For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

I do hate the “it’s an invitation not a summons” MN statement for weddings when it’s talking about close family members like a sibling, of course you don’t have to go, but then you do have to accept not going to your own siblings wedding is a massive big deal in most normal families. Weddings aren’t just about the couple having their special day, it’s a family event and it is expected close family will attend if they can.

If they can is the important part- so while normally of course keep the pregnancy quiet, in this case tell them because it explains why he can’t go. (Or probably can’t. I’d keep it open ended in case he could go alone but only if there’s other family from the OPs side who can help her out, not her being on her own.)

I think it’s unreasonable to expect people with children to travel abroad for a wedding, regardless of how close the relation is. You don’t have to tell them about the pregnancy or explain in great detail why it would be a nightmare with a toddler. Just tell them it’s not suitable for you as a family

Of course none of you need to go. Weddings are overrated.

It's not fair to leave OP shortly after giving birth and possibly a C section and they have a toddler too. Her DH is needed at home. When you get married overseas you know some family and friends won't be able to make it. My babies were all almost 2 weeks overdue . OP might only just have given birth.

I agree with lots of other posts about why the DH shouldn’t go, but this one in particular.

What sibling wouldn’t tell their brother that of course they don’t expect him to attend and that he should be at home looking after his post partum wife and 2 small children. Why anyone would think that the wedding of a sibling is in any way more important than looking after one’s own wife and children at a notoriously difficult time of life is beyond bizarre.

Why the hell are people suggesting DH goes on his own…?! Your due date is a couple of weeks before. You could be late, you could be in labour, your could end up with a C-section and need his help in the days post birth..? Ffs. You’re not being unreasonable AT ALL to not want to go and to not want DH to go and leave you, at best with a new born and a toddler to deal with.

Congratulaions on your pregnancy, hope all goes very smoothly for you with it. I don't think I would go to the wedding. As others have said you might have only just delivered, there might be complications, regardless you will have or be about to have a tiny newborn + a toddler.

I had very severe complications with my first pregnancy and did still choose to tell close families and friends early about my second, so I had their support and understanding. Very personal, but I probably would tell them, especially as hopefully they will be more understanding about you not going to the wedding.

TBH if you get married abroad (even for very understandable reasons) you have to appreciate some people you would want to attend may not be able to (also for very understandable reasons).

Can they maybe have a video link for you on the day for say the ceremony and the speeches? Then possibly offer to have a really nice celebratory meal with them when they are home (or whatever you would want to do to mark the occasion for them).

Completely understable that they will be disappointed you cannot attend. However, if they are upset with you about it, it really is not you fault. You are being very reasonable even without your pregnancy, but your pregnancy just makes is almost impossible for you to attend. Potentially they are not actually cross though, just busy.

Just tell the family that you can’t go, and explain why. I’m quite surprised that people are suggesting that your husband go, either on his own or with your toddler, leaving you at home with a newborn. It hardly sounds as if it would be easy for him to get home in an emergency.

I think DH and toddler should go. That’s how we would do it in our family.

DH should still go but understandable why you can’t make it.

I absolutely would NOT tell any of them about the pregnancy yet. If they take your apologetic declining of the invitation badly, then all the more reason to not share such personal private information with them.

I would not have my hand forced to announce a pregnancy before I was ready, and certainly not in the first trimester.

If the pregnancy goes well and when you would naturally be deciding to announce, then I'd say "this is why we can't make it, I'm sure you understand better now!"

Honestly, if they get the hump now about not going, then they don't deserve to share your happy news.

Yes, I'd tell them early to prevent any pressure. I definitely wouldn't want DH going, with or without toddler, because you're so close to giving birth.

With modern technology I would have thought you can all join in the day a bit with a video call and send live congratulations.

Thinking more it’s quite funny. The ones saying dh should go. It’s important it’s his siblings wedding.

So the dh should leave his newly post c section WIFE and newborn and maybe toddler. To watch his brother get a WIFE.

Abandon one at one of her most vulnerable times to watch a sibling get one. Makes perfect sense.

Absolutely insane isn’t it?

If my DH went to a family wedding abroad instead of staying at home to look after his toddler, his newborn, and his post-C-section wife, I'd tell him not to come back!

I would tell them-

do not send your husband and toddler as some suggested - especially if you had complications before. Not ideal to have your birth partner in a different country 2 weeks before you are due.

You’d think if getting and have a wife/husband was so so important that all Must attended.

Then looking after said wife or husband when at their most vulnerable would trump a wedding since if watching is so important having is even more important.

Having a keeping because I don’t think many would blame op if she said you go. Make sure the suitcase is full because you are not coming back.

I’m not sure I agree with the suggestions that your DH should go without you (whether that be with or without the toddler). Obviously if you are comfortable with this then it’s a potential solution, but I would totally understand if not. Those early days with a newborn baby are difficult enough, so I think it’s pretty reasonable to want your DH to be with you and not in a different country. Equally I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to leave his newborn baby to go to a different country. Especially as they could be only days or weeks old at that time.

I personally think if you/your DH has a close enough relationship with his sibling and feel as though you can trust them, it’s definitely worth disclosing the pregnancy in confidence. Just explain that you’re telling them so that they understand why you aren’t attending the wedding, and that it’s early days and you have concerns so you don’t want anyone else to know as yet.

Failing that, you may just have to wait it out until you’re at a point where you feel comfortable to tell people about the pregnancy, and make sure you tell DH sibling first and explain that this is the real reason you can’t attend the wedding and explain your reasons for not being able to tell them at the time. I’m sure they will understand once you explain. It just means they/the family may think you’re being unreasonable for the next few months until you tell them.

Congratulations and all the best with the pregnancy!

When we received the invitation with the date and location I was fully prepared to support and encourage DH's decision, whatever that may be. And his decision is that he wants to use his limited annual leave at home with his newborn, probably unsettled toddler, and me not at my best. No - having children is not a disability but having abdominal surgery is a temporary incapacity. It doesn't have to be competitive misery.

He is clearly a good husband and father.

Well done to your dh. A sibling’s wedding is not more important than looking after your postpartum wife, brand new baby and toddler.

I completely agree with you OP. don't be pressured by anyone's thoughts on what maternity should be/is. Post partum c section with a toddler around will be complicated like you've explained so well and you are fully aware of this like a brilliant and preparing mother. I will be going through the same thing in a few months minus the wedding. Congratulations and all the best! Look after yourself !!

And your husband is an amazing father for putting his family first!

If you can arrange for help with the new baby then perhaps your husband can go. He could maybe go a day earlier and take the toddler too.

as he should. Shouldn't even be a question.