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Original poster

Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

311 replies

MyGreenCat · 21/10/2024 20:02

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 22/10/2024 08:49

“An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control.”

No wonder he’s a pain, he’s experienced absolutely no consequence to his rude and annoying behaviour. He’s 8. He shouldn’t need to be told twice. Your husband’s reaction was an overreaction but your child is badly behaved and you excuse it as “poor impulse control.”

Motomum23 · 22/10/2024 08:50

I don't know what's worse. Your 8 year old stealing things or your dh who is stupid enough to leave a vape laying around in reach of an 8 year old. ... the yelling and kicking things is just ridiculous.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/10/2024 08:50

@NeverDropYourMooncup ah but that's clearly the fault (somehow) of the step children!

Eleven681 · 22/10/2024 08:53

Penguinmouse · 22/10/2024 08:49

“An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control.”

No wonder he’s a pain, he’s experienced absolutely no consequence to his rude and annoying behaviour. He’s 8. He shouldn’t need to be told twice. Your husband’s reaction was an overreaction but your child is badly behaved and you excuse it as “poor impulse control.”

Yes, this permissive parenting is going to cause nothing but trouble when these children become adults.

Gimmeabreak2025 · 22/10/2024 09:01

I don’t know why you say he obviously wouldn’t be in trouble if he had moved it… he’s not a toddler and if he moved it there should be consequences otherwise he’ll never stop.

MissyB1 · 22/10/2024 09:05

GanninHyem · 22/10/2024 07:32

God everything about this is terrible.
Leaving a vape laying around where children could easily use it.
Getting aggressive over what sounds like frequent behaviour from your child.
The wishy washy "we've dealt with this since he was 3" attitude around discipline that clearly isn't working.
And an 8 year old who is a kleptomaniac and isn't being dealt with.
It's like shit parenting bingo.

Yes yes to all of this! It is a total shit show indeed!

MrMucker · 22/10/2024 09:07

I'm just intrigued at the oblivion, that someone so into gentle parenting would take their small child to the GP because they keep nicking stuff.

coffeesaveslives · 22/10/2024 09:13

Sounds like your child needed a good bollocking tbh.

He's eight - more than old enough to know better and if he starts behaving that way at school, he could find himself getting suspended (or even excluded) for theft.

Take him to the GP indeed - he needs a telling off, not a medical intervention 🙈

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:14

Gimmeabreak2025 · 22/10/2024 09:01

I don’t know why you say he obviously wouldn’t be in trouble if he had moved it… he’s not a toddler and if he moved it there should be consequences otherwise he’ll never stop.

Because initially keeping calm and saying that was the best way to get him to return it if he had indeed hid it somewhere else in the room. Ranting and raving certainly didn’t help. And as they later searched the room from top to bottom, it looks like he hadn’t even taken the vape.

BalletCat · 22/10/2024 09:14

I've never heard someone say anything year old doesn't have impulse control as an excuse for stealing before

MissUltraViolet · 22/10/2024 09:14

I think it's a bit mad you have started a thread ripping into your DH for his behaviour one evening instead of seeking advice about your sons behaviour for the past 4ish years, he should be your focus.

You're not helping anyone in your household by trying to pretend this is a normal 'impulse control' issue that most kids go through, because they don't and it isn't.

SockPlant · 22/10/2024 09:16

OP you need to get on top of this now before your child is the one at school who is left out for being a liar (moving things and not owning up is lying)

Your husband needs to learn a bit of anger control but tbh if your son sees the consequences of his actions now and again, that is good because you are clearly doing nothing at all to help anyone.

Vape missing - it's a non event. But phone, keys, wallet? can be a serious issue.

Ivehearditbothways · 22/10/2024 09:18

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:14

Because initially keeping calm and saying that was the best way to get him to return it if he had indeed hid it somewhere else in the room. Ranting and raving certainly didn’t help. And as they later searched the room from top to bottom, it looks like he hadn’t even taken the vape.

Show quote history

I wonder if they checked the kid’s pockets or suitcase? Or if the kid was walking around the room while then looked, moving it to an already searched location. It didn’t just disappear and the child with a history of stealing and hiding his dad’s belongings was standing right there. We don’t need Poirot for this one.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 22/10/2024 09:18

I might be in the minority op but I'd say that your husband would piss me off a bit

If he was running my child down to his mates, and laughing at him, that would be an absolute no from me

LIZS · 22/10/2024 09:19

He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. or school take a tougher line. Maybe he took it this time, maybe not but his previous behaviour is causing him to be blamed more readily. He thinks it is all a game, standing there and claiming the resulting furore stresses him out. Is that a behaviour learned from you? How do you react to your dh frustration? Is he the father of your ds!

