For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

He doesn’t want too

Don’t tell them about the pregnancy until you’re ready. Later on when you break the news they’ll understand why you can’t go to the wedding.

Just something from upthread, not relevant to the OP personally: If the wedding is overseas it won't adhere to all the English rules on timings and such. In some countries nighttime weddings are popular, even normal. In England they were illegal until quite recently. Worth remembering in some of these overseas wedding threads that English wedding law is very restrictive. Elsewhere, you can't assume that a wedding won't be at night, or outdoors, or in someone's back garden officiated by the groom's best mate who got ordained online. (Or the reverse like France where only the civil ceremony is legal.)

Dont go to the wedding. I’m in your shoes, exactly.. just a little further ahead than you. We’ve got a toddler, (who’s a nightmare at the moment with nappy changes), and am pregnant with complication after complication since 6 weeks, (had more emergency scans and extra emergency appointments then I care to recall!). We’ve bailed out of a house purchase because of the complications 1 week away from completion, in addition to turning down the wedding invite. I’m sure we were hated for a while, but once I was over the first trimester, we decided to tell the bride so that she would understand that we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. She understood and has been very supportive since - Any decent person would be the same. You don’t have to tell people about your pregnancy if you don’t want to, eventually you will, (all going well, I pray).. they will understand eventually.

Oh, and congratulations!! Another 2025 baby!! Whoop whoop!! 🙌

not going to your own siblings wedding is a massive big deal in most normal families.

Exactly. So if you can't go for a very good reason, it's sensible and kind to give that reason, not fudge it with a reason that gives the impression that you're not prepared to make an effort.

Just as the bride and groom aren't the only people that matter, the prospective parents are also not the only people that matter. There's a middle ground that allows the prospective parents not to go, and lets the bride and groom know that that their absence isn't for want of effort, enthusiasm or family feeling.

It's not realistic for you to go, and definitely not good to be left on your own when you may need help. You shouldn't have to tell people you're expecting if you don't want to - couldn't you just say you've been advised not to fly on medical grounds? It's not up to others to pry further. Expect they'll realise why eventually.

Can they not have a family party / wedding party in England for one family then the overseas wedding for the other side?

I'm sorry I know you'll be going through alot but I think this is an occasion you all if not he and the toddler needs to definitely attend! This is hopefully a once in a life time special moment... You/they can either go a week before or just make it as short as possible(your better option by the sounds of it) and travel out the night before, you'll have had a newborn hopefully & you won't be expected to run around just don't stress yourself out where something comfortable glam up with lipstick jewellery show your face for the pics then make your way back, asap for your own comfort but I would suggest that maybe if your husband can with work etc spends a few extra days or week catching up with family. I would be absolutely gutted if I found out my son couldn't attend his siblings wedding.. Unless you end up going over and not have given birth yet then that's fully understandable wouldn't need any further explanations. If you've had the baby then atleast let him be there for his family and his brother!!! Simple as.

if it wasn't for the pregnancy, I'd suggest that he should still go, as it's his brother, and decline on behalf of you or the todder due to travel difficulties, or as others have said, try and go a little earlier.
but with the pregnancy, he should be there at home with you, either in case you go into labour, or to help you manage after giving birth, and looking after you, baby, and toddler.

if they don't know yet, they might be a bit put out that you aren't willing to travel, but I'm sure once you announce it, they'll understand your reasons

You don’t need to justify yourself OP. As far as I’m concerned, having a toddler and a newborn is going to be hard enough as it is without needing to complicate things further with the demands what it will take to attend this wedding. Yeah, sure, women have dealt with more difficult things with young kids, so what? Do what is the best thing for your family unit.. it’s just a wedding at the end of the day.

What UTTER rubbish

No - having children is not a disability but having abdominal surgery is a temporary incapacity. It doesn't have to be competitive misery.

Ignore the ridiculous poster who said that. Your husband is a keeper.

Surely you can't be serious?? Aside from the fact it would be totally impractical to travel abroad with a baby so young and so soon after giving birth, it would also be logistically impossible too given the fact the baby may not be registered yet and most certainly will not have a passport given the timing of the wedding and the due date.

In any case, I don't see why OP's husband should prioritise his brother and wife to be, over his own wife and children.

Yes it may be a shame that they can't attend the wedding, but unfortunately it's just of those things - can't really be helped. It's really not the end of the world.

you really think the OP should go to the wedding despite the fact she'll have had a C-Section a couple of weeks beforehand????? (we can all see your edit)

I think l these superwomen posters haven't bothered to read the OP's updates.

