For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

But ironically I think a lot of private school educated people fail to see the advantage they were given. It's subtle things, even at the primary level, like being able to actually play sports rather than bench ball, having a school orchestra, having more confidence and better communication skills from the drama classes, introduction to science in a lab at an early age, introduction to latin and french and other languages at an early age, surrounded by well spoken people, much more attention in the staff ratios, parents of peers being successful and an inspiration/good influence. Certainly I've noticed this in peers- all things that you can't quite put your finger on. The thing is nobody can really know how they would have turned out following another route.

I would be but it feels unfair to dd2 as its not her fault state schools won't be able to nurture her talents

I definitely wouldn’t go down the saving the actual monetary amount but I would put some money aside in case DD1 needs some practical help in future for opportunities such as language exchanges, overseas science conventions etc.

So all good to send dd2 to the private?

Sorry OP but having been in the position where one sibling went private and I went state, I still very much resent that decision my parents made. I was happy at my state school - I knew no different at the time, but the private school offered very different opportunities to mine that I can see as an adult, you must see that if that were not the case your DD2 could just go to the state school.
As a minimum you need to put an equal amount into an account for her to access when she’s older, maybe a house deposit or higher education costs.

Given everything you’ve said, yes I think so.

it sounds like the two schools suit the two different girls best.

If you worry about the spending disparity- it’s possible that your dd1 with her academic interests may want to do further higher education so could you keep the money you aren’t spending on her now and support her through Masters and PhD education? Or to live in a foreign city to study her area of interest?

The thing is, dd2 will also need further education as a musician, so its kind of hard to be exactly fair.

I guess that’s always true unless you keep receipts for everything and save the exact amount of the difference and give it to the one who ‘gets’ less?

Don’t sweat it. As long as the parenting is equal- love, affection, celebration of achievement, support in difficult times, boundaries and rules- I don’t really see the problem.

I think your DH has a point. Do you think you have a golden child? Does DD1 think so?

Maybe a bit weird of me, and I know they are young but I would send an email to them both. Explaining the pros and cons. Summarising your discussions with them. Telling them you love them both and want the best for them and are happy to continue to be flexible according to their needs.

Just in case there is resentment in later life, they will see that you were doing your best. And making the best decision you could at the time.

Dd2 can pay for it herself, surely, as you’re funding private school?

Who in the world can pay for their own education these days?
Tuition fees ok - depending on countries there are loans. Even with a job a student can't really cover accommodation and living expenses fully, but in the case of a music student a good instrument will need to be purchased. Cellos of professional standard are upwards of 10K.
Fortunately it sounds like daughter is good enough to maybe get scholarships along the way.

Would you therefore spend more on your DD2‘s further education than DD1’s? And would that be justified?

And more importantly: Would your DD1 consider that to be justified when she’s 25? 35? 55? Potentially examining her childhood with a therapist and working through her upbringing?

Having parents that send you to private school, encourage a musical career, music lessons and pay for further education as a musician is a massive privilege and some people would even call it a luxury.

I strongly believe that your DD1 should be afforded the same privileges. Year abroad? Language school? University in an expensive country or city? Financial support for potentially long and expensive career choices (medicine or law would be the „classic“ ones where I‘m from)?

That absolutely needs to be covered.

And your DD1 needs to be told repeatedly and explicitly!) that there are essentially no financial constraints in regards to her education and career goals (as long as those are reasonable). And you need to ensure that you’ll have the funds to back that promise up even when you’re still supporting DD2‘s musical education / career.

If none of these apply you might want to set money aside to help DD1 set up her own business (in the future) or buy her own house. Even if you’d classify these things as wants instead of needs.

I will support both in education equally, in terms of the opportunities they will have and want. If dd1 chooses to study medicine, yes I will fund it like I will fund dd2's music higher education. As for university, if she manages to get in a university better than the one at our state, then yes I will fund it for her to study there. But the buying house for dd1 only seems like a stretch as dd2 can't help it that her talents and needs aren't nurtured by the state system while dd1's is.

This shows that any decision you make will stick with the child into adulthood so I would think long and hard, because it could lead to resentment in adult life.

Can you spend more one on one time?. Go out for a coffee or go shopping together. It doesn't have to be hobbies.

I also think it's important to think about how you talk about their hobbies. I remember it being mentioned a lot how clever and talented my brother was and I still resent it. I was clever too, just not Oxford level. And he did hobbies my parents were more interested in.

