Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

Any adult expressing disappointment or anger (even without shouting) is scary to a child....

So someone who takes things that don't belong to them home from school and shops isn't a thief??

OP, I suspect there is more to all this than, understandably, you have felt able to share on a public forum. I wonder how well your blended family works and if there are any issues re. how your husband divides his time and affection between your son and his older children. You seem to feel concerned about your husband's parenting, and that might be leading you to be protective and overly accommodating with your son. You are certainly not on the same page as your husband which, as you say, ends up with mixed messages. Your son seems to have been troubled for some time. Would family therapy or a parenting group be helpful? I found it really helpful to do the Webster-Stratton Incredible Years parenting course. It gave me time to reflect on my parenting and how it was affected by baggage from my own childhood. The local health visitors/ school nurse / GP could point you in the right direction. You originally asked what you should do now. Perhaps a serious conversation with your husband about why you reacted so strongly to his behaviour in the hotel room, why he got so angry and how you can pull together to provide your son with firm boundaries, love and support?

100% this. Lets stop making excuses for someone who should know better at his age.

"son seem to have been troubled for some time ... concerned about your H's parenting so over protective of your son". He is 8 and needs protecting. The H is an adult putting vapes on beds when he "knows" the son takes/loses things and then kicks off when he could just have opened a new vape. I think the OP is probs trying her best. I think the H should not be putting vapes anywhere that a child could access. My father used to get angry when I was a child. It was scary. I read many books to escape in my mind. I hope OP finds a way through this and wish her well.

He is a child engaging in a behaviour. The behaviour involves taking things. You could call it stealing but the main question is ‘why?’. He was born doing this. So what is going wrong for him that he’s not yet learned not to.

What were you like at 8? Were you perfectly formed? No behaviours that needed guidance?

You are clearly not a child development expert. Are you even a parent? Any experience of working with children closely?

When your main caregiver loses control and is shouting and kicking things it’s abuse. If this happens often enough the child will be at significant risk of poor outcomes in terms of mental health and other things.

One of the top schools in the area …

I presume they didn’t steal at home or from shops but thought it hilarious to do it as a wind up at school. So not quite the same scenario as OP’sDS, but still theft.

I’m surprised at posts which think it’s ok for teen girls to take their sister or DM’s expensive cosmetics etc - I consider that theft. So it appears to go on quite a lot !

for those claiming he isn't a thief. He is 8, within 18 months-ish he will be 10 and of age to be found criminally responsible.

this isn't something you play with or wait for them to grow out of, if he steals the wrong thing he'll end up with a record.

Yes I am a parent who isn’t raising a thief, actually. I’m so glad that you’re around saying “behaviour is communication” and excusing theft because a child is trying to “communicate” something. I bet your kids are a delight at school too.

Define ‘a thief’.

My point is that this is a child that needs support to learn. Not vilifying and an angry abusive man let off the hook.

My DC do fine thanks. Have a good moral compass.

It’s not helpful to label a child in a pejorative way. It’s more helpful to understand what has gone wrong and what is needed. In this case parents that put boundaries in, in consistent ways and don’t get abusive.

Sure.. i mean, it's pretty self explanatory, but if picking up a dictionary is beyond you.. here. the definition of a thief.

thief - thief (noun) · thieves (plural noun)
a person who steals another person's property, especially by stealth and without using force or threat of violence:

it’s not pejorative to call someone who steals a thief.

'Look, we have no way of knowing whether you committed this crime, but you've done things like this before and that's a good enough excuse to go through with this miscarriage of justice. It's your own fault really.'

I hope to God, @BeADinosaur, that you're never called up for jury service.

So your son steals things? What are the consequences for this? If he's 8 he must know it's wrong. Telling him he wouldn't be in trouble if he had is just condoning his behaviour.

I can understand why your DH is upset - yes he shouldn't have kicked stuff but you should have backed him up not pandered to you son who has form for being a thief

taking things is a normal childhood behaviour and we need help to learn

It really isn’t, and certainly not at age 8.

So you've not found he's stolen from shop/school - he could have. But it doesn't make it any better than he now only steals from family and friends. It's still stealing

You are incredibly rude. You are being judgemental about an 8 year old child yet feel totally ok with being rude and sarcastic. He’s 8. What’s your excuse?

Ah but that's not what you said initially

You said getting angry enough to be scary. But for a child even just a disappointed sigh can be scary...

It is during toddler years before they understand mine and yours. This boy has not yet learned not to. The question the adults around him need to ask, because it is their responsibility to shape his behaviour, is why and what is needed.

Thanks.

We can't call a thief a thief in case it hurts their feelings

Got it

Well

You did ask...