Friend throwing tantrum over the fact I can’t attend her get together

[GladAmberEagle]

For context, I am a nurse and typically work back to back 13 hour shifts. I am a single mum.

My friend, is married with children and does not work, and never has - totally respect that, and the only reason I mention that is because I believe it’s a contributing reason to this situation.

All of the people in our friendship group work. My friend is regularly trying to plan get together at her house, every other week, without the consideration that the rest of us work complete long hours. My friend asked over a month ago if we could all have a get together at hers. I told her I would let her know as my shifts hadn’t been released then, as we have a new manager so they are being completed quite late in advance.

Yesterday in the group chat we all received a message saying ‘you all fucking better be coming’, and her basically having a meltdown as some people had already cancelled. She then sent me directly a message in that group chat saying ‘you better fucking come or I’m going to kick off’. I was doing a 13 hour shift as a nurse and obviously don’t have my phone on me. While I was working I received multiple messages saying ‘reply NOW’.

At the end of my shift I messaged to say how sorry I am, but I couldn’t go as I’m in work both Saturday and Sunday and only recently found out.

I was then bombarded by multiple abusive messages. None of which I have opened because I really cannot be bothered for the drama.

my friend seems to have no capacity that people have busy lives, and 9 times out of 10 I always make sure I go to her get togethers - even when I’ve done 4 13 hour shifts in a row and I just want a day to be a mum.

AIBU?

Is she 14?

She isn't your friend.

Grey rock her, go low contact until she apologises. You’re an adult with a stressful life and responsibilities. You quite literally don’t have time for that shit.

The entitlement of some people is crazy. She sounds self obsessed.

Tell her to do one

In what world do people have friends that swear at them and talk to them like that?

Bloody hell, she’s horrible or has fuck all else to do in life. Tell her to get a life (job!)

I just cannot imagine a stranger speaking to me like that let alone a 'friend'. Why on earth would you
tolerate this?

My response would be something along the lines of "I'm not quite sure who you think you are talking to. Do NOT swear at me or demand a response "NOW". I do not answer to you and, no, I will not be at your gathering."

I would then block her. You must surely know this is not how friends behave?

You need to create boundaries.....

Rude friend I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me like this. If you ever talk to me like this again I will end this friendship. I am too old and to busy for this rudeness and all the drama.

Then she absolutely will do it again and you'll have to cut her off. In the meantime id withdrawn from the friendship.

The level of outburst does not have a direct correlation with the rightness of the person having the outburst 😂. She isn’t remotely in the right expecting you all to jump to her plans and she certainly has no business having an emotional outburst (to put it mildly).
You are being totally reasonable, but you need to distance yourself.

If a patient spoke to you like that at work what would you do? You would put up boundaries!

Putting aside that she is obviously a complete dick for a second..

You say she asked a month ago, you didn't know your shifts... did you ever actually let her know whether you'd be attending?

I can sort of see why she's wound herself up if you've told her you will... I can't if you haven't though I can see why she might not grasp that you have gone a whole month without knowing your shift pattern (because I can't quite see how anyone can work like that either!).

But whatever really, she is a total bell-end and anyone speaking to me like that would be firmly told to fuck the fuck off and never contact me again!

Former friend by now I hope.

She is batshit. Who really wants to have get-togethers once a fortnight never mind castigating people who can't attend for whatever reason (& your reason is quite valid).

Just ignore, she'll get over. I doubt you are the only refuser.

OP, she’s not a friend. It’s that simple
Also, how can you respect the fact that’s she’s never worked?? Not even pre kids?? I couldn’t have someone like that in my life.
You deserve better, she’s an arsehole

Some friend! Just block her and move on.

I’m sorry but that isn’t a friend

but I’ve asked because I didn’t expect this level of outburst from her.

So there was always going to be an outburst?

id be cutting her off as a friend. She sounds like an absolute arsehole.

This! I've never had a single person, friend, partner, family or work message me "reply now!" Let alone multiple times, let alone all the other stuff. She sounds like a nightmare, I'm surprised anyone WANTS to spend time with her at all, regardless of time or location

Time to set a boundary - doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends for years, this is ridiculous. “I am not going to be spoken to like this, I work as a nurse and am working a 13 hour shift that day. I am not going to be subject to a toddler tantrum.”

Tell her to grow up and get a job.

She sounds a bully.Why would you want to friends with such an aggressive self centered turd ?
What have your other friends said ?

Nope, time to sack her off. I think you already know that though.

I had a friend like yours OP, they ranted to the point were the friend group were all numb to their outbursts and dreading the next summoning to get together .

One day I just thought why am I dealing with this stress trying to accommodate their wants, they knew they were unreasonable as they often referred to themself as being bitchy. So I told them that I wasn’t able to attend something, let them have a meltdown at me, telling me maybe we’ve outgrown our friendship. I took my opportunity to readily agree they were right and agreed with their suggested we shouldn’t hang out any more 😁 the rest of the friend group followed suit and we’re all a lot more relaxed 5 years down the line. Wish I’d walked away sooner.

shes’s not your friend, you probably have outgrown one another, her outbursts are not acceptable, you wouldn’t let your kids friends talk to them like that, so don’t accept it for yourself!