Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

What do you do?

You say to your son "You're stressed? I don’t care. It serves you right, even if you didn’t take it this time. This is what happens when you get a reputation for stealing other people's things. In future every time you take something that doesn’t belong to you, I will take away one of your belongings (and not give it back) or remove for at least a week privileges like watching tv or playing on your computer. It’s time you understood that actions have consequences."

You say to your husband "I’m sorry my son is a thief and I obviously haven’t done enough to stop him. I’m sorry I haven't been supporting you in trying to discipline him effectively. I understand how incredibly irritating it is for everybody else and in future I am going to take a much firmer line with him. (But please try to control your temper and not kick things.)"

So the only consequence he's ever had is he has to give back the item he stole. So he lost something that wasn't his in the first place. I'm glad he isn't stealing anymore from school but if he steals anything from anyone, he should have consequences in place including giving it back! Plus giving away one of his items. How would he like it when his items are being taken from him. It might help him learn quicker!

That isn't the bloody point! Yeah, I'm definitely with the husband.

Your child doesn’t hide stuff, he steals.
I’d be fuming too and I’d shout at him.
Because he’s a thief

He’s a thief and I would shout at him. I would also be removing one of his most treasured possessions EVERY TIME he stole something and wouldn’t be returning it any time soon.

Why on earth haven't there been any proper consequences for this appalling behaviour??

Another thing, you say you haven't had to take any of DS's toys/things yet? You do realise almost every other DP would have taken his things the first time this happened, don't you? How will he learn unless actions have consequences?

Maybe this is the wake up call your son needs to stop taking things. I don't condone your husband's behaviour but it sounds like he thoroughly fed up with your son's behaviour. Your son is 8 and taking other people's things! That's pretty unacceptable behaviour for that age!! He really needs dealt with properly over his behaviour which it doesn't seem like your willing to do. Step up and put a stop to your son's behaviour because it will only escalate.

Wow, this is exactly why children are so badly behaved today and out of control - parents making poor and pathetic excuses. You say he's still learning about impulse control- that is terrible to even attempt to excuse that. He's 8. I have an 8yo. There is no way that he doesn't know that stealing is wrong.
Your dh didn't handle this well, but I can imagine having this a theme and a mother who
Plays this down is what results when the other overreacts.

Don't bother with the 'oh, you were worried about Daddy vaping, weren't you? See, it's your fault for vaping, my poor baby only wanted to help'.

That would imply he didn't want his half siblings to go out and have a nice time/you to leave the house when he steals and hides the keys and for the TV to be switched off or over from something he wants to watch when the remote controls...ah. It's how he controls people.

He's stopped stealing other people's things because he gets into trouble (or at least has learned how to deny it better and feign distress at the fact of being asked where their money/toys/etc have gone), but he can still control the household by messing around with other people's stuff, specially when Mummy then gives him all the attention instead of Daddy getting to go out with the older kids to have a nice time. And, of course, will have a stash of other people's property.

@TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 No, that wasn’t the reason he stopped stealing from school as none of his peers know about this. Just us and his teacher/head teacher. So clearly, what I done did work. Clearly it hasn’t worked at home as husband treats it like a joke until he decides not to. Looks like a case of an adult sending mixed messages to a child.

You say to your husband "I’m sorry my son is a thief

our son - unless I have missed it, it is THEIR son

As if.

Your son has a history of stealing things. You need to crack down because very soon he will be able to be arrested for that.

Nailed It

@MyGreenCat

Youre really intent on blaming your husband aren’t you?! He is not the one stealing. Your son is. Your son is 8 year olds so teaching him some accountability for himself and his behaviour and it’s consequences is really crucial.

Oh, OK, I must have been misremembering.

No. Shouting and kicking things is emotionally abusive.

OP, are you tired of your husband and his behaviour?
He sounds tedious and it sounds as if you have the Ick.

I think it is very strange that his father never spends 1 on 1 with him.
Poor child.
No 1 on 1, so what exactly is the quality level of interactions between father and son?
I would be concerned about your child and his emotions and yanbu to be pissed off that his father has little self regulation.

Your husband is the problem here, not least for vaping around children. Does he often overreact, shout and kick things? I would struggle to move past this.

@LuckySantangelo35 To see if it is maybe a mental health disorder that is causing him to steal. He likes to keep everything he comes across. He even once asked to keep one of his finger nails that broke off, only once but it definitely caused me to wonder if there could be another reason for this other than him just plain stealing. He likes to keep other meaningless things but I could be here forever explaining it all. FYI, I obviously binned the nail.

I just wonder why he is stealing things. Is it because he gets attention, even negative? Is he generally ignored when he is being good?

@rainfallpurevividcat I spend a decent amount of time with him doing one to one things so definitely a lot of positive attention from me. His dad doesn’t spend much one to one time with him. If he is on his pc, our son will speak to him and he will often ignore him if he is concentrating.

I would try suggesting your husband spends more time with him on his own, and that positive behaviour receives praise.

OP; why do you give your little monster a free pass to fuck up other peoples day?

I'm wondering if your softly, softly approach, anger towards your husband and decision to involve the GP is because you think your son has a wider emotional problem and this is connected to his relationship with his dad. You said your husband doesn't spend any 1-1 time with him and has found him taking things to be funny. I think you also mentioned he more often took his dad's things. So, yes, there could be an element of him having learned when younger that this was a way to get Dad's attention and felt he couldn't get this in other ways. However, I think at 8 yrs you can still have very firm consequences for stealing, whilst also looking at other needs for support he might have. I'd suggest:

• you and husband agree on clear rule that taking other people's things is not allowed without asking them and communicate this to him together. If he does this he'll lose pocket money/ screen time - whatever works. It doesn't matter whether or not he gives them back if he's broken the basic rule. This is administered in a way with minimum fuss and attention gain and he needs to know that you will search his room if things go missing
• your husband agrees never to laugh about the stealing again and you agree to always back each other up around the issue.
• your husband gives serious thought to how he provides your son with positive attention and starts to regularly spend some quality time with him
• maybe also ask teachers how he is at school and if they have any more general concerns

That's good that the stealing has stopped outside of home and hopefully as he matures further you'll be able to turn this around.

He sounds shit, frankly

Do you really want to be with him?