For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

I think definitely give DD1 the choice and make it a real choice. So take her round the private school, maybe even let her do a taster day there. So she can make an informed decision if staying where she is is the right thing for her.

And it sounds like it would be fair to make some more money available to her for summer schools etc.

Also consider extra curricular activities afforded to children who attend private schools...state educated children just won't get the same kind of opportunities.

@FlakySwan sorry, cross posted with you there. Seriously impressive commitment there.

Imagine your sibling being afforded much better opportunities than you.

Which one is being offered better opportunities in this scenario? It seems like they’re both being offered the better opportunities for them? If DD1 is Oxbridge calibre, for example, she’ll have a better chance at a great state school than a not especially academic or prestigious private school.

YANBU. The two schools cater to different types of students. You shouldn't punish one child by making them go to a school that isn't the best fit for them.

Are there ways that DD1s interests can be supported at a higher level (if she wishes)? Like paying for a language holiday/camp? Since you can afford to pay for both children to go to private school, why not put the money you would have paid for DD1 to attend in a separate bank account and give it to her when she graduates, or put it towards new interests she may develop as she gets older.

My children attend selective state schools in Australia and this is a fairly standard setup. If siblings don’t get offered a place at a selective school they are sent to a private school. I’ve never heard of it causing jealousy. My DD wouldn’t have traded her selective school for any private school.

If DD1 is happy to continue where she is now, and DD2 wants to attend the private school then so long as you can afford it I would explain to both daughter's that I plan to allocate X amount each month for education/activities. Any money not needed now is put in savings for each daughter to use later on whether that be for uni, house deposit whether. This prevents any feeling of favouritism. I do a similar thing for my children re activities as eldest does a lot, some of which can involve nights away, equipment etc whilst the younger prefers just going to a local charity run youth group.

I pay for her to attend maths and physics summer school at a university, but really those don't cost nearly as much as dd2's private lesson, masterclasses, etc.

I would absolutely not do this. Private schools are not necessarily about the education, unfortunately they are about setting your child up with ‘contacts’. You will have two daughters with a radically different understanding of how the world should work, based off how their peer group operates. Siblings should be given the same opportunities. Most of my family is privately-educated, as am I, while a few of us are not. It has led to horrid, horrid arguments and life-long, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. It sounds like you are deciding how your younger daughter will fare before giving her a fair chance, and assuming your elder daughter will continue being academic. Don’t set them up against each other while they are still children.

That’s not actually true unless the school is in a sink school or in an area of deprivation. Well funded MC schools are not really an extra advantage in that sense.

For dd1 the private school would actually offer less in terms of her development academically, her co-curricular no difference.

My elder dd is at a private senior school, due to small class sizes and SEN. She loves it and is very happy. Her younger sister had the opportunity to go to the same school but made her choice to attend a good girls state senior school instead. She is happy and thriving and honestly think happier in the state than she would have been at a smaller private school.

I think you need to talk to both your daughters and see what their thoughts are. It’s unlikely your older one is going to want to leave friends and a school that she is happy in. You could always offer her private sixth form if you feel you need to redress the balance in the future.
There are lots of advantages for my state educated daughter compared with my private daughter. She has shorter days, more independence due to local friends. In contrast my private educated daughter has longer days, seeing friends requires planning as they live far away. So in my view there are pros and cons to both. Go with what works for each child.
Good luck!

I didn’t say she should pull DD1 out, I just said she should make it clear to DD1 it is an option. If DD1 is genuinely happy, settled and thriving at her school it’s unlikely she’s going to want to move. If DD1 did express she wanted to move then it would likely indicate that DD1 isn’t enjoying school as much as OP thinks. Having a conversation to say ‘DD2 is going to X school and we just want you to know that if you ever feel Y school is no longer right for you then X school is an option for you too’ is not the same as pulling her out. It’s fine to choose different things for different children but just because they make different choices shouldn’t mean they don’t, in theory, have the same options available to them. I’m not saying DD1 needs to move for it to be fair, she just needs to know that if she wanted to move it’s not completely off the table/ unaffordable for her.

Yes I have seen that too. Particularly when boys are prioritised.

I also disagree with the crowd. DD1 may not care now - but it could become a bone of contention in time. I would never treat my kids so differently. You could level up by putting aside the same in fees into an ISA/savings, so she has a house deposit, but then how much choice has DD2 got over where you spend that money? She might be pissed off about that. It’s fraught with the potential to really screw up the relationship.

My concern is that you are not choosing a very good private school at all, if it offers less academically and the same sports opportunities and facilities. It’s very likely to be at risk of closing down. I can’t imagine how it’s still even open today. The minimum it should offer is academic excellence and sporting and artistic opportunities. I would be looking elsewhere quite frankly.

Could you put some money aside to enable D1 to take advantage of an opportunity that suits her as and when the need arises? E.g. so she could afford to do an internship or travel abroad somewhere

I was the grammar school girl in this situation whilst my less academic sister went to private. I think you've gone about this in the right way but I thought it may be helpful to share my perspective.

I didn't resent my sister going to private, it was the right decision for us both. But I did resent the mindset of this decision and the knock on impacts for me. I felt that my parents did, and still do, see my sister as "needier" whereas they think of me as capable, therefore she gets more support. I am naturally more independent and academic but I also internalised this perception, so I wouldn't approach them for help because I feel I'm not supposed to, or will be refused. My parents have always been keen to stress how much they've given us both in life, and how many opportunities we've had compared to them growing up - this is true, and I'm grateful but it wasn't always equitable.

