For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

IMO the difference in cost is only relevant if the opportunities are not equal; in this case both girls would be receiving the education that suits them.

It seems pointless to send a kid to private school for the sake of it, especially if she’s thriving where she already is.

Send your children where suits them best. I have 3DC and they have all gone to different high schools, they are individuals with different strengths/weaknesses, one size doesn't fit all.

In the circumstances that you mention YANBU

Your reasoning is sound. But when it comes to siblings it doesn’t really matter the reason, they will just see that one for more than the other. Especially when they’re older.

You have a few ways to mitigate. Offer D1 the same opportunity, ask if she’d prefer to attend that school as well for example. Or find some other way to level up.

I have asked dd1 if she would like to go to the private school as well and explained to her the situation. At the moment she doesn't care but she is only 14.

I sent one to private and one to state. I sent each to the school that would suit them best. DS who is very bright went to state grammar and DD who has slow processing , a chronic health condition and mental health issues was better suited to our smaller local non selective private school.

I have 3 adult children. They all went to different schools, sometimes state, sometimes private. Basically they went to the schools that suited each of them as they are very different people. It has never been a problem between them in any way as they knew we were doing our very best for them. Horses for courses and all that ......

Have you spoken to DD1? I think it would be unfair to send DD2 to private school if that wasn’t an option for DD1, but it sounds like you could send them both if that wasn’t what they wanted. I think you need to have a conversation with DD1 and make sure she knows that if she wanted to change schools and attend private that could be an option, if she then decides to stay where she is but with the knowledge the opportunity to move is there if she wants it then I think that’s fine and not unfair, it would only be unfair to send one and not the other if it wasn’t an option for the other.

For dd1 we never considered the private as the state was an excellent option for her. I have offered her the opportunity to change but she has friends at her school.

I am afraid I do not agree with the crowd on this one

Imagine your sibling being afforded much better opportunities than you. It starts in childhood - This would not only make you believe your parents had a clear favorite, but would impact the rest of your life and you could grow up resenting your parents

Either send them both, or not at all.

If DD1 isn’t bothered then you should go ahead, and maybe make it known to DD1 that she can change her mind at any time. Also extend the offer of ‘investing’ in her in other ways - does she have hobbies?

As long as dd1 has been consulted it's fine.
If music is dd2's talent, then being in private will make a humongous difference.

I would have 1-1 time with you eldest. Write it all out, the pros of each school specific to her. Go on a tour of the private school with just your eldest, so she has time to take it all in and come to an independent decision. When she’s an adult, I think it will be good for her to look back and know her parents really did try to make sure the best decision is made. I didn’t go to private so I don’t know the ins and outs, but thinking about when she finishes school, will she have wider opportunities if she had been to the private school? Are there other opportunities more suited to her, that you could offer her, alongside state school?

My cousins did this and it was fine as this in state absolutely didn't want to go to the private school and has never regretted it.

There is a chance your eldest might regret it later but if you believe she is happy and thriving and she says she is then that's all you can with.
Don't let younger DC miss out for nothing.

I came her expecting to say no, its not ok but I think given your DD1 has a choice to move if she wants (and would explore this again for sixth form) then it would be fine. Keep checking in with her, make sure she doesn't resent it in her future.

She’s only in Year 8 so it wouldn’t be too late for her to change, it’s not like she’s now in sixth form and won’t have ever had the option. If she doesn’t want to change then that’s her decision, just make it clear the option is open for her in the future if she decides she would benefit from changing school in the future. If she’s chosen not to take the opportunity now it’s arisen then it’s not unfair, it’s her choice.

It's horses for courses and each child is unique. It sounds like your eldest daughter is thriving in her state school whilst your youngest would do better in a private school. You are treating them equally by putting them in schools that suit them best. The fact they happen to different schools is irrelevant as it would be unfair to insist they go to the same school as one daughter would be a bad fit and lose out.

I also think it's important to consider that it's a marathon not a sprint. DD1 may well need you to spend more money on her when she gets older and even when she's an adult. By trying to keep it 'fair' now you could end up frittering away money that DD1 could make good use of in the future.

What I have seen in my longish life is that a bright child will learn WHEREVER they go to school especially if the parents encourage and support them. A less bright child will benefit more from the sort of education you get at private school - smaller classes, more individual attention etc.

Not necessarily too relevant to your situation, but it's worth consideration by your other posters and lurkers.

Go for it - it sounds like the schools suit them very well. As long as DD1 is not getting denied extracurricular opportunities because of the cost of DD2's, it seems reasonable. DD1 might not even want to move schools, if she has a good bunch of friends.

Needs may be different at another point - DD1 may want to do an A-level subject only offered at the private, or may need more support later to do a Masters or something like that.

I sent my DD to an independent school because she won a scholarship. I did consider sending my DS too because he always struggled at school because of ADHD but when I asked him he said no because he didn't want to go to school on Saturday and not finish school until 6pm.

It's difficult because you don't want DD1 to look back and think that DD2 got extra money towards her education even if state school is better for her. She might not view it like that. Is there any extra clubs/tution that you could pay for DD1 so that she's had a boost to her education or maybe more help at University level (if she wants to go).
At the same time, if DD2 has a partial scholarship, I would definitely send her even if DD1 stays in state school. It's too good of an opportunity to miss.

Treating children fairly doesn’t mean treating them the same.

My daughter goes to a private school. It’s a lovely place although not strongly focused on the academics. She is autistic and it suits her needs. My other daughter, although autistic but with ADHD and different needs, wants to go to (a very academic) state secondary with her friends. As long as she thrives, we will support this because it’s what works for them both.

I wish my parents had done this.

We lived in an area with a super selective girls grammar school. I got a place there. However, my parents were concerned that my sister wouldn't, but that she would be swallowed up by the local comprehensive.

They thought it would be unfair to send one to state - even though it was amazing and had much better academic outcomes - and one to private. So they sent us both to private.

That worked out well for my younger sister but not so much for me. I would have much preferred the state grammar.

DD1 really enjoys reading and often borrow books from the library, if there are books she would like to keep I am happy to buy them, but this doesn't usually happen. There is a big library at her school. She also does another language out of school which cost way less than DD2's expenses for cello and the piano. She does choir and debating at school, but those are for free.