With the money, you need to be careful. Music is very expensive and doesn't usually lead to a well paid job. People are suggesting levelling up by giving daughter 1 more later on, but what would you do if daughter 1 is richer? Not sure what the answer is but it's tricky!!

@FlakySwan I think you are doing the only thing really possible in this situation. I would do exactly the same - the only difference for us is that DD2's music scholarship is funded by the UK government so I can justifiably call it a 'state place' even though it she attends an independent school - and because she boards I actually get more time with DD1 to do the things she cares about.

I was speaking to DD2 about the whole thing the other day and she said that it would have been a tremendous burden on her as well as on DD1 if DD1 had had to go without things because of her music, so I think it is worth thinking about that - but it sounds like this will not be the case in any way.

It is also very clear to both our girls that state is not in this case 'worse' than private. All the 'subtle improvements' people talk about in the private school seem nonsensical to us - there are smaller classes and results are good, but DD1 got all 7-9s in her state comprehensive school and knows she is looked on favourably because of where she got them. She has bundles of local friends, all the extra curricular she wants and was able to take triple science, Latin and take part in Saturday music.

DD2 does not get all those 'subtle benefits' of her private school- she is too busy practising! She doesn't do triple science (needs to practise) or debating (needs to play in orchestra) or really any sport other than what is prescribed (might hurt her fingers - also after years of state actually doesn't know the rules). Music at the level talked about here requires most of the time to go on that really, so the extras round the side don't really exist for her - most days she doesn't even get to go to lunch because she's in an ensemble so it's a packed sandwich just like it would be at home.

She also reckons a lot of the teaching is better in state and (because it is a big school) she found more people interested in reading books, seeing plays and all of that which the private school really doesn't go for.

DD1 and 2 have sibling rows of course - but mainly because DD1 is trying to revise and DD2 plays instruments all the time and gets fed up with the noise when she's home. Neither of them want the other's lives because both feel they've got the best of the bargain!

Just trying to give some idea of what this situation might look like a few years down the line. We reckon DD2 actually gave up a lot of good things by going private for music. She is lucky too - because it is the right place for her, but the difference in quality is not quite the way most posters here are suggesting... it's actually very finely balanced.

dd2's musician teachers are quite well paid! In my eyes dd1 is talented too just in different ways- but it is fair to say that I am more invested into dd2's music, as it often requires more parental involvement. I spend one on one time with both of them.

Personally I am actually more similar to dd1 -- I kind of feel bad for dd2, as I don't really understand what the positives of being so committed to music, but both DH and my dd2 are keen on it, so here we go.

@FlakySwan I kind of feel the same as you do (in fact neither me or DH are particularly musical) but DD2 seems to NEED to do it - so we facilitate it. I wish she was obsessed with plumbing, or physics or coding. But she is not. Her sister is better balanced.

I would like to know how your dd2 thinks about it really- as it will give me some insights to how my dd2 will feel in a few years time; we never pressure her towards doing music to a high level but there could be pressure from her music teachers etc. that we are not that aware of.

@FlakySwan the deciding was endless! DD2 was in Year 9 when she auditioned for specialist school - and only did so because her state school had stopped offering GCSE music as part of the timetable. She spent weeks vacillating, and wrote endless lists of pros and cons and we had to be very careful not to push her either way. Her music teachers were actually really good about it and listened to her but were not pushy...

She just loves being able to do music as much as she does, and loves the music-loving school cohort. She misses home (sometimes, not much) and the connection with local friends which is obviously now not as strong. She often feels the school should be 'better' academically because it is fee-paying and gets cross when it isn't. She really loves that practice is timetabled into her day so it just 'happens' and teachers don't get annoyed when she needs to do it.

Lots and lots of good things - some niggles, basically. She wouldn't switch back (she's going into sixth form next year so very much has the choice!)

We've made it clear we absolutely do not think she has to be a musician. She's become more aware of all the careers around music though - currently thinks she might want to work in events or running orchestras. If that makes her happy, we will be delighted- just as we are with her sister's current plan to study Adult Nursing, which is what she really wants to do despite plenty of raised eyebrows.

Good luck with your choice!

Right ---- I do have some concerns about whether dd2 is as keen into music as she lets on, as she pretty much envies her sister sometimes. I do worry about potential pressure from music teachers as they are really good musicians, but I also don't want her to waste her potential in it.

Let’s assume your DD1 will choose comparatively inexpensive further education.

Let’s say you end up spending 20x more on DD2‘s education than DD1‘s.

Do you think that’s fair?
Would your DD1 consider it fair?