For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

We will not have to cut back in other areas in any ways to afford DD2's music.

Let DD1 have a taster day at the private school - she will then be in a better position to make a decision

Both our children took the 11 plus and the exam for a selective independent. We made it clear they could only go private if they got a bursary. Dd got a bursary, as well as the option of two grammars, which were much further away than the private school, so she chose the independent. Ds didn't get an offer from the independent school, and only got one grammar offer, so he went there. I felt a bit sorry for him as he had a much longer journey, but we'd prepared him as well as we could for the independent school exam and he wasn't actually fussed about going there anyway, so I suspect he didn't perform at his best in the exam!

He's never expressed any sense of unfairness (they're both young adults now) but he does know they both had the same opportunities at the same point.

My parents sent one of us (out of five) to an independent school. They vaguely gave me the option but not the younger three - although two were able to apply to grammars and one got in. The three of us that didn't go to the grammar or independent did have a much worse education at our run-down, underfunded comp and we did sometimes resent the money that was being spent on the one sibling's education as it meant our mum was stressed out working as a supply teacher to pay for it! And we knew that those funds spent elsewhere would have potentially benefited everyone (holidays etc..).

I think your situation is more like the first example - except dd1 may wish that you'd offered her the private school in year 6, before she'd made friends and settled at the other secondary.

Your 10 year old daughter has a diploma in cello and piano?!! As in a post grade 8 qualification? Wow! That sounds like a rare talent with the potential to be a soloist. Is a music scholarship at a private school the best path for her? Shouldn’t you be considering a music specialist school for her, although that would probably mean boarding?

To answer your actual question, I think you need to visit the school with DD1 and weigh up the pros and cons. If the state school is the best fit for her, I would suggest you keep revisiting the idea with her over the years. Let her know that her talents lie elsewhere and you will do whatever it takes to nurture them, whether that is sending her to a fee paying school, paying for tuition, extra or supercurricular opportunities, a masters or higher degree etc so she knows that you aren’t favouring her sister.

As others have said, it's ensuring they're in the right environment for THEM that matters, and it sounds like you've chosen this very carefully. You're lucky to have the option to be able to go either private or state, but the main thing is that they're happy and thriving where they are. I went to both private and state schools, and there clearly are personalities that are better suited to either establishment, so there's no 'one size fits all' approach to this.

I went private and my sister went to a state school. It has honestly never ever caused any issues, nor did we ever speak about it! Those were just our schools, kids accept things , they probably aren’t even aware of the costs.
We both felt loved by our parents, we have a close family unit still. Ultimately we both got the same degree mark too!

I would invite DD1 to the Open Day but then let her decide.

She would be going as she has a scholarship. Did DD1 ever get offered one?

I have no advice, but I went to a selective state school and my younger sister and brother were educated privately for pretty much the same reasons you are considering private education for DD2.
I did OK, I don't think I would have done any better at private school; I was never jealous of my siblings and don't feel I missed out on anything. I had opportunities they didn't and vice versa.
Good luck with your decision.

DD1 never tried for a scholarship as when we were looking for high schools for her we never considered the private school.

My siblings and I were like your children in this situation. I (eldest) went to an academically selective high school, whereas my siblings went to the local private school, paid for by my parents. I never begrudged the difference- our schools suited each of us and our needs best, and that is what was important. I didn't see it as being treated differently, but both being seen as individuals. I do think it was important that I was already happy at my school, if I was unhappy I may have wanted the opportunity to move schools if my parents were considering funding private schooling.

I would also say that I never expected my parents to even things out financially between us based on what they spent on my sibling's education, as there is no sense of having a tally sheet on what was spent on each of us, they just used what they had to take care of each of us as we needed it.

And yet by sending the younger child to the state simply because it suited her sister, you are affording the older sibling better opportunities (the school that meets their needs) which will impact the younger child's life far more than what op is proposing.

Op you can afford to send them both to private and to pay for whatever activities they want. I think if older daughter knows this, and knows she's free to ask for the opportunity, then it's fine. You can do something to one just because you did it to the other. They're different people.

The private school has a lot of great musicians graduating and we don't have music specialist schools where we live! The strings program is also the best in our city!

I think most teenagers would be furious if their parents removed them from a school they were happy with, and had friends at, to send them to another school. So so long as she feels consulted, and is happy to stay, it shouldn't be an issue. But make it clear she can change her mind in the future (obvs not mid exams) and that she feels it is genuinely her choice. It could actually be good for the sisters to go to a different school so that one doesn't feel overshadowed/in competition with the other.

