For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

You've offered her the opportunity to go and she's old enough to understand your reasoning for sending DD2. Why not save some of the money you would have spent on school fees for DD1 and keep it aside should she need it in the future. It shouldn't automatically be hers because that wouldn't be fair on DD2 (as she can't help where her abilities lie).

Is it just one private school they can both go to? Are there no selective private schools near you that might suit the older child better? I think asking your dd to make the decision at 14 is a bit underhanded - she isn’t old enough to make a decision like this. YOU need to research all the options available to her on her behalf and then guide her.

IME an academic child often benefits more from the right private school than a non-academic one. Some Private schools are more likely to have parents volunteer to offer internships in high status roles etc.

I think this is fine as long as you have open lines of communication and DS1 genuinely is equally happy and has equal opportunities.

If your y6 daugher has a post-grade-8 diploma in both cello and piano that is a rare talent. Have you considered specialist music schools like the Purcell School for her? Is she at least attending one of the saturday junior music colleges at e.g. Guildhall or RCM? I can't imagine any school, private or not, being able to cater to that level of ability in a child that age!

The thing that appeals to DD2 more is the fantastic music program offered at the private school. In our case the state school is more academic then the private.

Where we live there are not specialist music schools unfortunately. She is in the orchestra in the conservatorium and she does private music theory classes. We have not came across any chance to attend a junior music college. Maybe a conservatorium is the same thing?

My older sister and I went to state school, my younger to private. We didn't resent it at all. I'm not sure of my parents reasoning but the state schools in the area were very good and we (me and my older sister) were not disadvantaged.

In terms of other aspects. Our friends children had other differences that emerged - elocution, friendship circles and the opportunities that come with that, confidence, soft skills, connections, sports ability at all levels, language skills and travel, cultural and access. Academics and music are not the only differences.

I disagree about it being unfair, it makes no sense to move DD1 when she is settled at a good school and is thriving simply to try to make it "fair", and it makes no sense to deprive DD2 attending a school that will obviously bring out the best in her simply because you don't want DD1 to be upset.

Her decision should be based on what is best for each child. Yes she should have a discussion with DD1 so she understands why but she shouldn't pull DD1 out or deprive DD2 simply to be fair.

Personally I don’t think that by sending her private you are giving her more opportunities than her sister. Where we live, the selective state schools often have better GCSE and A Level results than some of the local privates (it’s mixed, some privates are very results driven but some are sporty and pastoral and their academic results really aren’t that brilliant). We would much prefer our kids to go to the selective state than the private if they can get in as we think it offers better opportunities as well as a more well rounded experience. I don’t think it’s quite as black and white as some suggest.

This was the situation in my family. I was the older daughter at a great grammar. My younger sister at a private school as less academic. I was fine with it at the time but the resentment has built since. Decades on. If you think about it, it's the very start of giving yourself permission to give more resources to one child than the other because they need 'more help'. (In my case, both of us had a great start in life and had loads going for us. It's not like one had a disability). Whether that's more help with money for further education or a house deposit, more help with childcare etc. This is the pattern that has now been established that the younger sibling simply needs more help with everything and the eldest is seen as doing fine and overlooked. I feel very strongly that this isn't fair. I intend to set the same money aside for both kids so that if one gets private school, the other can have a pool of funds for something else...like a masters degree, or house deposit etc...even if that means the one with private school has to do without something later on.

You need more feedback from people on the receiving end of such a decision than from parents who have a vested interest in justifying their own decisions. I've met a few people who had been sent state while their siblings had been sent private and every single one of them, no matter how successful they turned out as adults, harboured deep-felt jealousy and resentment towards their parents for not giving them the same opportunities. Personally, I would never do it.

Put the equivalent you spend on DD2 (school and music) in a trust / account for DD1 for when she has finsished education. She can then spend the money on further education/ flat deposit - whatever she would like.
that is the only way to make it fair.

Agreed

However this seems kind of like punishing DD2 for having talents that wouldn't be best nurtured in the state school.

I understand why posters are getting excited about a post grade 8 diploma at the age of 10 but I think something is getting lost in translation here as it doesn't sound like OP is in the UK. An ARSM diploma is a level 4 qualification equivalent to the first year of an undergraduate degree.

I've sent one of my three to a private (Independent Grammar) school. The first two did fine in secondary, DD was doing okay where she was but didn't particularly enjoy it as she doesn't do well in big groups. We relocated and the choice was between being allocated a place wherever there was space (and the only school with space wasn't at all right for her) or paying for two years of private school.
Her older brothers understand the situation and aren't bothered at all.
You do what's right by each child with the knowledge and resources you have at the time.

I think being offered the opportunity at year 8 when she’s already settled in her current secondary school isn’t the same as being consulted at year 6.

No you are using the funds in the best way possible for each child.

Just to add a personal perspective, my sister went to private school whilst I stayed in mainstream school. I hate her for it….

I’m completely joking, I didn’t care then (12 and she was 7) and I don’t care now. We had completely different needs and her going to private school got her to the position I was in at mainstream school. You know your girls OP and you know what they need

This and be open and honest with them both about it that you are setting aside funds for DD1 for university.

DD2 has this opportunity because she has been offered a scholarship which is not just due to talent but presumably a lot of hard work and practice?
DD1 also has the opportunity but is choosing [at present] not to take it.

It sounds like you have made a sound choice - would you have the same worries if both the schools were state schools? Does it therefore come down to the fact that you are going to be paying for one child's education and not the other? Would you be concerned that at some point in the future the unfunded child will then feel hard done by? If this is the worry and you can afford it I suggest putting by the equivalent funds for her to have at some point in the future 18, 21, for a car, deposit on a home, etc) so she won't reflect that she was somehow disadvantaged. My mother was in a similar situation in that her brother was the only one of three to attend a private school and my mum feels he had an advantage over them in choice of career, opportunities etc. We can't know everything that will happen in the future, keep checking in with your daughter's re their choices and that will hopefully make them feel responsibility in their choice of education in the future.

We are not in the UK but dd2 got an LTCL in piano and ATCL in cello, both ABRSM.

There would be no worries if both were state schools.

@OhTediosity the ABRSM system is accessed all over the world so it could well be the same qualification. There aren't masses of kids at DD2's specialist school with ARSM diplomas at the age of 10, but I think there are some. She is not one of them - is taking one now at 15 - but cello and piano are two of the instruments where it would be normal to take them earlier.