For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

You sound like brilliant, responsible parents. You have sat down and assessed what will work for each child individually and cater for each one's needs. As you say, your older girl is doing well at her current school, has friends and is getting good marks, especially in science and moving her now would probably disrupt more than help her. Your younger child needs stretching in terms of her music, something the private school have picked up on and can offer her. So sounds like a good fit for her. And both kids seem happy with the situation. You older kid has the option to go, but probably doesn't want to so no resentment, You can always reassess after her GCSEs and send her there for sixth form.

I have done similar to you OP. I sent my DS1 and DS2 to the local public school and am now sending DS3 to private for the music opportunities that weren't available at the local public school. In my case I wouldn't have had the finances to send all three private, but also my older two were not musically inclined which is the big thing the public school was lacking.

Don't deprive your DD2 of this opportunity just because her sister is in a state school.

But equally, if you can afford to send them both, maybe ask your DD1 if she would like to go to private school.

DSis and I were in this situation - I went to a very selective state, she went private as she didn't get into the selective state and the other options locally weren't great.

It's been absolutely fine and there is no resentment either between us or to our parents for that decision. I didn't feel like I missed out on opportunities as a result of her going to a fee paying school - it was always explained to us that it was done to give us both the same level of education. We understood 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also came on to say definitely not - this caused real issues in our family - but it does sound like you've thought this through.
The only thing I'd think about is having quite a long period of time where DD1 can come back for that extra "investment", so if she's struggling in her career in her mid 20s you could pay for an additional qualification, for example. She may never need it but budget for something coming up you could financially support her with in the future.

Unless there are significant advantages to sending DD1 to a private school, you shouldn't do it just to be 'fair'. It sounds like it would be a big advantage to DD2 however, so do send her. If you feel you need to, you can make it up to DD1 when she goes to Uni.

Can you take both DDs to visit the private school so that DD1 has more of an idea of what the change would be like?

I have one in state and one in private, OP - they both started in the state comp, the younger one is now at specialist music school - so independent AND boarding. She is paid for by government MDS in the main, which took much of the affordability considerations out of the equation.

Both girls (17 and 15) are happy with the decision as they got what they wanted and what suits them - I actually spend more on the 17 year old. I do sometimes feel guilty when DD2 gets smaller class sizes and better sport, but DD1 is adamant she wouldn't have wanted to board anyway and is thriving where she is.

So I think you're doing the right thing - horses for courses. Reassess at 16 if DD1 wants to move and offer her tutoring if she wants it... DD1 has an expensive aerial dance habit that we're happy to fund given what the state spends on her sister!

Yes we are all going to visit the private school. DD1 had been in the school before for a science competition though.

Fine because you've offered to match it and she's said she's happy where she is. I wouldn't move a 14 year old unless they really wanted to, and private isn't always better for every child. Maybe tell her she's always welcome to change her mind and give her a free choice of private or state options for 6th form.

Whilst I think it's a good thing that you discussed with them, I don't think you can really put this on children to make these decisions.

It's a really difficult situation because as parents we all want to do the best thing for each child; but this could have a significant impact of them in the future.

I speak from the experience as my family went though this with me and my sister. Whilst there wasn't a music element, our parents chose to send me (the younger) to private school while my sister stayed at state school.

Our parents asked my sister how she felt, and there was a suggestion to move house to send us both to a different state school. However my sister didn't want to. She was settled where she was; she had friends; and she didn't want to switch schools at that point.

We're now in our 40s and my sister is still very bitter about this. She feels that I was given opportunities that she wasn't. My parents shrug this off as "well she was given the choice..." but I don't think you can put these kind of life-affecting decisions on a child.

If dd2 is destined for a career in music then I think you may be able to justify sending her to a music school, but honestly I would be very careful.

I wouldn’t change DD1 to a different school if she is thriving where she is, you would not even be considering it if it wasn’t for dd2.