And she might go to Uni and cost you a fortune whereas other child may make a different choice. Or you'll pay for driving lessons and eldest will pass after 7 tests and younger will pass full time. As long as the options are available,I believe it's fine to do different

If DD1 is at all put out by the fact you are spending more money on DD2's education/musical interests, then put aside the equivalent amount into a savings account for DD1 to help with university fees.

This is textbook “equality vs equity”

i think you need to reframe your thinking & don’t put so much emphasis on the private school being so much “better”
The state school for Dd1 is fantastic for her. She’s thriving in that environment. You have given her the option to move & have the same opportunity, tell her that offer/option is open to her at any stage of her education.
congratulate dd2 on earning her place & tell her she has the option to opt back out to state school if she wishes.
The only “unfair” thing would be telling DD1 that you can’t afford for her to do something she really wants to because the money has gone on DD2 education.

My sister went to a local grammar school, I didn’t pass 11+ so went to a small private school. My sister is more academic than me, having the wider extra curricular offering at a private school suited me more. We’re in our 30’s now, we both believe our parents did the right thing for us at the time, my sister doesn’t resent the fact they spent money on my education and not hers, as she thrived at the grammar school.
As other posters have said, every child’s different, and you have to make the decision based on their individual needs.

Op I’ve been in your position. My girls went to a private primary school. The secondary school dd1 liked best was state. Her sister preferred a private secondary school. Dd1 knew that she could go to a private school, viewed them and still chose the school she liked best. Even in year 9 I gave her the opportunity to do her GCSEs in a private but she was happy where she was. Now she’s doing A levels she has chosen to go back to private. Dd1 has had access to all the opportunities she wanted to and has no problem with us spending more money on the school that best suited her sister.

The siblings I know who had similar situations have ended up as adults with very similar outcomes financially, career-wise etc, although in quite different fields since they are and were very different people.

I don't think this is a case of one having better opportunities than another: each has been found an environment in which they can thrive. Their parents have bothered to provide each of them with an education bespoke to them as individuals. It's clear they'll keep investing in them in other ways too. That's much better than just shoving both in private school and expecting the cost to translate to quality.

If she prefers to stay where she is, it would be pretty simple to automatically transfer an identical sum as is spent on DD2 into an account for DD so it can be spent on things specifically for her benefit as and when she wants them.

Well, if you have the discussions with DD1, the visit and you all feel she's better where she is, that seems fine.

I'm sure this doesn't apply to you as you sound invested in DD1, but just in case: What will make the difference is spending as much time with both DDs and their interests - sadly sometimes siblings of competitive youngsters have a lot less time invested in them and that can cause much more resentment than how much money is spent on them.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.
I send 2 children to private and 2 not. Dd2 is very dyslexic and she was moved to a private school ds followed her there due to my not being able to be 3 places within 30 mins. Dd2 was there 2 years ds 1 then we moved to a different area where they all went to state school.

Mine are adults now they have never minded who went private and who didn't.

Sil still begrudge she was not sent to private school. This is despite the grammar she went to was better than the local girls private school. She feels her parents didn't value her education. Ironically she later chose to send her younger son to private school while older was at state. Neither of her sons are bothered about they they were in the schools that suited their learning needs. They are early 30s now and doing well in their chosen careers.

I think the difference is when parents doesn't talk with their child about this. Explain why and how and ensure that there are other opportunities for the child not at private school. When that gets done there is little to no resentment.

Time spent with them is another thing I don't want to be unfair about, however DD2's music lessons, sometimes practices, and she is going for a high grade in music theory etc, most of these at her age still need a parent in attendance to ensure maximum progress. In contrary DD1's interest in science and reading for example, there is not much I can do with her. Of course we do spend family and one on one time together, but I feel like the time disparity is kind of indisputable given the circumstance.

I have seen this exact scenario play out and it will come up as an issue at some point.

I would set aside the money the equivalent difference for dd1 and offer her the opportunity to attend PS one last time.

It will become an issue regardless of how agreeable your dd1 is now if dd2 really excels as is likely in her new school. It might become a bone of contention, that’s not a reason to not go ahead with it, only to prepare yourself adequately. Maybe dd1 has her uni fees paid or a deposit for a property.

As long as it is fair - then dd1 should emerge happy with her decision and have some benefit too. I think she is too old to move and would worry about her socially and academically given she has started or is on the cusp of GCSES now.