expecting a key and was stunned when I told him it would not be happening.

I am not overly keen on the idea of him even visiting our son in my home, I would much rather prefer visits elsewhere but don't feel comfortable taking our son to his flat.

I did manage to get a recording of him threatening to stab my brother when I told him my brother was coming down to see if I was OK.
He makes verbal threats against me and my family all the time.

My sister just told me to report it to the police as she has witnessed how awful he is to me.

When I gave birth to our son he would come in verbally abusing me and it got so bad that one of the other mothers reported this to the on duty midwife as she was so concerned.

The midwives described him as "controlling,overbearing and condescending".
This was all on my hospital notes which I got a few months ago when I had to retrieve my hospital notes in order to claim cash back for a hospital stay with Simply Plan.

So I think that if I were to get a restraining order on him all this could be used as evidence.

I know the word gets thrown around these days, but he really does sound like the classic do as I say not as I do Narcissist. Wanting to live a double life, bad mouthing you to his friends and probably family, his time and activities being precious but you’re expected to stay indoors like a good mum/housewife.

You're just waiting for the discard now. Get rid and build a happy home for you and your baby he already has his own place.

What led you to believe it would be a good idea to have a child with this man?

@victoriasponges what country do you live in before I start suggesting sources of help?

Are there any cultural or religious aspects we need to consider? Just asking as him expecting to take your son, references to his child becoming gay etc make me wonder if there is a cultural difference. I see many men being assholes, but some of your comments make me wonder about African or Asian backgrounds.

Hws no good for you or your child. And if he lives half an hour away he’s lucky they public transport exists. He doesn’t need to enter or stay at your house.

If you are in the uk I’d definitely be keeping a log of his behaviour and threats.

massive squishes. You deserve better than this.

Dump him,change the locks and put a claim to CMS;if he has money for drugs he has money for maintenance;you've been together a long time and have a child together yet he won't commit to you as he maintains a separate residence and excludes you from his life in general:most normal couples will know and socialise with each others friends especially when said friends and their partners are having a joint holiday/meet up.

He probably keeps you at arms length from these people as he's probably either A.Fed then a load of BS about you or B.He has another woman and they know about her.

It's not you, and it isn't his friends who dislike you, how can they? they don't know you, they have hardly met you. All they know, is what he has told them, which is a load of lies by the sound of it. If you are so bad, why does he stay with you?

Please report all threats to the cops and have your sister do the same to build a file. Report the kidnapping threat, maybe it will help him to get omly supervised visitation only.

Don't do anything about access. Don't allow him into your home again.

If he demands to see his son tell him, 'Absolutely. I'm willing to facilitate it. You will need to go and see a solicitor and approach it through the courts so that we have something formal in place. I'll wait to hear from your solicitor'.

He won't fucking bother, I can guarantee. In the meantime get a second email address and tell him that all contact will be through that - BLOCK him on every other phone/email etc. Tell him that this email is only for any questions to do with your child and that you will check it once a week. This stops him occupying any of your headspace, shows you are reasonable and will give you evidence of any abuse. To any emails ranting about contact with his son send a standard reply that says, 'I am willing to arrange contact via legal channels. Due to your threats of kidnapping our child you will need to obtain a solicitor and court access'. That is the only thing you should ever respond.

Your life will improve massively.

Jeez woman, lock him out

He sounds like an Andrew Tate fan. Get rid of him.

What happened in your upbringing to make you so helpless? Where is your self-esteem? Counselling would be a good start.

But also take legal advice on getting him out of your life and how to handle access to your child.

Cocklodger scumbag. Get rid for god's sake!!! It ain't going to get any better.

Why in god's name did you think this grime loving stoner would be anything remotely like good father material. He sounds like a fucked up teenager. In fact you might be better off with a fucked up teenager. There's nothing to be confused about, it's a no brainer. Just remind him that he'll be kissing a fond farewell to his extremely wholesome lifestyle with his wonderful friends if he has full custody of your baby.

Your Brother, Your Sister, Your Midwives, Other new mums in the hospital have all reported/recorded their extreme concern about this horrible man. Listen to them.

I would be very very cautious about allowing him unsupervised access to such a young child, especially with actions like
" he pushes his head back on the play mat a bit to hard and starts to cry he will start an argument and tell me "he does not want a gay son" and that "I am mollycoddling him and you make it worse by making a fuss of him".

Add to that his verbal abuse and gaslighting of you and the arguments over every single request, he sounds unhinged and not a person who should be in charge a vulnerable young baby.

The house is in your name.
He has a flat to go back to
You already pay all the bills,
he contributes nothing but misery to your life.

His threat to take your baby from you if you end it is really cruel and intended to frighten you into obeying him.

Put all the arrangements pps have suggested to protect yourself and your baby from his spite or revenge.
Get support from lawyer, family and friends and Get Rid.

Leave him to smoke weed and complain to his friends like a teenager. Hugely unattractive.

Why are you with him OP? Like really ask yourself what does he add to tour life apart from misery?

Yes you have a child together but tour not tied. Leave.leave now

I suppose despite not being married, his name is on your child's birth certificate.

Please please leave him for the sake of you and your child. Do you want them seeing this as how someone acts as an adult and treats their mother??

Im sure being alone or with someone else would be better than a 42 year old drug user who abuses you like this. Thank god you have your own house!

thats horrendous. Please listen to them it sounds like you have supportive family. Call your health visitor too

Get rid. He's no good and you know that. But be careful - as others have said, change the locks and get in contact with a domestic abuse charity such as Refuge. Midwives don't randomly comment on people's characteristics, they did that in your notes because they felt it was concerning & you could be in danger - and they were right. Look after yourself OP - you and your little one deserve to be safe.

@victoriasponges

OP. I'm so pleased you have your own home. Enough said, will leave it there.

Why on earth did you decide to have a baby with him, I despair sometimes.............