In practice, how this paned out during the school years is there was a hobby I didnt get to do and I never got to go on any overseas school trips. I honestly can't even remember if I asked, or if I just assumed because of other "we cant afford that" conversations, but I know the option wasn't there for me and I felt quite angry about that. I was also pressured to get a job as an older teen which was a struggle on top of trying to maintain grammar school expected grades and extra curricular (mostly volunteering) which I was told was needed to get ahead, so I felt a constant sense of not meeting the expected standard which still sits with me.

I really struggled financially at uni, which was of course partly down to my choice of course and location (although I dont think I fully understood that decision at 18). My parents did help me but nothing like the financial equivalent of my sisters schooling. Im in my 30s and unlikely to pay off my student debt anytime soon. My sister chose a subsidised course at a much cheaper location, so she had much lower costs, but she would never have got a place on the course without private school and considerable investment in tutors. The gifts my parents gave her have meant she was essentially able to pay off uni and buy a property in her 20s.

This is of course my personal circumstances but the point I want to make is these decisions can be far reaching. I think most importantly you need to keep the conversation with your older daughter OPEN. It shouldn't be a done deal just because she didn't want to move schools at 14. You need to keep talking to her and understanding what her needs are (even if she seems to be doing well) as she grows.

I think it’s fine. Your reasons for doing it are reasonable and fair. You’ve found the best school for each child. My sister did similar and the kids were and are happy with that.

I’d just keep tabs on DD1 and make sure she continues to be happy where she is and doesn’t want to change.

Sorry @flakyswan but LTCL and ATCL are Trinity College London qualifications, not ABRSM. Which is splitting hairs however, as they are regarded as equivalent Level 4 qualifications and an extraordinary achievement for a 10 year old, I would say virtually unheard of. For those on the thread who don't know so much about it, this is prodigy level.
As someone up-thread said, this is not a standard situation. Your daughter needs to be at a school that will nurture this talent. I'm guessing you're in Australia because you made a reference to kindy. The only specialist music schools in Oz are the Con High, Vic CofA Secondary, and Perth Mod. I quite understand if they are not suitable for you.
The private school is the ONLY reasonable alternative for your DD. I'm very professionally embedded in this world, and I urge you to go down that path for her.
Find other ways to do the best you possibly can for your other DD (sounds like you are) but recognise it is your responsibility to cater for DD2's exceptional talent.
Everyone here is worrying that DD1 will resent you, but if you go the state school route to even things out, it's DD2 who will resent you in the end (even if she doesn't know it now). It's going to be easier to make things fair for DD1 than it is for DD2. Because you can buy opportunities for DD1 but you can't buy equivalent opportunities for DD2.

It just offers less academically compared to the selective state dd1 goes to, it has a brilliant music program which really suits dd2.

My sister went to a private music school whereas I went to the local state secondary.

No hard feelings here at all!

She got brilliant opportunities that she wouldn’t have otherwise got (dyslexia and struggled academically)

But so did I, as I didn’t have the same academic struggles as her

Your elder daughter’s talents and interests lie in academia.
The younger’s are in music, and she is more average academically.

Whst isn’t in question is what is best for the younger child, but what is best/fairest for her big sister.

There’s a lot of posters making the assumption that private = better than state.

From your reference to kindy, I wonder whether you are not in the UK. If so, is the selective state school that your eldest goes to the equivalent to a UK grammar school (one where a small number of children are creamed off depending on performance in an exam aged 10)?

From an academic perspective, our local grammar is head and shoulders above our local private school. The private school has amazing facilities, and gives really good support for those who are less high-flying academically.

Therefore, if your elder daughter’s strengths and interests are in the academic, she may not be as well served in the private school - she may still be in top sets, but they may not be quite as academic as the environment she is thriving in.

I am not sure what private education offers her, except the knowledge that her parents are as willing to spend money on her as on her sister.

She already has this knowledge as you are offering her to opportunity to change schools and you are facilitating her to gain more knowledge of the school so she can make an informed choice.

You are making it clear that you would be happy to invest the same time and money into any interest she has as you do for her sister…it’s just that her interests don’t require so much money.

I am one of four. The eldest went to a good private school, the rest of us to state school (my sister and I to a grammar). I don’t think there has been a single moment than any of us have envied my big brother for the money spent on his education that wasn’t spent on us, or felt that it signified that my parents loved him more. We all went to the school that was right for us.

The thing that is important is to show that you care equally - you celebrate their successes equally, you console them for their disappointments and support them in their difficulties equally, you demonstrate that you understand them as individuals. This last point may well mean that you spend more money on one than the other.

I would say that you might want to make sure you have a plan for further education/training (for both girls). It may feel bitter if the elder sister has a difficult time accessing higher education for financial reasons, when ‘all the money’ has been spent on her sister at a younger age. However, I don’t agree that the equivalent should be put aside for her just to use as she wishes when she is an adult. That isn’t fair on the younger sister who can’t help that her needs aren’t catered for as well in the state system.

I guess what I am saying boils down to; make decisions that show an equitable support for both children. This may not be the same as equality in expenditure.

My brother was sent to an independent school and I went to a (selective) state school because those were the schools that best suited us. My Mum very occasionally lets on that she worries I might have found it unfair but it never crossed my mind. I did slightly better academically than him in the end. I think it's horses for courses as long as you are thinking about what is best for each child and supporting their wider interests equally. My own children are both state educated but I do shell out considerably more on extra curricular activities for one than the other because I'm focusing on facilitating their interests and development rather than offering balanced funding.