For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Agree tell them about the pregnancy, though you could perhaps stall for a few more weeks?

I don’t think PP suggestion for DH to attend can work if so close to due date.

Probably because the added pressure of being forced into telling anyone what they don't want to share yet and the rebound from it could threaten her unborn baby's life - she needs to be left alone - have you ever been in her situation - I have. If they say they can't go and don't give a reason surely that's enough. I'm sure they're all aware of the pregnancy complications last time so it doesn't take a detective to work it out does it. Sounds more like a 'how dare you say no without giving full disclosure' situation to me. It's not going to stop the wedding is it - the wedding obviously isn't the OP's priority is it.

I'm not questioning your rationale am I so butt out, it's not even your post.

I honestly don’t get MN sometimes. Here we have a husband trying to do right by his wife and kids and a wife/ mom who doesn’t need or want to be struggling and martyring for a wedding, albeit a sibling one. Then most piling on her how she should encourage her husband to go overseas, while no one in that family is really keen on that. And then we wonder why many husbands/ fathers pull less and less of their weight and their lives don’t really change much after having kids.
he doesn’t have to miss the wedding- he can FaceTime through a guest’s phone or the b&g can set up streaming of the ceremony online (pretty sure he won’t be the only one not flying overseas for the wedding) - job done. When b&g are back you can have a celebratory lunch/ dinner / whatever suits with them. Everybody happy.

My husband commuted abroad all week every week for thirty years to work. I still think it would be an incredibly bad idea for this DH to leave his wife in these circumstances.

This

While I still don't think the OP and her family should attend I may have more sympathy with the husband attending if we were talking a couple of hours away with daily direct flights. In this case even without the complication of the pregnancy I think with a toddler it's a nogo.

Some this thread had gone in many directions, I'm answer the actual questions on the OP @apothecarist

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean?
I think so. It would be a shame for there to be a misunderstanding between siblings over something that could be clarified. Just make it clear that it is told in confidence, dvd that you won't be discussing the pregnancy until things are further on.

And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?
I very much hope so! I can't imagine anyone expecting you to fly with a newborn. If there's any suggestion of a question, just point out that getting the baby registered and passported in time is impossible.
And any questioning can't be any worse than what you'll be getting when they think it's all about flying with the toddler!

No way I'd have been able to travel abroad a few weeks after either of my children's births. Physically wasn't possible. I would have been happy to have my DM over while DH goes to wedding though. DH should go as long as you have support at home.

Having major abdominal surgery IS disabling and the reality is the mother will be in recovery and will need help with caring for her new baby, toddler and herself. A C section and normal birth are incomparable. I would not be trying to diminish her needs - I'm sure those other mothers undertaking 'arduous things' would have been extremely grateful for help and support rather than being expected to crack on with things. That sounds callous and uncaring.

@saraclara I think the OP subsequently posted that there was no way the bride and groom would keep their secret. So while in theory I agree totally with your reasoning, in practise if they have previous for not keeping secrets, then I wouldn't be entrusting them with this information. That falls firmly into the 'once bitten, twice shy' category unfortunately.

This, seriously. Everyone is the centre of their own universe, it doesn't mean they should expect anyone else to centre them. From hen parties abroad (or a hotel for a weekend) to weddings to everything else - it's just completely selfish to expect other people to spend huge amounts of money and time on your occasion.

One of my siblings got married in his wife's home country which is expensive and difficult to travel to. Only 1/3 of my other siblings and I went, I don't even think anyone else needed to offer excuses. My DH's sister also got married abroad, her sister missed it due to work pressures and a 3 year old who wasn't a great traveller, nobody minded.

In this case the key information is that the OP's DH doesn't want to be away from her and their new baby and child for a week so that's all that counts.

Anyone having a wedding anywhere needs to be grateful for the fact that any guests attend, and understanding when people don't or can't.

"One in a lifetime special event"

More special than his newborns first few days?!

"Let him be there for his family"
Like his newborn, wide and toddler?!

