For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

I stand corrected. That is the kind of prodigal gift which would be picked up by the press in the UK. Congratulations to her.

I agree with the posters who have recommended putting the equivalent funds in a trust for DD1, but even more importantly you must invest time in her. It does not matter that her chosen activities are not naturally those which require a lot of parental involvement - if necessary you must manufacture it. It can be incredibly difficult to grow up in the shadow of a gifted sibling.

Unless it is excelling academically - or specifically dedicated to music students it will be at risk.
No private school will survive in the current climate. Have a close look at classroom sizes, finances and listen to current parents. Don’t sign up to a mediocre private school, choose a big player that is likely to weather the VAT storm unless it outstanding and attracts children with huge talent and therefore has its own USP.

Your child may not be academically gifted but you should still aim high, especially given you are paying for the privilege.

OP isn't in the UK.

Being musically gifted is great for when you want a nice hobby for the rest of your life, but I wouldn't fork out a fortune on sending a child to private school just because they like to play the piano. So yabu.
Her sibling will end up feeling second best, this is inevitable.

I’d invest the equivalent amount to what you’re paying in fees into investments for your DD. Private school gives you more than just the education. That investment will mean dd1 sees you are being treated equally and will help offset the impossible to quantify advantages of contacts made and confidence etc private school pupils gain.

I think your reasoning is good and you have involved your DD1 in discussion, which I think is important.

I was in a very similar situation to your DD1. I went to a local good non-selective comprehensive. My brother was sent to an independent school. I am more academic and came out with higher grades and an Oxbridge place. My brother did fairly well academically but his musical talents were really nurtured. We each had the right schooling for us.

I think it's really important to ask DD1 if there are any extracurricular opportunities she would like to do and review this regularly. (The only thing I resent a bit in retrospect is this - my parents didn't organise music lessons for me when there weren't spaces at school, and I wish they had made the effort.) I would also review the independent school question again at Sixth Form as there is often a greater variety of subjects on offer (there may also be other advantages in terms of enrichment, careers/futures support, more specialist teachers, but obviously that differs from school to school - the state school may do all that really well too).

Yes the selective state school is like a grammar except that any kid who live in the local catchment can also attend. We can afford to support both in high education.

If you can genuinely afford to send both, I’d offer private school to DD1 but let her decide.

As in: „it is perfectly fine if you also want to switch private school as well. We can very comfortably afford tuition fees for the both of you. This is abouty your wishes.“

But you’re not unreasonable to send DD2 to private school and DD1 to a state school IF that is what both your DDs want.

dd1 is gifted in her own way so I wouldn't say she is overshadowed by dd2. She has her fair share of achievements both at school subjects and science competitions. How do I invest time in dd1's interests?

My firstborn is very academic and capable of getting into a very good grammar school and would thrive there and fit in well.

My second born is average academically but sporty and we will consider the local good all rounder private school as well as the good (but very big with some behaviour issues) comp if she can't get into grammar or wouldn't be happy there. DD1 would fit grammar better than either of those options.

I think you need to do what is best for each child.

DD went to selective grammar school and DS went to private school. DD had a good education and chose her school and was perfectly happy with her brother going to private school. Both went to university and we paid for DDs MA which in those days probably equalled the cost of her brother’s schooling.

IMHO - I have many friends who were treated differently with private versus schooling - you are likely laying down future issues for their relationship with each other and with you as parents.
It doesn’t matter what way you cut it - favouring or being seen to favour one over like this will cause resentment.

It doesn’t matter your reasons - these are real examples - girl who didn’t read as well as sibs at a certain age, boy who was into a particular sport, boy who was sent as it was dad’s old school, not enough money for youngest child, only money for one, dad who wanted to see how they would turn out if one went private and one went state…

DO NOT treat them differently. It’s not just about picking a school that suits - and you know it. 2 different private schools, fine or 2 different state schools also fine but NOT spend a butt laid of money on one’s education and not the other .

This is a tricky one, from the reading the title I thought it’s not fair but after reading your reasons and the fact that DD1 is happy, settled and doing well in her current school I think it’s ok. Like others have said offer DD1 the school and make the offer again for private sixth form or the equivalent.

Perhaps you just genuinely have a softer spot for the youngest and want to make her life as easy as possible. You’ve made her sound more interesting than the oldest in here.

I think this is fine - as long as Dd1 knows the option is available to her should she want it let her decide. If she chooses to stay at state you can always offer to pay off her Uni fees/living in lieu.

I'm the elder sister in this scenario, state grammar educated. My younger sister went off at 13 to a private girls' boarding school, where it took her 3 attempts to pass O level maths. I felt and still feel about as much resentment as you'd expect: zero. But I can work on cultivating some frothing indignation, if it helps?

