Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

You and your husband need to be on the same page with this. It's no use your DH laughing when your child steals something. Equally, it's hopeless if you just wring your hands and witter ineffectually about it.

Your son needs firm consequences from both of you, or he'll end up in prison when he's an adult.

The more you write OP the more sorry I feel for your son, your husband sounds just horrible. It feels like the stealing is probably your child’s attempt at gaining his attention. I had a father like he does and I did things that would be considered naughty or problematic as a young child because I was so desperate for his attention, even if that was negative attention.
I hope things are able to get better for you both.

You're determined for this to be your husband's fault, aren't you?

Your gentle tactics to deal with this horrible behaviour by your DS clearly aren't working, so you're going to have to try a different approach.

This is exactly what I would have done, it should have been nipped in the bud the first or second time it happened.

My DD took her older sisters headphones and put them under her bed, my older DD tore the house apart looking for them but we hadn't even thought to ask younger DD (she was 3) I found them a while later when tidying and when I asked younger DD why she had them she just said she liked them and wanted them. She was very firmly told not to take anything that's not hers again, I told her how upset her sister was and that it's not nice to take other people's things. She apologised to older sister and has never done anything like that again. Had she done it again I would have taken something of hers away regardless of whether she gave the stolen thing back and she would have been in a LOT of trouble.

Pretty much an entire generation of us grew up with little attention from one or both parents and managed not to steal other people's things.
Probably because if we were caught stealing the consequences would have been a lot tougher than dad shouting and kicking something.
Whilst your husband's reaction wasn't ideal I think your reaction is worse- why on earth did you tell him he 'obviously wouldn't be in trouble '?
He very obviously should have been in big trouble, he is known for taking things so it is a repeated bad behaviour and yet the minute he told you he was getting stressed you jumped in to defend him from the consequences of his behaviour.
You need to get a grip on this now, in the blink of an eye your 8 year old will be a teenager and his 'hiding things' will most likely end up with him causing trouble in the community and/or a stint at His Majesty's pleasure. Don't be that parent.

Sorry op, but his toys/stuff would be taken. Natural consequences.
A 4 year old knows this, so an 8 year would know not to do this.
i think he knows you won’t tell him off. Now he’s seen that you will take his side over dads.

My god OP, your parenting of this child is atrocious.

You have neglected to teach your child boundaries and that it’s wrong to steal. Notice how I’m not saying you haven’t told him not to steal….Im saying you haven’t taught him not to do it.

You say you discipline but clearly whatever you’re doing does not work. The child repeatedly steals items, do not use the euphemism of ‘hiding or moving around’. Said child does this at home and at school.

I feel very sorry for this child. The least of their problems, is their father telling them off in a stern manner. The problem is with you. You fail to see a child crying out for the safety of boundaries. This is why they are upping the ante by stealing a vape. A vape! An 8 yr old with a vape. You lie about what he is doing, fail to instil boundaries and lay the blame with others. open your eyes woman!

How much worse does this need to become before you wake up and realise that your child stealing….. is a message to you that he is struggling. He will continue to push and push the boundaries of what he can steal and from whom, until it lands him in serious trouble.

Why on earth would you not prevent that?? That’s your job as a parent.

Get your arse in gear and parent that child before they become involved with SS. Shouting at him because it stresses him out will be the least of his and your problems then!

And before you complain that the child may not have stolen the vape, perhaps your motherly duty tonight should be to tell the fable of the boy that cried wolf, as his bedtime story.

If it’s not normal to steal at 8 plus, my DSs must have been in a very unusual school as both had quite a few things disappear over the years. At one point I think I was supplying half the class with pens. Water bottles were taken - for a laugh, apparently- but never resurfaced. PE kit was taken out of bags.

I think quite a few kids, well into teens, take stuff that doesn’t belong to them. There are threads on here about sibling ‘borrowing’ - without permission, which is - theft.

So OP does need to address this, I agree - and I would be tough. But I don’t think it’s that unusual.

I'm not making an excuse for stealing things. But his behaviour is communicating something is wrong.