Am sorry, are you really suggesting a mother two weeks post c-section should pop herself on a flight??

No sorry, her husband needs to be with her, its only two weeks after her due date so he would presumably have to use his paternity leave. And that leave is to take some part in the arrival of his child, to bond and support his family.

Also from the toddlers perspective, its hard enough coping with no longer being the centre of Mum and Dads universe and potentially feeling jealous but if Dad then drags him off and leaves Mum with the baby, the toddler will potentially feel rejected but certainly confused!

I can understand if his brother and fiancé are disappointed but given the situation, any reasonable person would understand.

Congratulations to the OP and her family - wishing you health and happiness!

I think it’s fucking hilarious that people keep calling this a ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’. Like bonding with your actual child in the first weeks of its life isn’t. You will never get that time back. I’d be absolutely disgusted with my husband if he didn’t put me and our children first on this occasion. Thankfully he never has and never would put a wedding or other social occasion before us when we’re going through life changing family situations.

It really isn't fair within any family (or relationship) that any party thinks they have a right to dictate what another adult or couple does or doesn't do. You stop needing to ask permission to do anything when you reach 18. It's hard enough getting 1 household torganised never mind the mob turning up if you go against the grain. Honestly, if you & hubby agree then that's all that matters - decision made. Your priority is your family that live in your home not your parents or siblings or somebody's in laws. There's no way I'd risk losing a baby for the sake of attending someone's wedding on the other side of the world. It's yours & your hubby's decision, end of xx

What?
No-one is dictating anything. The couple accepted the (not the real) explanation. They've just gone a bit quiet. The groom's mum is understandably upset and confused, because the excuse is a bit weak. But no-one is 'dictating,'.

And what's all this about risking losing the baby if she goes? She'll have had the baby by the wedding date (and she, rightly, isn't going anyway)

I keep getting drawn back to this thread! 🙄
People in the UK have overseas weddings for different reasons.
In this case, OP's DH has a sibling who is getting married in his/her partner's country of birth, where he/she still has family. Perfectly understandable, fair enough.
Overseas weddings naturally will involve travel expenses and the need to take leave.
UK weddings can too of course, but I do think that generally the former outweigh the latter.
This thread has brought to mind the overseas weddings that some friends/family members have been involved in over the years.
In some cases, there has been ill-feeling from the couple getting married towards people they invited who couldn't/didn't want to attend for perfectly valid reasons, but mainly because of cost/time off work/children not invited. Most of these couples had no personal/familial connection to the country, but wanted a "destination" wedding, and that's fine, their wedding, their choice.
(Of course all weddings can be problematic and have their dramas and etiquette issues!)
I just think the bottom line is that, as many PPs have said, couples are entitled to have their weddings wherever they wish, but they're not entitled to expect people to be able to attend.
Many PPs here have been suggesting lots of different solutions to OP's issue.
I just think that being asked to attend an overseas wedding is a very big ask, and that's without having a toddler and pregnancy thrown into the mix!
So my comments are not aimed at OP's dilemma, but the whole issue of overseas weddings!

I don’t think you should go
I don’t think you should tell your pregnancy news
I also don’t think you should take a toddler, and your husband certainly shouldn’t leave you alone

I can read ta, I just hate people feeling intimidated by their own family members and their views - the poor OP is feeling pressured to give a reason for them not going to the wedding and doesn't want the fuss and attention of revealing why. Maybe just say they can't afford it and then they'll be asking for bank statements as proof.

If you can read, why were you talking about her potentially losing a child?

Honestly, I don't see the big deal in telling the bride and groom (in confidence) the real reason. Causing hurt and disappointment when it's unnecessary, just seems inconsiderate.

I really don't understand the modern wedding extravaganza stuff. It's become an industrial money making scam, creaming cash from people who plan for years something that could be a marvellous day at 20% of the cost.
If someone wants to get married away from where some friends or family live that is great - but people shouldn't be expected to give up leave or other holidays to attend.
Why expect guests to pay a fortune to go somewhere at a time or place they wouldn't chose and then not be able to afford a holidayof their choosing?
What if you have 3 siblings all getting married one year after another? No holiday for 4 years?
If one of you are from one place and the other from a different country then people should be content with heart felt video messages from the other side of the family.
We got married on another continent. We told people when we'd done the deed.
It was fabulous.
Everyone was really pleased for us.
Nobody had to fly across an ocean.
Life isn't a film set.