Partner's friends all hate me and to end relationship?

[victoriasponges]

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years and I am really thinking that it is time we went our separate ways.

We did split up in 2017 over a lot of issues, petty issues like he wanted to end it because I went on holiday without telling him after I had discovered that he had been lying about going out clubbing (he would say he was asleep).

Anyway in the time apart he made some new friends that he met through his cousin (male).
These are all guy mates and all have partners, and at times they have all chilled together with the partners and gone on holiday together etc.
They all have similar interests like smoking marijuana, grime music, festivals etc.

I have only ever met one of these friends (until last week) and his partner and that was 6 years ago.
During the split my partner badmouthed me so much to them that they have formed such a negative opinion on me that I am excluded from these events and not welcome on their home etc.

I met another one of his friends last week after many years of hearing about him and he told me that I "had taken his friend away from him."
I was stunned.
We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.

Partner now wants him and his partner to come to our home and have dinner etc.
I was not too keen on the idea as I have been excluded for years and not been made to feel welcome even though I have known my partner longer then them.

I really feel as if partner is still badmouthing me and we have had nothing but arguments about me apparently "telling him what to do" or "your stopping me from seeing my friends".

I have never said so such thing to him, if anything it's him who tells me what to do and bosses me around.
I often feel like a prisoner in my own home.
This is my house (he has his own flat) and quite often I am on egg shells with him.

He blames these nasty outbursts on withdrawing from smoking marijuana (he has smoked since he was 15 and is now 42).
I am a non smoker, I do not/have never taken drugs so obviously I don't want it in my home or around my child.
I find it difficult to understand this as I have never been in his situation, but I do sympathise with him which makes him worse towards me.

I am really miserable, he makes me feel so bad about myself.
And understandably I do not want to be sexual with him due to his verbal abuse and then I am compared to other woman who "would love to have sex with him".

I really don't know if it's these friends causing the problems by badmouthing me or if it's him.

He does mention things these friends have said about me such as telling him "not to give up your flat" because I am the kind of woman to leave him homeless.

I have never asked him to do that but when he has been asking for a key to my house I remind him that I don't have a key to his flat so he shouldn't have one to mine.

I am now trying to take a break from all this as it's really messing up my head.
I feel like if all these people hate me like it must be me.
AIBU?

How do you think comments like that help? For all we know the pregnancy was unplanned and OP couldn’t face an abortion or found out too late or just opted to have a child she wanted. Your judgement isn’t helpful

On the basis of this:

'We recently had a baby and I have been at home all this time whilst partner has been abroad with his cousin, attended birthday dinners of his friends, had weekends away whilst I have looking after our child.'

Tell him like fuck is he taking the baby. Has he ever looked after the baby on his own? He is just threatening you because he doesn't want to leave your house. He's absolutely horrible and his mates are no better.

Do not have these friends over to dinner in your house. If your partner wants them to come round, he can do it at his flat.

Sorry I just seen this now.
I live in the UK, and he is mixed race white and Jamaican, I am white.

The homophonic comments he makes are appalling, they really get to me as I have a gay cousin which is why I think he says it.

I'm going to call Womens Aid tomorrow for some advice as he is adamant that he must see our son everyday.

He won’t be able to ‘take his son with him’

and even if he did, he’d be straight back when he realised looking after a kid full time is exhausting and expensive

This is one of the worst things I have ever read. This horrible horrible man. Please get rid. Safely and carefully put yourself and your son first.

Jesus. In case you are in any doubt, OP, let me echo what PP have said. This man is an abusive, aggressive, drug-addicted waste of space. His friends are not much better and he will only get worse. Much, much worse. Luckily, you have proof of his behaviour, including threats of violence, so yes, get in touch with woman's aid and get a strategy in place to keep you and your son safe. Thank God you didn't give him a key.

This.

They all sound lowlife. Don't be chasing their approval. Raise your standards and focus on your child's wellbeing.

He says he must see your son every day? Well that's a joke isn't it? How did he see his son every day whenn he was abroad with his cousin and on weekends away while you looked after the baby?

It's just a threat to make you scared to leave the relationship and to punish you for not accepting his horrible abusive behaviour.

"XYZ's Mrs runs him a bath when he gets home from work and has dinner waiting on the table and they have 6 kids" he tells me nearly every other day, again to compare me to other women.

That maybe true but it's not the relationship he has cultivated with his 'Mrs' is it?

For example I am very hands on, tell my son I love him multiple times a day and say he pushes his head back on the play mat abit to hard and starts to cry he will start an argument and tell me "he does not want a gay son" and that "I am mollycoddling him and you make it worse by making a fuss of him".

He's a man of very limited intelligence, isn't he?

I'd just get rid of him and focus on your child. There is no point in complaining about him and doing nothing. He doesn't even have a key to your house let alone live there.

Text him that he's dumped and don't open the door to him. Phone the police if he causes a scene.

Honestly, it'll.he really easy to get this one put of your life. Oh akd he won't he taming your son with him because, like every other an who threatens this, he just won't be arsed. You'll get no fight from him.

Hel get to keep his lifestyle and then badmouth you some more about how you won't let him have his son. That'll be more meaningful to him than actually parenting.

Yes, that's annoying but do you really care what these friends think of you? Really?

Tell him he needs to find one of these (non existent) wonderful women who run their husband a bath, have dinner on the table and do all this with six kids. I had five, and when they were little barely had time to blow my nose! I regret to say that this man is an utter waste of space, and it’s only going to get worse. If he was “controlling, overbearing, and condescending” when you were in hospital having just had a baby, I can on,y imagine what he must be like when there’s nobody else around. You need help - try women’s aid, go to the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, see a solicitor and find out exactly what your rights are. And maybe get in touch with the police and tell them this scumbag has threatened to take your DS away if you have the temerity to leave him. I have to say that LTB is far from my default position when I read posts on here - but you really do need to. Is this honestly the role model you want for your DS? Because I’m afraid his father won’t change.

He's not a partner is he!

He's a babydaddy. But your own behaviour in this "relationship" hasn't sounded great either. Sometimes things appear shit because they are shit and no amount of work will make it better.

I assume you've got your flat and are claiming benefits as a single parent? Keep it that way.

Next time, find someone better to have a child with rather than bringing another child into a shitshow.

Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

Think what you would say to your child if she was grown up and came to you with this story.

Put in a claim for child support.

Have nothing more to do with him.

Dump this looser and get your self respect back.

Please do call women’s aid. You will be better off without this man child.

Dump
Dump
Dump

I don't think the issue is his friends, it is he himself. He is not making you happy and it's not healthy fir your son to grow up witnessing how he is treating you. End things now and set some clear boundaries

Run a.s.a.p but make child payment arrangements first

Just this ⬆️⬆️⬆️

Why are you with him ? Surely you are worth more than being run down by his mates and their partners. He wont change and you have a baby to think about

I could have written this. Hes gross and so are his scummy friends. End it.

God what an abusive arsehole.All you did was ask him to open the gate. The baby is watching him being horrible to you.Please get rid of him x

Skunk cannabis has been shown to cause paranoia and depression etc.The op partner could also be taking other illicit drugs or he could just be a narcissist.

Op partner is a cock lodger.

Get a solicitor and tell them about his abusive behaviour and drug taking.Involve the police maybe ?