And if your parents gave you very little attention other than when you were naughty, might you not want to do better? We can surely do a lot better than either not talking to your kids or giving them a good hiding. A lot of Gen X grew up with self-esteem and confidence issues due to the standard shit parenting of the 1970s and 1980s and dealt with it through drink or drugs.

Kids acting up as they get no attention otherwise is absolutely classic, it's parenting 101 to praise them when they are good. As soon as parents start to give them positive attention they learn that being good is a better choice. His dad should not be on the computer all the time and ignoring him when it's family time. Perhaps he has checked out of being a parent.

I can’t believe you’re still pushing all the blame onto your husband. You are absolutely deluded about your son’s behaviour. Good luck, that’s all I can say! You’re going to need it!!

These responses are nuts.

The husband is an angry aggressive bully who vapes around his kids.

The 8 year old may well be entirely innocent.

So you think an 8yo repeatedly stealing from home, school and shops is normal and shouldn't be reprimanded?

If I’ve understood right, the child’s taking things and hiding them is laughed about by the father? In which case he is getting mixed messages. One time it makes dad laugh. The other times he loses his shit and is scary. The problem here is the grown man having a tantrum leading to a child feeling scared.

@Dramatic you certainly suit your username.

I didn't say that. I said in this case, the 8 year old may be innocent.

What about the father who thinks it's ok to ignore his child, shout and kick things?

Well in the 'updates' he's laughing, and it's all his fault of course....

Why thank you

It's a case of the boy who cried wolf isn't it, of course he's going to be blamed if it's a regular ongoing behaviour. If he doesn't like being blamed for things going missing then he should stop stealing.

I do, when it’s done repeatedly despite the child having been told specifically not to do it. Your DC must have been at a terrible school if this was accepted as normal.

This sounds like he has hoarding tendencies, and might grow up to be a hoarder if he doesn't get some help. In tests, hoarders have been shown to have different brain activity when shown pictures of objects. What you wrote above is key info for your GP. I'm no doctor, but I'd imagine that therapy exercises might be to do with helping him get rid of things he doesn't need.

Do you think maybe your husband also lost his temper through frustration at you refusing to parent your child?
Your child is heading towards being one of those teenagers where the parents are dumbfounded at their behaviour and don’t understand what has gone wrong.

Because he owns a vape he vapes around the child?

Where has he bullied his THIEF son?

Kicking items in anger is not ok. He could have easily left the vape in the restaurant.

However it does sound like your son needs more help than what you both are giving him op and I do think that you need outside help. Maybe go back to the GP or talk with the school. The Hoarding and Stealing are signs that maybe he needs more help and support than just being told off. I would not be waiting for him to grow out of it eventually.

Also you and your dh need to be on the same page with this. Your dh laughing and joking about it is not helpful. I would not take the fact that he no longer does it at school or the shops as a sign that your techniques are working. You are burrowing your head in the sand op if you believe that and in the long run that is harmful to your son.

When a parent loses their temper to the extent that they are scary it’s abuse. No ifs ands or buts. It’s abuse.

I can’t believe the vitriolic language some people are using about and 8 year old here. He is a CHILD. Yes he needs help to learn that it’s not ok but taking things is a normal childhood behaviour and we need help to learn. This child has not had what he needs to learn yet. He is not a monster or a ‘thief’ he is a child that needs support to learn. The only monster here is the big scary man losing his shit in front of a child. It’s abuse.

So, if I am understanding correctly, your son is 8. He has a history of hiding things. Your H put his vape on a bed then started kicking off on the family holiday when a new vape was available to him. It sounds quite scary for the 8 year old (and the other children) tbh. If an 8 year old has a history of hiding things, I would not be placing a thing you value (your H's vape) on a bed easily accessible to the 8 year old. My child is now an adult with a successful job but was prone to losing things as a child. I could have accused them of hiding things but they was just losing them. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful when another school jumper went missing and I did have conversations with them. If I'm honest, I'd have been more worried that an adult parent didn't put a vape out of reach from a child who might mimic sucking on a vape at age 8. If the 8 year old is definitely hiding things, the answer is to try and figure out why in my view, not punish them. Hope you manage to resolve this for your family

Absolutely