Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

A calm discussion, with no blame. Which doesn’t ‘stress’ the poor love in any way.

Well, yes, if I was using my phone inappropriately at work then they'd get banned from being allowed out in certain environments

People can't resist using phones during theatre shows etc so venues now have started locking phones in special bags to prevent their use

You go to prison and you get your phone removed

Actions have consequences and removing devices from a child is a common punishment

I really don’t understand this. It IS, and SHOULD be, stressful being caught out behaving badly. As other posters have pointed out, in a couple of years he will be criminally responsible for his behaviour. It’ll be much more stressful being interrogated by the police, no?
Kids NEVER being under “stress” or in uncomfortable situations has created a generation of kids with no accountability or resilience unfortunately.

Yes, I know.

Absolute utter bullshit. An 8 year old can and will have impulse control.

The excuses you’re making are ridiculous.

oh dear lord, I can't believe the number of people saying that as a parent you shouldn't even express disappointment with your child because it will scare them. Becoming dysregulated, expressing emotions, handling things badly - these things are not abuse, and they are things that every parent on the planet has done at some point to a greater or lesser degree. It's important for children to have feelings in response to their own actions and their parent's reactions - it's how a conscience is formed and maintained. If the kid doesn't feel bad, they will keep doing whatever they want to over and over again and not care about anyone else. It's also important for kids to see that parents have emotions, so they know that they have an impact on others too and that we are all human. The important bit is how it's all dealt with afterwards - can there be conversations, give and take, apologies for any less than ideal parental behaviour, an acknowledgement of the child's feelings. These are the things that help a child grow and develop resilience and self esteem. Protecting a child from ever being upset, ashamed, sad, angry is likely to lead to a range of developmental difficulties including anxiety, entitlement, and even narcissism. If parents are having strong feelings but try to hide them, the kids will pick up on it anyway, they are remarkable sensitive to unspoken atmospheres. It's much less frightening to know in an age appropriate way what the feelings are and why the parents are feeling them. Having difficult experiences, including difficult interactions with our loved ones, is basically what life involves and learning how to name, understand and deal with those in childhood in a loving, but imperfect, family is a good start in life.

@SwingTheMonkey

but what if he is to blame?

great post 👏

Who could possibly argue with this?!

I was being sarcastic.

Probably op .

OP and the poster who keeps making out we can't call a thief a thief