Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

It is when they are 8. What 8 year old is perfect? Most kids have one or two difficult behaviours that need shaping at different stages. It’s the adults responsibility to work out how.

I mean, you have someone who constantly takes and hides things, for years. Something is then taken and hidden.

Is your reaction genuinely going to be 'oh my gosh, who could have possibly done this? I have absolutely no frame of reference to make an educated guess! Complete mystery.'

Or would it be closer to 'Look Stealing McHiding Face, the vape is gone and your track record is doing you no favours. Where is it?'

I think I would be an excellent juror. Or judge. Or ruler of the world in general.

I absolutely never advocate shouting at children however….everyone has a limit. Sometimes on holiday our emotions are heightened and to be fair, if my child was doing this, I’d probably have a breaking point too.

It’s not my place to tell you how to parent OP, god knows I’m nowhere near perfect, but have you put in some serious consequences for this stealing in the past? Sometimes it’s not enough to just wait for a child to grow out of something, they need to have a proper consequence and then they can make the choice if the action is worth the consequence.

I’m so glad I know few people in real life that communicate like you do.

I'm glad I know so few people IRL who think it's ok to let a child continually steal things because we might upset their feelings to call them what they are

This was a one off though, the dad is obviously not doing this all the time he's got to the end of his tether with it, everyone has a limit

There is normal childhood behaviour and there's extreme behaviour that's beyond the norm. This childs behaviour is definitely beyond the realms of normal. My step daughter is 9, she lies a lot, lying is a normal childhood behaviour but her lies have got more frequent, more elaborate and are quite frankly dangerous, again it's out of the realms of normal childhood behaviour

Ask stupid questions, you'll get a sarcastic response.

So a late teen who steals, it’s because their parent has not yet shaped them not to?

What a lot of self-indulgent twaddle. Either the kid has major issues or he’s been majorly spoilt.

That is not what I have said.

The inconsistency in your husband's reaction to your son's stealing/hiding things is part of the problem. He's only bothered when it's his things that go missing, otherwise he finds it funny.

You say that your son may be attention seeking as his dad does't spend any time with him. Why doesn't your DH spend any time with his son? This definitely sounds like part of the problem. Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

Your way obviously isn't working is it? It is not normal for a child that age to be stealing and hiding things

It is definitely at least partly her husband's fault as when her son does this to other people, his dad just finds it funny. It's only when it's his stuff going missing that he gets angry.

I don't think its entirely Dads fault for finding it funny up to a point.

Our kids all do things we know are wrong, that we find amusing, and laugh about with our friends, but still have to teach the child that actually it isn't ok.

my dd went through a phase of taking food that wasn't hers, or at times it wasn't appropriate (like in the middle of the night) at the time it was annoying and upsetting, and i dealt with her firmly and she stopped doing it within a month.

but yes, i did chuckle about her antics and ingenuity of the things she did to GET to the food with my friends and family, sometimes in her ear shot.. it NEVER changed how i handled her though, or the message i taught her about her behaviour not being ok.

As for the OP.s H saying he wouldn't have returned the thing the kid took from the shop when he was 5, how many threads have you seen on here over the years (i've been here for 18 under different names, trust me its a few) where parents have found stuff their kids have nicked/stashed in the pushchair and been told not to bother taking it back by other posters?

How do we know it's a one off behaviour from the H? I agree parents can get upset and nobody's perfect, but OP said there was another vape available and that the H, having left a vape on a bed accessible to an 8 year old, refused the new vape to angrily have a go at the 8 year old. The OP tried to reassure the 8 year old so it seems to me the OP was either astounded by this one off behaviour of the H (in which case, she would want to reassure the child) or was used to the H going off on one (in which case, she'd want to reassure the child). The child is eight. Eight. Being angrily shouted at isn't going to help an 8 year old. Well that's what I think anyway. I was 8 about 50 years ago. I still recall parental anger and I never did anything wrong, in fact tried to please them but it never worked. I'd like this 8 year old in the post not to have the experience I did. He is not a thief, as some have alleged. He is 8 and sbouting at him is not likely to help anyone in the family. I hope this all gets sorted out

@Contrastinggrassstates

he is abusive because he shouted.

So what is his punishment?
You don't shout in case it stresses him out.
You don't remove his devices?
What do you do when he steals things?

I can! I had a parent talking about how he’s supposed to manage his dc’s expectations because he didn’t get picked (random selection, cracking kid, but so are the other 90 that applied for 40 places). Mate, you’re the parent!

Do you have a young child you shout at - if so, I am sorry for you both.
When you do something wrong or inadvisable, should someone take your mobile away as a punishment (as you imply should happen to the child)? Presumably you think that is a reasonable thing to do from your comments. I am sorry to repeat myself but we are talking about an 8 year old and the OP even suggested some element of concern about her H shouting as the son. The child is 8.

No wonder there are so many poorly behaved children these days. When having a parent shout at you or removing a child’s entertainment as a punishment is deemed unacceptable and even ‘abusive’.

Getting so dysregulated that you shout and kick things leaving a child saying they are stressed us abusive. There is a massive power imbalance and when those that are our care takers leave us feeling scared it’s damaging. So as a one off not too bad but over and over, extremely harmful. The behaviour is abusive. Yes.

Shouting isn’t great but fairly normal once in a while. Losing your temper and continuing to shout and kicking something is frightening, particularly for a child. Done over and over it is hugely damaging.

There’s no evidence whatsoever that this is done ‘over and over’ in op’s case.

What do you suggest?