For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Oh come on. A siblings wedding is just a wedding. It’s a I do followed by a party.

Also spin it. The brother can’t really care about his siblings attendance since they decided to hold it in a difficult to access location. Must not like his siblings much huh.

Some of these responses are batshit. Wedding does not trump time at home with a newborn, a confused toddler and a mum thats just had her body fucked up. Having a baby is the biggest life event with the whole new life and all.

These days a wedding is just a big party anyway - flippant but true - as couples already act married long before the wedding, living together etc.

I adore my siblings but wouldn't even consider going if I was OPs DH. Of course any other time in life it would be a priority but not a few weeks after a new baby.

The “I do” bit is not just words you know. And at least it IS actual words and profound emotion, unlike the meaningless gurgles of an infant.

Did you miss that half of the couple was brought up in the wedding location? The couple were never going to be able to make it equally easy for both of their families. We know nothing at all about the balancing act they had to perform.

I mean they are just words. Signing the contract is the legal legal part. Just sitting down singing papers confirming it and even then it can be simply annulled if you don’t have sex 😮 so so important are the words that no sex makes them not count.

Yes indeed so one sides family was always going to be less important in this case. The groom decided his were less important than the brides. That’s their choice.

There is nothing in any of OP’s posts that says that the DH’s sibling is male, or that the DP who grew up outside the UK is a woman.

My mistake. I must of read someone else call
it her dhs brother and it just stuck.

Either way the bride or groom made a choice on which side where the most important to attend and it was not the dh’s sibling.

Still assuming it’s a bride and groom?

oh Sorry we now need to get into if it’s bride and bride or groom and groom or a them and they. 🙄

I think that for many many people the memory of a week with a newborn baby is more important than the memory of a wedding, and I'm not silly. For many people it's a deeply profound and almost sacred time of welcoming a whole new person into the world, of helping them adjust to life, of holding them and caring for them and helping their sibling (in this case) come to terms with this huge change. It far far trumps spending a week travelling to and from a party to formalise a sibling's relationship.

42% of all UK marriages end in divorce anyway, 51% of children are born outside marriage so what exactly is being celebrated at a wedding that makes it so massively important? It's a glorified party to formalise two people's (intended) commitment to one another and their legal entanglement. Weddings can be lovely, and very meaningful and important for the people getting married but they're not even vaguely as important as bonding with someone you have brought into the world and will be responsible for for the rest of your life!

You must really dislike your kids

Utter bullshit that having a week away from a newborn child stops you bonding with them.

No, I like them and even went to all their weddings despite some being a real hassle in that they were extremely expensive and difficult to get to. In fact, I like them so much that if one of them was having a baby far away at a time I was getting married I'd encourage them to spend time with the baby rather than come to my wedding.

I have one son born after 5 years of fertility treatment. My husband and I love him beyond words. He is 8 years old so the newborn days are still a fairly recent memory. I have zero specific memories of any given week after he was born, and (like most fathers) my husband was back at work when he was 3 weeks old so any memories he has of that time are only evenings and weekends!

???? Didn't say that. Did say that for many people it's a really important bonding time.

“Even” went to all their weddings, followed by sniping about hassle and expense. Kind of says it all really.

And yet the OP has said her DH doesn't want to miss this time. Once more, it's her baby, his sibling, he's prioritising her and the baby so your experience isn't relevant in this case.
Memories aren't always the point - immersion in a new life is.

Haha. No sniping - just said 'despite' as a couple of my other siblings couldn't go to one or other due to having very young kids, not enough money to dedicate to it and complicated pregnancies. And everyone was fine with them not going because we actually like each other and are considerate enough to understand that not everyone will always be able to attend a wedding if it's very far away from where they live.

I know! Not only thinks OP should go, but that DH should then use his AL just after the birth to stay on for a week without the OP 😂

Sorry but you can’t make blanket statements like Weddings can be lovely, and very meaningful and important for the people getting married but they're not even vaguely as important as bonding with someone you have brought into the world and will be responsible for for the rest of your life!

then dismiss other people’s opinions on the basis that only the opinion of OP and her DH is relevant to any discussion on this thread.

It cuts both ways.

And perhaps go back and re-read my post where I started by saying that clearly OP’s DH could not and should not go. The entire point I was making was an objection to the GENERAL opinion that a sibling’s wedding was a non-event and that spending time with a baby was much more important. This general opinion having been expressed by many so they could endorse the specific decision made by OP and her DH. Which probably has nothing to do with memories and relative importance and everything to do with logistics and practicalities.

You ok? You seem a little obsessed with me.
I've no desire to re-read the posts of someone whose level of reasoning is so disingenuous and dishonest, such as saying 'you must really dislike your siblings', who tells me I 'can't' say something, who claims there is a general opinion that a sibling's wedding is a non-event when nobody said that, and who says I was 'sniping' about my sibling's wedding when I wasn't. Life's too short to engage with someone who can't even argue with any finesse or sincerity.

Good grief this thread should win a prize for the biggest pile of unsolicited useless advice ever dished out.

The OP and her DH are agreed that they are not going to the wedding. The question was how to handle it in terms of disclosure to the happy couple.

My twopenneth on that is don’t feel you have to tell them if you’re not ready, I imagine you’ll be ready fairly soon (wishing you all the best there!), and in the meantime just say it’s too difficult to manage the journey etc, and maybe avoid them for a few weeks. If they’ve got any sense they should work out there’s a pregnancy anyway.

I wouldn’t go even without the pregnancy, potential new born and toddler! And I got married in dhs home country 😂

I really didn’t ‘expect’ anyone to come unless they were easily able to, and there was no pressure or drama.

It is just a wedding!!! It really doesn’t matter that much.

It is ‘just a wedding’. Hugely important to the people getting married, not particularly to anyone else.

Husband should go...

No he shouldn't. He'll have a post op wife, newborn plus toddler. I think gallivanting to a far flung destination with once a week flights is the last thing he should be doing.