Some people are nuts. Why would anyone be encouraging a man to leave his post serious surgery wife and brand new tiny baby to go to a family party?
And either leave her a toddler to care for or drag a toddler across the world. Has anyone ever thought a 20hr each way trip with a toddler is a fun experience?

Most families would understand completely when they are told- at OPs appropriate time- the reason why.

hopefully a once in a life time special moment
Oh please, such sentimental crap. Say if it isn't a special moment? Can they get their money back?
Why should she go through huge stress just to 'show her face for the pics'???? They can photoshop her in if it means that much

Also are people just very stupid? Why so many suggesting you make the effort to go, no chance you'll be medically allowed to fly.
And virtually impossible to get a passport for a 2 week old. You need to get an appointment to register the birth, which you need to be well enough to attebd- both of my kids certs had to be posted to us and then you need to apply and receive a passport. It's not a one week process like a adults renewal!

What is it about weddings?

I believe people old enough to get married should understand that not every can be there.

If not they should do some more growing up. Worse things are going to happen in life than someone missing your wedding.

OP do what suits you and your family. If they’re falling out over it then that’s one less present and a lot of savings on travel etc, you can keep for your own and kids futures.

There is a difference between a friend missing your wedding and not having your brother or sister there though.

I think a newborn baby and a mum recovering from a c section trumps a wedding. Don't you?

Having major abdominal surgery IS disabling and the reality is the mother will be in recovery and will need help with caring for her new baby, toddler and herself. A C section and normal birth are incomparable. I would not be trying to diminish her needs - I'm sure those other mothers undertaking 'arduous things' would have been extremely grateful for help and support rather than being expected to crack on with things. That sounds callous and uncaring.

Well said @ChooseKindnesss

Depends how close you are really!

At the end of the day, they booked the wedding knowing there was one flight a week and lots of people from that side would struggle to make it. If they were getting married more locally or her DH could have gone for a day.

But they haven't. And her DH (rightly) is prioritising his wife and and family. He will be at home, supporting his wife that is recovering from a major surgical procedure. He will be looking after his children and helping toddler through a difficult transition.

Should they wish, they can do a smaller celebration with the DH and others that can't make it locally at another time.

The baby will be a newborn once. He wants to be there for it, have all the memories and photos and stories to talk about for years. He shouldn't be missing a week and a half of it to attend the siblings one day event.

The baby will be a newborn once. He wants to be there for it, have all the memories and photos and stories to talk about for years. He shouldn't be missing a week and a half of it to attend the siblings one day event.

That’s crackers. A wedding is hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime event for the couple. A week of a baby being a newborn is nether here nor there in terms of memories.

Look, I am not saying that the husband should attend the wedding. It sounds like the date will fall at a time when it is simply not practical for him to do so. However I do find it ridiculous that people are trying to minimise the fact that missing your sibling’s wedding is a big deal. It’s quite alright for everyone to feel sadness and regret that he won’t be able to make it, and to be open about that. That is not mutually incompatible with accepting that he can’t be there and not insisting that he find a way. Sometimes clashes happens between two very important things and the solution is not to just pretend that one of them was never important.

It is a big deal that he's missing his siblings wedding. But the way the wedding was planned means he can't attend as leaving his family to attend the wedding would be bigger deal. They've clashed, he's prioritised correctly. They need to explain to his family and if they're reasonable they'll understand.

Yes, that’s what I said.

A week of a baby being a newborn is nether here nor there in terms of memories.
Of course it is! A week of a baby being newborn can be a hugely important memory, and certainly more memorable than a sibling's wedding

It’s astonishing to even to compare the birth of an actual baby with a wedding! A newborn is only new born for 12 weeks! Even if they could fly without jabs and op could walk miles around the airport after a c section!

I have had both a wedding and a baby and stand by the comparison. We’re not taking about the birth, just a week in the life of a non-verbal infant who will not remember a thing about that week. In the age of video calling. And nobody is saying OP should attend.

Fine to focus on the fact that OP may need practical help and emotional support. But to claim that the memory of a wedding is less significant than the memory of a week with a newborn baby is just silly.

You must really dislike your siblings.