Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

You really are firmly holding the belief that it's all dhs fault, and not DSs fault for the actual thievery or yours for the never telling him off, and look at just now! DH actually tells him off your behaviour, comforting ds and giving your husband the silent treatment for telling him off! Ridiculous!

Not RTFT, so apologies if duplicate, but did he not see this situation as a sign that he should stop vaping?

Your son is a thief .

You what?

I don't think most people would be making different personal choices because they got frustrated at living with a persistent thief.

I'm not surprised your DH lost his shit.

Discipline your son for god's sake, it is not working if he is still doing it. Sharp wake up call needed, he hasn't been shouted at enough. 'Calmly asking him where it is' what a joke.

Op the reason your son will have stopped doing this is at school is probably from the social consequences of being labelled the class thief, he'll have quickly learned that whenever anything was misplaced he'll have been the one everyone looked at. Being labelled a thief will have impacted his friendships and relationships with his teachers.

Ordinarily I'd say your husband losing it isn't great but in this case it won't hurt your son to see parents are human too and to stop this weird as fuck behaviour.

It could be an indication of kleptomania, which is a mental health disorder.

You need to sort the stealing out and then the shouting would stop.

The fact that he keeps stealing means any punishments, talks or whatever you are doing isn't working. As above, take something of his. He continually steals (stop saying hides) items belonging to other people. Time he learned how that feels. Your child is a thief and you need to help him stop.

Your son is a Kleptomaniac, and i don't think your way of dealing with it is appropriate.

I am not a shouty parent, but i do have ASD/ADHD and if there is one thing guaranteed to push me into meltdown it's people hiding/taking my stuff.. its what bullies do to upset you, and i can feel myself getting upset just putting myself in your DH's position.

Your child has a problem, and waiting for him to 'grow out of it' while expecting everyone else to be nice about it is bullshit.

I'm surprised no one has lost thier shit at your son before now. There is nothing worse than having to turn the house upside down to find something when you are trying to leave on time.

This should have been a turning point for your DS, instead he has learned that he can manipulate his mum by saying he's stressed. You need to get on top of this with him OP, he's 8 for goodness sake.

Your husband lost it once. I never shouted at my DC (adults now) but just reading threads on here shows me even the most patient DP can lapse occasionally.
What I don't understand is your reaction. You seem intent on minimising DS's behaviour. He is a thief, regardless of who he is taking it from and for how long. How can you be so sure he's stopped elsewhere?
SiL is like you. DN was never had consequences. He didn't even need to come up with an excuse, she did it for him. Everything was minimised or someone else's fault. DN is now in prison for theft.

What? He's an adult he can vape if he wants to.

Yeah, this. This is not normal at 8 years old. Son should know not to do it, and when confronted with it, shouldn't continue to be so bloody annoying.

Your DH shouldn't have shouted, but I think it would take the patience of a saint not to at this point, to be honest.

If he was my son, I'd do the same to him. 'Hide' some of his things. See how he likes it. Help him learn how it feels. None of this softly softly approach. It's clearly not working!
And maybe your DH losing it at him will also make him realise his thieving his got to stop. I don't understand this gentle approach. What's wrong with a parent occasionally shouting at their child if it is deserved?

Jeez, if my children had been in the habit of taking and hiding other people's personal items at that age (or any age really) I would have absolutely read the riot act to them and come down like a ton of bricks!

Your DH's behaviour was far from ideal, but not exactly without provocation. I can see where it came from.

Please sort your son out now, as we will all end up paying the price of you don't.

@MyGreenCat

out of interest Op, what were you hoping the GP could do about your sons stealing?

@OfficerChurlish

why? He is an adult so can vape all he wants.

Good grief. I had to reread the OP as I assumed the post must be about a toddler. Eight is far too old for stealing, hiding and lying about other people’s stuff. I would have gone completely ballistic and the kid would quickly learn what shouting really is! Saying he’s ‘stressed’ by being shouted at? Then stop stealing, you manipulative little git! Once I’d calmed down, I’d be taking his stuff so he could see what it feels like. It’s crazy that you think that just because you’ve managed to retrieve your own belongings as he’s ’not good at hiding them’ means you can’t punish him. Of course you can - and should! It is completely unacceptable behaviour.

Honestly? I think this a lesson for you as well as your son. You say you don’t shout at your son like that somehow makes you a superior parent, but you’re not. You’re not disciplining him, so you’re breeding his behaviour.
Im with your DH in this, he’s had enough. It’s time you started actually discipline your son, I would say both you and your DS are to blame for your husband automatically accusing him.
OP, he’s 8! This behaviour should have been dealt with long ago!

I am not a shouty parent, but i do have ASD/ADHD and if there is one thing guaranteed to push me into meltdown it's people hiding/taking my stuff.. its what bullies do to upset you, and i can feel myself getting upset just putting myself in your DH's position.

This. My mother used to take my things (and often break them) as a way of control/punishment for such crimes as not siding with her against my dad. Despite loads of therapy I still panic when I can't find things.

One of my dc had a friend who sounds similar. He is banned from our house after he "hid" something hugely important to dc1 (given to him by my dad just before he died). Yes, his parents returned it with a half arsed apology but he was old enough to know better in the first place. That's also why he's a past tense friend. Dc1 is generous to a fault but couldnt understand why a friend would take something so important to him but worthless to anyone else. It's a small village and now he's banned from most of his peers houses because he's a thief. However according to his mum, we're horrible mean bullies.

His peers know he takes things so their parents will know he takes things.
Does he get invited to many parties?

No wonder the husband is sick of it. I'd be shouting, too. It's not a crime. Maybe the kid will cop on to his behavior having consequences.