Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

[GladAmberEagle]

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

"Dear friend. First of all, don't you ever talk to me like that again.
Secondly. I HAVE A JOB. I appreciate that you have no understanding of what that means, but please try and use some imagination.
I await your apology. Please don't expect to hear from me again unless you are able to: 1. apologise for speaking to me in such a disgusting way, and 2. understand in future that I have a JOB which means I can't just drop everything when you snap your fingers without risking the sack."

Is there something else going on behind the scenes? Because that is a pretty extreme escalation.

If you think it’s within a plausible range of behaviour for her - ie she’s not usually this batshit, but she’s often fairly batshit - then I’d block her. No one needs such drama and vitriol.

If it’s off the scale even by her standards, I’d message back asking “what’s this really about? Shift patterns and life as a single parent can’t be what has caused you to lose your shit at me; so what’s actually going on here?”

The only time I had a friend react as extremely as this was when she had been going through some awful stuff she didn’t want to burden anyone with.

When she lost her shit over something minor and I pushed back, it all came pouring out and I understood it wasn’t about the evening out at all, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

But yeah, if this is on brand, drop her.

YANBU and you don't need friends loke this. Working FT as a single parent is extraordinarily hard and you need to save your emotional reserves for this; not dealing with your adult 'friend's' tantrums

The fact that you have to even ask on here if her behaviour is acceptable is very sad OP.

If someone treated me like that I would first of all laugh, and then just block them. And be bloody grateful that they were no longer in my life. Are you short of friends or something?

Bloody hell. Nobody talks to me like that. Why do you grovel to that? How does she have friends?!

I've voted YABU because I can't believe anyone would roll over and accept this kind of behaviour. She sent abusive messages to you at work, and you respond with an apology?
Unbelievable.

No friends have ever spoken to me like that. No non-friends have either!

Get better friends, seriously.

Why do you want anything to do with her?

block and move on

I'd suggest to her that she needs to find herself a job, even if doing unpaid voluntary work, so that she has something to mop up all this spare energy with and so that she can find out what life is like for most people.

"Fuck off" is the only appropriate response in this situation

"It's taken me a while to sufficiently calm down enough to respond to your outburst yesterday. After a long shift, the last thing I needed was the abuse you sent me. I can't get over how you think it's ok to speak to a friend like that. I won't allow you to treat me with such disrespect again. I'm done"

Then block. Permanently.

I would want to put something like this in the group chat, @GladAmberEagle:

”Dear Mildred - you are an adult, so it cannot be news to you that people have to work - it’s how we pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads. Working people do not have the freedom to socialise whenever they want to - you know I work shifts, and cannot easily change them - and you know I can’t answer my phone during work.

You do not have the right to swear at any of us, or to abuse me, because we cannot come to your get-together - this is unacceptable behaviour, and you owe each and every one of us an apology.

If you can grow up, and learn that the rest of us have to work and can’t drop everything for your demands, and if you apologise for your shitty behaviour, we may be able to move on from this, but I, for one, do not want to hear from you unless it is to apologise for your abusive messages.”

This is good advice

Brilliant reply. I hope you do this OP, longstanding friend or not.

Why on earth have you someone like that in your life is the real question?
I simply wouldn't be responding to her further.
Complete silence.
Be careful OP, you are vulnerable if you are accepting such behaviour from ANYONE in your life.

Don’t treat it like those abusive relationships people stick with because they feel they put years of ‘investment’ in it. This woman doesn’t deserve to be your friend. She’s horrible and I see no value in her being your friend. Dump her.

She sounds completely mad and unhinged. If any “friend” spoke to me like that, they’d be blocked and I’d never contact them again.

Also meeting up every two weeks? Never done this with any friend. I’m a nurse like you that does shifts. I think every two weeks when you work full time is mad. You need time for yourself and other people. Clearly she’s got a lot of time on her hands.

Tell her to grow the fuck up and get a job like the rest of the adult population. What a rude little madam.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am,

Where’s your backbone??

She spoke to you like shit and then you apologised because you didn’t reply quick enough!!

Fucking hell!

Tell her you absolutely won’t be coming now after the way she spoke to you. Ask her who she thinks she’s talking to and tell her not to invite you again because you won’t be coming.

Never ever worked? I judge the fuck out of that. I have a paraplegic client with MS who manages to work.

Am I the only person in the world that doesn't have friends like this? I read so much of this type of stuff on MN.
Seriously, how on earth can she think that's a reasonable way to behave?
I haven't voted because YANBU to not go to her get-together, but YABU to let her speak to you like that. She seriously needs to be told to grow up, and never speak to me like that again.

If she’s a friend of long standing and this is unusual behavior, I would try to ask her how she is doing. Something might be going on that’s causing her to act this way. Otherwise I’d distance myself.

I agree. Tell her to fuck off as far as fuck can take her. And also tell her she is immature, inconsiderate and stupid cunt. And not your friend.

She needs a job she clearly has to much free time

She sounds like she's had enough of being put last all the time.
As a fellow shift worker, I can commit to many appointments and have changed teams and companies.
You need to put your foot down at work.
Your friend sounds like she really really needed this girls night.
If there was a wedding or a birthday, I wonder if it's your friend who organises the get togethers?
Her friendships are slipping through her fingers.
She's trying everything - having it at hers would mean less worries if you couldn't be bothered to go.