Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

[GladAmberEagle]

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

Obviously her behaviour is crazy and incredibly unreasonable. There is no getting away from that fact.

However, genuine question - I assume you didn’t ever really want to go otherwise surely you would be able to change the shift / swap / ask for the time off in advance?

Not asking this to excuse her behaviour in any way but genuinely wondering how you would manage time out that is planned in advance.

I don’t like to generalise but wanted to add - people who don’t work just don’t get it. I have a friend like this - hasn’t worked in years. Would get stressed out at the smallest thing, thought she was busy when in reality she had nothing to do beyond drop her kids at school and tidy the house.

Oh man... I went through this stage. I am not (never) been married and don't have kids. Its really hard to transition when all your friends that knew you when you were young start peeling off and doing other things with their lives. Yes you can make friends in other places but they get a very different version of you from your school friends.

All these things get celebrated (engagements weddings, births, christenings and children’s parties) and your life isn't noticed at the same level. I have moved countries and overcome some really challenging life experiences and no-one was witness to that and its makes me feel unimportant.

Its a lose-lose situation. If you get angry because people are treating you unfairly i.e. people say they are coming and then a couple of days before they start flaking then noon, or even on the day. Or you can just lower your expectations which closes your social opportunities down even more. I can guarantee that this is the straw that broke your friends back by being repeatedly let down by many people and you are just the poor bastard that is copping it

I don't have a solution, but I would say if this person means anything to you. I would let her calm down and then speak to her face to face. Don't take what she said as a direct attack on you but more as a symptom of a bigger issue. Listen to her, don't try and solve her problem. This is a lot to ask of someone who works in a service role so maybe a few of you can turn up to support her.

Do you NEED her as a friend? I wouldn't.

I'd be tempted to forward all abusive messages from her to your friends and her husband. Then "dump" her, completely and forever.

To her husband? What, so he can keep her in check?

Fuck sake.

Yeah... the husband? The hell?

Of course not, what a very quaint train of thought.

Because she will badmouth the OP and lie about everything.

I think you were out of order not messaging her as soon as you knew your shifts to be honest.

Look at it from her point of view....

You said you'd let her know - then didn't and it sounds like you may not have been the only one?

When she text you didn't reply - she may not have known you were at work especially if you work shifts!

When you did eventually reply you said you were at work - if other people are constantly dropping out on her too she may feel that people are just making excuses.

No, she shouldn't be swearing and demanding but it also might be the straw the broke the camels back.

I suspect this could be a case of you all just being as bad as each other and not communicating effectively.

@Frith2013 so what if she does badmouth OP to him?

just block her
let her find some yummy mummy friends with too much time on their hands

She's fxuking mental, drop her like bad habit. I know for a fact nurses barely get their shifts in advance, your lucky to know what shifts you have in 2 weeks time. She's a needy weirdo with not else to do but kick off and imagine sending such abuse messages to "Friends". End this friendship because thats not how friends behave.

This is not someone I would call a friend. You absolutely don’t need this in your life. Even if she is disappointed that people are not able to come, you don’t speak to friends like that. You say she’s always been prone to emotional outbursts and it sounds like her behaviour has been tolerated and kind of normalised, ‘that’s just how she is’ kind of thing. I think either let her know this directly or if you want to avoid further drama where I suspect she’d paint herself the victim, just fade away or block.

This is not normal behaviour.

I am genuinely concerned for her.

I read quote a long time ago it said "Get a life". Ops friend is stuck at home everyday tidying the house, washing clothes and cooking dinner and that's it. Maybe her friend doesn't know how hard op works as a nurse and the monthly struggles of being a single parent. Her friend should show empathy and understanding rather than behaving like a brat because no one wants to hang out with her. The op is very tolerant to have her in her life. Maybe the rest of her friends are losing patience with the brat behaviour.

I'm surprised you really have to ask!

Her friend is married with children and doesn't work. Where as op is a single mum and has to work long shifts as a nurse. They are at the same point in their lives. Ops friend doesn't understand hard work she is at home pruning herself while children are school and husband is at work. There is nothing wrong with women deciding not to work but ops friend is clearly bored as hell.

Who the hell does she think she is?

I’d be tempted to tell her to fuck off but actually ignoring her would probably be more fun.

you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off

I only read up to this part.

But if any “friend” spoke to me like that they’d be getting a “fuck off” and a block in return.

Get rid OP.

If I was being very, very generous I would say that you could have let her know as soon as you got your shifts confirmed. But she is utterly wrong to have sent you messages like that.

Why do you even waste a moment talking to, thinking about or being with this person? Honestly, what joy does she bring to your life?

Friends are supposed to be about liking, enjoyment, fun - not manipulative, self obsessed, uncaring abuse.

You dedicated your life to making others' lives better. Why are you damaging your own by associating with this weirdo?

She is BU, tell her you need more than 1 months notice ( which is usual to need). However, you could of possibly made sure you were off, as the duty rota had not come out. You don't usually sit and wait to see what crap shifts you have, either get your requests in or, if it's not out yet, ask whoever does the rota if you can be off for then. It might not be granted, but it doesn't sound like you were proactive in trying to get it off either.

Freeloading?

She's a nurse they are usually busy helping patients get well. I don't think she has the luxury to sit and wait in an overstretched NHS. It's not surprising her friend's has turned her down. Maybe they are fed up with visiting a child who don't know how to behave. If the op don't talk to her and put her straight then her so called friend will always abuse her. She is enabling her behaviour and making excuses because she can't let go. The older you get the less people you have around you hopefully the op will wise up soon. Then again nurses are gluten for punishment because of their caring side.

Tell her to grow up and get a job! She clearly isn't living in the real world if she reacts like that to cancelled plans.