Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

sounds like the 8 year old having trouble adjusting to/feeling secure in a blended family unit to me. I think you both need to look beyond the hiding stuff - to why he is doing it and that is not something that will come out if the adult continues to have a tantrum rather than addressing the root cause

So clearly we all have a different meaning of being in trouble. In our home, we mean he won’t get shouted at etc. He gets told off, we explain to him that’s it’s not okay to take things that aren’t his. Shouting at children just stresses them out and doesn’t solve anything. He gets disciplined. No, me saying that our son wouldn’t get in trouble wasn’t what caused my husband’s reaction. He also told our son at the start that he wouldn’t be in trouble, again we clearly do it differently to some people. Son has done this since he was about three. He has taken toys etc from nursery and school. Every single time, I made him take them back and return them to the teacher so he knew what it felt like having to hand them back. He has mostly outgrown this. He also took a you form the shop when he was around 5. I made him take it back to the shop and return it. Husband still laughs about it and says I wouldn’t have take him back to the shop with it, that would be embarrassing. I told him, no we have to teach him it’s not okay to do that. School have helped with him taking things from there. GP wasn’t much help and said he would outgrow it, which he is, slowly.

I second this, I'd be pissed off if my things kept on going missing and agree that as he has done this repeatedly, hed be getting in trouble for it.

strongly disagree with losing control though, and kicking stuff - that's too far and unnecessary when a calm telling off would express the same sentiment x

So clearly we all have a different meaning of being in trouble. In our home, we mean he won’t get shouted at etc. He gets told off, we explain to him that’s it’s not okay to take things that aren’t his. Shouting at children just stresses them out and doesn’t solve anything. He gets disciplined.

That's really confusing. If you told me I wouldn't be in trouble for something and then I was disciplined, I'd never trust you saying that again.

Discovering that people get angry when you fuck with their stuff is at least a bit less confusing.

As the adult in the situation, you hubby didn't mange his emotions well. No need tonic things etc I would be really annoyed with my hubby if he did that. And for that an apology is necessary. But you cant make him apologise. The 'hiding' issue is another issue which does need addressing for sure. Your husband behaved poorly. When my DH behaves poorly and doesn't take accountability, I wont be around him, I take myself away

to kick things

Even the best natured person can occasionally lose it. And if your son keeps taking things then even the most patient parent will sometimes behave out of character. Perhaps your son will now understand that he is winding others up.

I'm not sure your gentle approach is working OP. Maybe try toughening up how you deal with your son hiding things. It's not ok to keep to doing this!
Not great that your DH shouted but can't say I blame him. Your DS will be ok. Maybe he'll even stop hiding stuff as a result of being shouted out.

Your approach isn’t working is it, op.

Your child has now found out that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Not before time.

"He gets told off, we explain to him that’s it’s not okay to take things that aren’t his"

Doesn't sound like this is working too well. Your son sounds super annoying. I would shout too.

Maybe if you’d have shouted at him the first time, he’d have stopped.

Whatever you’re doing hasn’t really worked. I’d be absolutely fed up of it too

A vape is missing in a home where there are 3 young children, it was left on the bed in reach of a child who takes things that are not his. I'd be more worried about where the vape is and be working on finding this at this stage.

Your child is 8 - stealing things is not a normal rite of passage for kids. You are behaving like it's something all kids do and grow out of. I'd be bloody furious if a child had form for taking things like phones and remote controls, and all his mother did was explain calmly he wasn't to do it again and he wasn't in trouble. Why do you think he does it?

Grown men can 'lose it' but 8 yo children need to behave.

Got it.

Not great from Dh but I'd too get pissed off after having things constantly hidden. How old is DS

To put it bluntly your son is a thief and I'm not surprised your partner finally lost it and started shouting.

Your son is not far off the age of criminal responsibility - are you going to deal with his stealing properly before then?

Your son has to stop stealing things.

If he's still doing it in Year 5, he's past the age of criminal responsibility.

If he's still doing it in secondary, he's going to get more than shouted at by other kids and quite likely permanently excluded if he's going for staff or school property.

Nobody is going to care if he holds his head saying people are stressing him out then.

He needs to be in trouble because your fannying around the issue isn't working - it's just lucky he chose something toxic and addictive for a child this time and not the passports and boarding passes stored on somebody's phone.

No one's provoking the 8 year old to steal though are they? No one has endless patience.

Hiding things at 8 isn't okay and there may need to be consequences for this but they should be calmly explained and clear. A fully grown man shouting and kicking things is scary and not okay as a reaction, regardless of the reason.

Can't you just talk to them normally?

Your son is getting to an age where if he keeps stealing other people’s belongings, he’s going to experience more than being shouted at. His peers aren’t going to calmly ask him where their stuff is or tell him they won’t be upset if he tells the truth - they’re just going to thump him. If his dad getting to the end of his tether and shouting is what scares him enough to realise it’s not cute or funny any more, that’s better for him.

How long ago did this happen, @MyGreenCat? Have you been giving DH the silent treatment for a few hours, a day, two days? It sounds as though you've kept it up through packing, travelling home and unpacking. That must have been a nice trip 😒

By your own account, your husband's usual response to your son's kleptomania is near saintly. He shouldn't have lost his rag this loudly when it finally broke him. You won't talk to him about this. You all sound as dysfunctional as hell.

Do you think a sustained atmosphere of hostility between you is less stressful to your 8-year-old son than a few minutes of shouting? And why are you so laid back about the child's theft habit? He meets the definition of kleptomania, an impulse control disorder often linked to unmet emotional needs.

I recommend resuming meaningful conversations with DH and taking a good look into yourself, tbh. I hope the outburst was enough to make DS give up his nasty little habit but, if not, family therapy would seem advisable.

I presume he didn’t take the vape but got shouted at anyway

Yes he moves things around but maybe he didn’t do this
How many more children were there? Could one of them moved it knowing you would blame him

Or maybe it got wedged in the sheets?

I have had things disappear
They turn up later. No one moves them

If you only focus on your 8 year old as the one to move things and he does decide to not do that anymore but still gets shouted at the moment anyone can’t find anything, he is just going to carry on

This thread is an indication of why some children are appalling in school, their poor behaviour is never challenged seriously and no-one is allowed to shout at them, enhance encouraging the said behaviour.

Talking to him normally clearly hasn't worked has it?