You say you can afford it and are conscious of the financial disparity so maybe (without telling them) put money aside for a time when DD1 may need it or has an amazing opportunity that you can support and therefore level the playing field a bit.

YANBU, we have children in a similar set up, child at grammar is very happy and does not want to move, private school child equally thriving. I think just keep the conversation open and opportunities the same: eg your first child can move if she wants to, if there is something DD1 wants like a trip abroad, try to facilitate. Good luck 😊 (oh and I have family members who went to specialist schools for music and sports, I don’t think there’s any regrets and I wouldn’t hold one child back because the other is in state).

I sent my DD to private because it's what she needed. You pick the school for the child, treating everyone the same is actually sometimes unfair.

We know two families that have done this resilient older girl settled and happy in state things gone awry for younger ones socially educationally so moved the younger only to private.

Both the older ones now 18 are friends of dd1 and they are both absolutely fine with it and bear zero resentment. They fully understand the trajectory of the decision. Just anecdotal I know but just for reassurance.

It sounds like you are offering them different opportunities as they are different people. Not that you are offering one opportunity that is better than another

It sounds fair enough. Older siblings have natural advantages over younger ones so you're not favouring the younger one by sending them to private school, you're just evening the playing field a little. If the older one doesn't like that, tough.

It is not about money, it is about equality of support.

It doesn't end at school. You don't know if your eldest will need more financial support at University perhaps, say, because she chooses to study medicine for six years or ends up in an expensive place, or wants help funding a Masters. Or even after. DD is working in a low cost part of the country so, with some deposit help from us, has been able to buy a property. DS lives in an expensive area, where the same amount of help would not allow him get on the ladder. His career is still quite mobile so he is not bothered. We have offered to pay for driving lessons because we paid for his sister years ago, but he does not need to run a car. I am sure it will even up one day. They both know that we are there and that decisions are based on need not favouritism.

In addition if a child is happy, settled and thriving as a school you don't move them. Why would you take that risk? Paying for your second to get the attention she needs in order to thrive sounds fine.

DD1 not caring doesn't mean a no, though. If she was completely against the idea of changing schools she would say. It sounds like she is leaving it for you to decide. I understand your reasoning behind it, but siblings tend to be quite sensitive to being treated differently so this might come back to bite you one day. You could explain to her that she is naturally brighter than her sister, but what she might hear is "...but not important enough to spend money on".

I think you need to have another discussion with her.

Will you have to cut back in other areas e.g. holidays, days out to afford the private school fees (and all the costs relating to DD2's music)?

One thing that definitely will make DD1 envious is if she sees she is losing out to the advantage of her sister.

I think what you are proposing sounds ideal, provided both girls are happy with and understand the decisions too. You are lucky to have schools that suit both girls needs nearby and they are lucky to have parents to understand and be able to support their needs. I'd go ahead with it.

Keep her where she is if she’s happy. She may not settle at private. Just because it’s private does not mean it’s better, coming from a privately educated person. State schools have all the same opportunities I was afforded nowadays. If she’s happy, you’ve won the education lottery; don’t move her. 😍

My PILs did this and honestly... DH understands why but is a bit resentful. But every spare penny went on the school fees and , his brother unfortunately ended up a bit entitled and still lazy (which is why he didn't pass the 11+).

However... you will have money available for DD1. Your younger DD obviously works hard. If both girls ate happy, that is an i.lortant thing.

Maybe further down the line your older daughter may want a year abroad in the country of the language she is learning.

Fair doesn't mean doing the same. My sons didnt go the same school for different reasons but we've tried to even out opportunities.

We did the same. Son, very musically talented, went to a specialist music school (on a generous bursary), daughter went to local state school. It was what suited them both and they were happy with. They are equally academic.
They are now 23 (son) and 20 (daughter). Both well adjusted and are very close, with never any trace of resentment from my daughter. I might have made up for it a bit, financially, over the years, to her. But not that noticeably.