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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

247 replies

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:44

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MadMadamMum · 22/10/2024 17:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/10/2024 17:18

I absolutely would respond in the group to call her out in front of the group for this.

"Jane, I will not tolerate the aggressive manner in which you addressed both the group, and me privately in your messages. It was both highly disrespectful and abusive. Please do not contact me again."

Then I would start a new group, with the others you like and leave her out. Her behaviour is disgusting.

Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 22/10/2024 17:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Justnippinginthegaragelove · 22/10/2024 17:18

Life's too short to deal with dick heads like her. Dump her and I promise you will feel relieved (having just done the same myself recently!)

Bestyearever2024 · 22/10/2024 17:19

To the point where I really questioned, am I being an asshole and inconsiderate friend

I find it odd that you would question YOURSELF when your friend is so obviously being abusive

However, you now know that she is not a friend.

She is an abusive leech

In future, you can make decisions relating to her, with this knowledge

AmpleOlive · 22/10/2024 17:21

Give her a taste of her own medicine and tell her to fuck off. She probably can’t take it back despite dishing it out. Surely your other friends must feel the same.

VioletCrawleyForever · 22/10/2024 17:21

Block her and move on with your life.

InfoSecInTheCity · 22/10/2024 17:21

I'd send something back like:

I know you're upset and I'm sorry I can't attend, but don't ever speak to me like that again. I will not tolerate your emotional diarrhoea anymore. If you can't commit to speaking to me with the respect our friendship deserves then I think we should call it a day now.

If you are willing to commit then it would be nice to meet up at another time, as you know my shifts can be inflexible but I can let you know my ability once I have it.

TheKitchenSink34 · 22/10/2024 17:21

I would tell her to fuck off and block her. None of my friends have ever spoken to me like that, and if they did I wouldn't be friends with them anymore.

Snorlaxo · 22/10/2024 17:21

I bet your kids know that this is not how you treat a friend. This kind of behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable in a 4 year old never mind a so-called adult. I’m surprised that you call this person a friend.

Noseybookworm · 22/10/2024 17:24

Of course you're not unreasonable! Who needs friends like this? Tell her to fuck off 🙄

Wells37 · 22/10/2024 17:24

Thevelvelletes · 22/10/2024 16:54

Reply now...ok Fuck off you inconsiderate cunt.bye bye and block.

Do this

Onlyonekenobe · 22/10/2024 17:26

Tbh I'd be wonder if she's okay. That's well outside the norm of acceptable behaviour. In your shoes I'd be waiting until I had the time and headspace, had done everything for my DC and were sitting calmly and without anger towards her, and just message asking if everything's okay. Very odd indeed.

midgetastic · 22/10/2024 17:26

I'd be more minded to reply

I know you are upset that I can't come. But your reaction to the fact that i work is crazy- is there something I should know about ? Is something wrong ?

Screamingabdabz · 22/10/2024 17:27

Agree with everyone else. You do not need to put up with other people’s shit. It’s one of the few benefits of being a grown adult…unless they’re your boss (or the like), you can just tell them to jog on.

I think being a nurse and putting up with the general public has numbed you to how normal human interaction should be, especially between friends: respectful and moderate. Not what she is sending you.

Tell her to call you when she has some empathy for your life and work. And when she has learned some self control.

horsesforcourses6 · 22/10/2024 17:29

She doesn’t work and has nothing better to do than organise these get togethers, which is why it seems like the end of the world to her.

I think she’s got away with her crap behaviour for too long and it’s time someone gave her a bollocking.

If I were you I’d phone her up and go ballistic at her. How dare she demand you reply immediately just because she has no life of her own.

Brefugee · 22/10/2024 17:31

frankly? i woluld post screenshots of it all in the group chat and tell her to get fucked.

Pistolpunk · 22/10/2024 17:34

GladAmberEagle · 22/10/2024 16:44

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

If anyone did that to me I would not even bother to reply but block them on everything and go about my life. I also work long hours and sometimes on days off I just want peace and solitude with no pressure. I also will go to planned events with friends or have friends over etc but that kind of toxic childish behaviour is not something I would tolerate.

Cocothecoconut · 22/10/2024 17:34

Two words to her
GET STUFFED
and block her number

Heronwatcher · 22/10/2024 17:36

”Dear Madfriend. It’s obvious you’re disappointed but your behaviour is completely unacceptable. I have been clear all along that the plan may not work for me. Of course I have to prioritise my job, which is the way I pay my bills, and which involves working shifts. If you are unable to understand that then I think it’s sensible for me to take a step back from this friendship.”

Maray1967 · 22/10/2024 17:36

I’m not friends with anyone who would send me messages like that.

Do you seriously need this person in your life?

I would explode in message form along the lines of ‘ how dare you message me like that?’ Unless the reply is a sincere apology, that would be it.

LorettyTen · 22/10/2024 17:36

She wouldn't be my friend any longer if she acted like that

lovenotwar149 · 22/10/2024 17:36

Ditch her...simple as. Can do it kindly but DITCH her!

Entertherubicon · 22/10/2024 17:36

Send her a text telling her to get a life & then block the bitch and move on. You don't need an abusive, unsympathetic freeloading arsehole as a so called friend.

lovenotwar149 · 22/10/2024 17:37

Entertherubicon

Well put!