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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

247 replies

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:44

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/10/2024 21:15

Christstollen · 22/10/2024 19:26

Why has she never worked, did she get pregnant very young and is now a SAHM to several kids, does she want to work when they're all at secondary school.

that is of no relevance whatsoever.
If she was a SAH WIFE with no kid in the past, it's nobody's business and her right.

The issue is her having tantrum and no understanding of people having busy life. The reason why she's not working has nothing to do with anything.

It has. She is rude and selfish. She wouldn't get away with that behaviour in a working environment.

treadingonlego · 22/10/2024 21:17

I used to have a friend like this. We all made excuses for her over the years, and ultimately enabled her to speak to us and treat us badly. It got progressively worse as the dynamic became more and more ingrained, until a couple of us took a step back after a situation like this and thought 'nah, fuck this'. We were anxious and exhausted with her. I've never missed her, despite the many, many years we were friends.

betterangels · 22/10/2024 21:30

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2024 20:59

Anyone messaging me " REPLY NOW " would never hear from me again.

Absolutely!

She needs a reality-check.

WtfRtheUsernames · 22/10/2024 21:33

YANBU. That's awful and no way should she have spoken to you like that.
What I will say though - is she ok? As in emotionally/mentally? Is she happy in her life, marriage etc? Not trying to make excuses for her but her reaction speaks volumes so trying to make some sort of sense of it

Floppyelf · 22/10/2024 21:34

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:54

I know people are replying saying I must have low self worth etc, but I’ve asked because I didn’t expect this level of outburst from her. To the point where I really questioned am I being an asshole and inconsiderate friend? But thank you all for clarifying she is being unreasonable.

The first page of this thread is all you need. Multiple women giving you a perfect answer. I say women because there are differences in how men socialise and women socialise. I would just dump her as a friend. Who has time for all that drama. She’s probably got worse with age as no one in your friend circle has ever pulled her up on her embarrassing behaviour. She sounds like a coke head.

TicTac80 · 22/10/2024 21:34

I had a friend like this. Lovely normally, but after a few drinks (and she used to drink often), she'd turn abusive (and send/say really horrible things). I gave her the benefit of the doubt for years, then one day, after a load of abusive messages, I'd had enough and told her what I thought of her behaviour...and that I was sick of the fact the she used "being drunk" as an excuse for being abusive.

YANBU and in your position, I'd be telling her very clearly what I thought of her behaviour, and then I'd be blocking her. If she is so stupid to not get in to her head that you can't just bloody skip work to go to her soirees, then that is on her.

terracottafarm · 22/10/2024 21:34

I'd tell her to fuck right off speaking to me like that. Respond 'maybe no one wants to fucking come to yours especially with an attitude like that'

Starlightstarbright3 · 22/10/2024 21:35

I would post her messages on the group and explain you will no longer be communicating with her .. Then block .

Cel77 · 22/10/2024 21:40

That's not a friend.

StaunchMomma · 22/10/2024 21:41

Do any of you ever stand up to her and point out that your work takes priority?

She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I really wouldn't let those abusive messages slide if I were you.

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/10/2024 21:47

After a 13 hour shift, the last thing you need is harassment from her and her.

She's completely unhinged.

Lifeomars · 22/10/2024 21:47

Just out of interest what are her get-togethers like? Are they in any way enjoyable or special, does she cater and host, play good music? Does she take an interest in everyone's news and enjoy catching up with people? Because it doesn't sound like she is in any way fun to be around or interesting company.

As for that message, it is unbelievably rude, is she 10 and having a strop> And how can she not get her head around the fact that you work long hours in a demanding job and cannot have your phone with you at work. I had a friend who did not work and she really could not comprehend that when I was working on a secure mental health ward I wasn't allowed to have my phone on me. I do think that people who do not work can get their heads around having to follow regulations at work nor that work is bloody knackering too. Oh and that friend of mine is no longer a friend, our worlds became incompatible

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/10/2024 21:48

and her small mind, I meant to say.

Loub1987 · 22/10/2024 21:51

I wouldn’t associate with someone who speaks to me like that.

AngelInBlueJeans · 22/10/2024 21:57

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:44

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

GladAmberEagle… and you call her a friend? Do yourself a big favour and offload this selfish person from your life, she has no thought for anyone but herself.
Your life will be enriched for not having her in it.

FiveShelties · 22/10/2024 21:57

You have a very strange definition of a 'friend'.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2024 21:58

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:48

She’s been a friend since a young age and has always been prone to emotional outbursts. I think unfortunately we’ve all became numb to it from not wanting to disrupt the peace but she has definitely crossed a boundary with me now!

Show quote history

She's vile

Maybe dumping her will wake her ideas up

Friends do not behave like this

tillyandmilly · 22/10/2024 21:59

She sounds horrible!

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2024 21:59

saraclara · 22/10/2024 17:01

"I am a single mother. A nurse who works 13 hour shifts to keep a roof over my family's head and feed them. I cannot be available wherever you want me to be

I'm a nurse. I am not allowed to have my phone on my person during a shift. I cannot answer your messages when you want me to, never mind "NOW".

Clearly I'm not the kind of friend you're looking for, so time to call it a day, I think."

PS. Get yourself a job and then you'll realise how awful you've been

whynotwhatknot · 22/10/2024 21:59

why did you apologise honestly she talks to you like shit

StrongasSixpence · 22/10/2024 22:02

Trickabrick · 22/10/2024 16:54

I would reply “I will not put up with anyone talking to me like that. Do not contact me again unless it’s to apologise”. That’d be her last chance, only on the basis of a long-standing friendship.

This is the only answer needed.

workworkworkblahblahblah · 22/10/2024 22:04

I'd tell her to shove her friendship up her arse

Shoemadlady · 22/10/2024 22:07

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 22/10/2024 16:50

No you're not.

You should reply to her I've been thinking about it and you are completely right. Ive been a terrible friend letting you down by going to work to pay the bills. I dont know what i was thinking. Its shit of me and i hope you can forgive me. Anyway, I went to my manager and I said fuck your shift! I'm going to Xs party instead.
Of course they fired me and now I can't feed my children or keep a roof over our heads but fear not, I'll be there, Queen! No wage is more important than you.

Then block the nasty cow and make new friends.

Ones that aren't tedious twats.

Ha ha this!

Socktopusses · 22/10/2024 22:16

Your phone is there for your convenience - it is not an electronic leash - you're not a dog she can instruct to come immediately.

She is no friend. You need to be blunt with her and tell her that it's a completely unacceptable way to speak to her friends.

Normallynumb · 22/10/2024 22:17

You may have a historical friendship but she's just destroyed that
" Fuck off" and block will suffice
Forget her

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