Dramatic · 22/10/2024 09:21

Motomum23 · 22/10/2024 08:50

I don't know what's worse. Your 8 year old stealing things or your dh who is stupid enough to leave a vape laying around in reach of an 8 year old. ... the yelling and kicking things is just ridiculous.

You should be able to leave things around with an 8 year old and they should know not to touch it. 8 is not a toddler. My 8yo could easily reach the knife block for example but by that age they absolutely know not to touch sharp knives.

Dramatic · 22/10/2024 09:23

coffeesaveslives · 22/10/2024 09:13

Sounds like your child needed a good bollocking tbh.

He's eight - more than old enough to know better and if he starts behaving that way at school, he could find himself getting suspended (or even excluded) for theft.

Take him to the GP indeed - he needs a telling off, not a medical intervention 🙈

The problem is now the 8yo has seen his mother take his side and his dad has been given the silent treatment and been told how unacceptable he was for daring to challenge the child.

Snorlaxo · 22/10/2024 09:23

An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control.

Most aren’t stealing other family member’s stuff because they know how they’d feel if their stuff disappeared. You should have higher expectations of your son. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for him to stop. A teenager isn’t going to care about being” told off but not shouted at “ as much as a primary school child.

Plus… it’s a vape. Aren’t you concerned that Ds targetted the vape because he might want to try the vape? My kids have admitted trying their dad’s vape when he left them in the car to get something from the shop. (They were older than 8) and once he’s at secondary then you’d have no clue if he was doing it in shops or other people’s houses until the police are called on him.

Jifmicroliquid · 22/10/2024 09:25

What is going on with parenting nowadays??
An 8 year old child should not be stealing things for fun. This should have been nipped in the bud by now. And if it wasn’t him, well his past behaviour means that all fingers are going to point at him. So a good life lesson.
Please parents your child properly, this ‘gentle’ nonsense is getting ridiculous.

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:28

Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them

Don't blame them for your child's behaviour.

It’s not them but it is the DH. The child is definitely getting mixed messages. Sounds like the DH has previously treated the DC’s behaviour as a bit of a laugh; one of his quirky little ways to be shared with friends. It’s actually not helping and meanwhile OP is the one who has taken the behaviour seriously.

The DH’s behaviour has gone from one extreme to the other so no wonder OP is upset.

wombat15 · 22/10/2024 09:30

I think that shouting at a thief is a pretty normal reaction. Your child is 8 and unless has special needs they know what they are doing is wrong and I don't feel sorry for them for being shouted at. It's quite ironic that you say it doesn't work given nothing you are doing is helping either.

DoIWantTo · 22/10/2024 09:30

So your son is a thief that has been stealing for years, you refuse to discipline him for it and you’re wondering if your DH having finally reached his limit and snapped is the problem here…? No, anyone would snap after years and years of someone stealing from them.

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:31

Ivehearditbothways · 22/10/2024 09:18

I wonder if they checked the kid’s pockets or suitcase? Or if the kid was walking around the room while then looked, moving it to an already searched location. It didn’t just disappear and the child with a history of stealing and hiding his dad’s belongings was standing right there. We don’t need Poirot for this one.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh yeah, he’d be able to do that in a small hotel room with at least 2, possibly 4 adults present!!

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:34

Vape missing - it's a non event. But phone, keys, wallet? can be a serious issue.

And yet it’s the vape that the DH has taken seriously. All the other things were a bit of a laugh!

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 22/10/2024 09:39

CecilyP · 22/10/2024 09:34

Vape missing - it's a non event. But phone, keys, wallet? can be a serious issue.

And yet it’s the vape that the DH has taken seriously. All the other things were a bit of a laugh!

Vaping is far more dangerous than the other thing tbh. Keys, phone, wallet etc won’t harm a child but a vape could - the fumes aren’t healthy and the liquid can be toxic.

Given OP seems convinced her child can’t help himself, maybe her DH thought the poor child would be unable to stop himself digesting the liquid.