‘I think your reasoning is good and you have involved your DD1 in discussion, which I think is important.’

What’s she supposed to say - don’t give the youngest the opportunity?? It’s a lot of pressure on her, she’ll certainly feel as if she couldn’t object. Leave her out of it .Time to put your big girl pants on, make a decision and be prepared to deal with consequences.

If the information posted by @FlakySwan is correct, her Dd2 isn’t gifted in the sense of ‘a nice hobby’. She would be surely considered one of the most talented children in her country and looking towards a very successful career in music. Virtually no state school could support that.

My 2 went to different schools at secondary level. Eldest to a great state school that supported his interests and level of academic ability. The younger went to a very small independent that got him through without getting into too much trouble and nurtured his talents. They both achieved extremely similar results.

I can say with my hand on my heart that neither has a shred of resentment. We made the decision based on them as individuals.

I think doing this is more likely to cause resentment than sending them to different schools.

Maybe DD2 would rather have money invested for her, than go to private school? And as she's 10/11, she's too young to be able to choose.

This happened to my OH. He passed the 11+, his twin didn't, his parents felt they were equalising by sending her to an independent school. He has huge resentment about this, feels he wasn't supported, it didn't help that he utterly hated his school, but the offer was never there to find the perfect fit for him.
His sister was also quite accomplished in a hobby which took up a lot of his parent's time and money.
He is close to his sister but not his parents.
As a result we've tried very hard to bring our kids up equally. If one had won a full scholarship then we may have gone with it as we are not spending more on one, but a part scholarship, no.

Ah… you aren’t in the UK. I was going to ask that when you said conservatorium. The British music colleges/conservatoires (tertiary/university level) have Saturday junior music colleges where highly gifted students come from all over the country to take music and theory lessons, play in orchestras and smaller groups. I agree with a PP that diploma level in year 6 is an extraordinary level of talent. What does her teacher suggest? Are there no boarding music specialist schools in Australia? Not that I would really want my child to board at that age but we are talking about a uniquely gifted child…

I think you are being extremely reasonable. :) you are considering all points and just making sure everyone is where they would be happy and thriving.

I'm sure you can make up to your oldest by paying something extra for her like uni or mortgage deposit in a few years or whatever she needs!

Just as an extra point. My sibling attended a private school for A levels and my parents paid massive amounts of tuition and I went to a state school. I never once thought that was unfair as we are just different people and had different opportunities.

This scenario sounds rather familiar in some ways, from my own background. We grew up in Australia but missed the expansion of selective schooling. Had an academically selective state school been available to me that would have been the right place for me to go; as it was I obtained an academic scholarship. My younger sister was also academic and a music scholar, at a school with more extensive music than mine. As an adult she has at times expressed resentment to my parents not "letting her" go to the Con high - but by the time we would have been there it had stopped being academically selective and their academic teaching was woeful (I've subsequently confirmed that with people I've met in the UK who were there!!). It was very important to my parents that my sister could choose to make a music career rather than it being forced on her or just assumed; and in fact she did a year of another course at uni before committing solely to music.

Towards the end of school (once I'd stopped my music lessons) my mother sometimes expressed her concern that they were spending increasing amounts on my sister compared with me. National music camp cost a lot more than my subsidised maths and science camps for example! I didn't feel I was missing out (and in fact I now use the first high quality instrument that was bought for my sister....)

OP it sounds like you are getting a lot of things right for both of them from things you mention. Being involved in a conservatorium orchestra sounds at least partly equivalent to the junior music Saturday programmes that exist in London and a few other places in the UK. (Anecdote given how many people on the thread have mentioned specialist music schools - I remember a boy I was in a junior string orchestra with when we were in year 6, who left to go to the Menuhin school ...)

One thing I would say though, is be prepared for the costs for your musician daughter to continue on and on. An internationally respected musician who met my sister towards the end of her BMus asked why she wasn't in Europe? Purely finances - my parents didn't have the resources to send her to courses and competitions. By the time she had graduated then worked for a year to save up to move to the UK and try, it was almost "too late" (very early 20s!!).

Your best option as I see it is to continue looking out for both their needs and giving them time. Do check before year 11 if there is reason and opportunity for your eldest to move school (including from one selective to another - is that something that happens?). Do keep looking out for courses and competitions and challenges for your eldest. Make sure that she knows money is available if there is something she really wants to do.

Good luck!

I'd put the same amount of money away for dd1 with the caveat that she can access it for educational activities/trips/experiences as and when required. That way she is in the school that suits her and can't complain that dd2 had better chances in life
Presumably dd1 wad offered the chance to learn musical instruments but it wasn't her forte so she can hardly complain that dd2 is 'lucky' to be in a musical oriented schooling programme.