Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

[GladAmberEagle]

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

Why has she never worked, did she get pregnant very young and is now a SAHM to several kids, does she want to work when they're all at secondary school. I would also keep her at arms length, I'd also wonder how many friends she actually has left after that.

That wasn’t an invitation it was an order. My ex sister in law who also didn’t work was the same. Terrible sulks and bitching to extended family if I couldn’t dash back from work commitments to make it in time for a dinner party where she was rude to everyone. I can’t imagine why any of your group would even want to go to this “friend’s” get togethers, I imagine spending time with her is hard work! And she sounds like a bully. Even if you weren’t busy in work she has no right to dictate how you spend your free time. Personally I’d spend mine with people who weren’t so rude and didn’t speak to me like that. And the fact that you make the effort to go and see the rude obnoxious cow when you would rather spend time being a mum is obviously being taken for granted by her. She sounds absolutely dreadful!

Why has she never worked, did she get pregnant very young and is now a SAHM to several kids, does she want to work when they're all at secondary school.

that is of no relevance whatsoever.
If she was a SAH WIFE with no kid in the past, it's nobody's business and her right.

The issue is her having tantrum and no understanding of people having busy life. The reason why she's not working has nothing to do with anything.

OP can I ask, why doesn’t she work ? Is it choice, sickness, disability ?

Echoing PPs: this is not a friend. This is not how friends behave. Friends genuinely care about you and are considerate. I don't have a large circle of friends, but nobody in my circle - even those I'd consider acquaintances- have ever spoken to me like this. You can - and should - expect more from your friends, and it's OK to let people go if they aren't treating you well, despite how long you've known them

Well people grow and change and what might have been acceptable to you years ago doesn’t have to be now. That behaviour is so unreasonable it’s hard to understand why you’d want to spend any time with her?

At the end of my shift I messaged to say fuck off.

There I fixed it for you.

I’ve asked the question myself because I do think it’s very relevant. If she doesn’t have to work because she’s comfortable or a SAHM and has never worked then she can’t possibly appreciate the pressures and responsibilities of a job like OP’s. Evidenced by repeated text messages saying ‘reply NOW’,while OP is at work. If there’s another problem - sickness or disability related, her outbursts may be related to that.

Just ignore anything further from her. And the job is done.

Even if she has never worked, as a grown woman she should be capable of understanding that most people have to work, and that, most of the time, they have to fit in their social life around their work not vice versa.

I don't believe it's relevant because you don't need to have a high pressure job to UNDERSTAND that people are busy or the level of responsibility even if you have never experienced it yourself.

Most people have pretty stress-free jobs let's be honest. Most jobs are not life or death related.

you don't need to have any experience of the life of a single mum working 13 hours shifts as a nurse to get she's.. busy!

Tell her to fuck off. No way would i let someone speak to me like that.

I think you know you are not being unreasonable.

What I think you are really asking is would you be unreasonable in confronting your friend about her outrageous behaviour, and the answer is no, you would not be unreasonable.

In fact, you have to.

Otherwise her behaviour will just spiral like that of the spoilt child she seems to be. I would be blunt. Tell her that you value her friendship, but you are under pressure and work long hours and cannot always respond to her messages, or attend events to entertain her when you have been working long hours in a highly pressured job. I would be clear that in fact her messages add to your stress and you need them to stop.

If she can't respect that then you know that she values you as a distraction from her own boredom more than she does as a friend.

This.

I wouldn't be able to resist a parting shot.

"Perhaps you don't realize how rude, presumptuous and obnoxious your recent messages have been. I, and many of our mutual friends, work long hours at difficult jobs. We do not exist to fulfill your social whims, especially since in your demanding messaging you utterly lack empathy for people with busy lives. Your vulgar, insulting outburst is the last straw. Please do not contact me again."

She needs a job. Too much time on her hands.

First reply has it.

Tell her to piss off with her nonsense.

I’d tell her to get a job then she might understand. She would no longer be my friend. Your silence speaks volumes to her I expect. Well done op.

Uh no I couldn’t be dealing with that. I’m nearly 40 and I’ve finally stopped being a people pleaser. My social circle has seriously shrunk but I’ve got to that stage in life that I will not jump through hoops for people at the risk of my well-being.

YANBU wow I’d be blocking someone if they spoke to me like that!

You don't have to put up with abusive shit just because you've known her a long time. It's crazy.

Indeed. She sounds like the social equivalent of those people who run their own little (not particularly busy) shops - who, when desperately hoping that some customers will come in, stand in the doorway, blocking it, to ensure that absolutely nobody who might have been considering coming in will ever do so now.

I also have a job that means i cannot check my phone and im amazed at the number of people who cannot understand that and who think it is acceptable to be constantly on your phone for personal reasons during work hours

I would reply get a job and block. Honestly so rude.

Yep!!

Clearly, she no friend.