Page 4 | Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

MyGreenCat · 2024-10-21T19:02:40+00:00

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 22/10/2024 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lololulu · 22/10/2024 07:30

Well he will be blamed for everything that goes missing from now on and it's his own fault.

lololulu · 22/10/2024 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The kid probably took that too!!

GanninHyem · 22/10/2024 07:32

God everything about this is terrible.
Leaving a vape laying around where children could easily use it.
Getting aggressive over what sounds like frequent behaviour from your child.
The wishy washy "we've dealt with this since he was 3" attitude around discipline that clearly isn't working.
And an 8 year old who is a kleptomaniac and isn't being dealt with.
It's like shit parenting bingo.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/10/2024 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gosh what an imaginative and not at all pass-remarkable post...
The dh was understandably pissed off at the 8 yo yet again being given a let off for the thievery!

Edingril · 22/10/2024 07:50

GanninHyem · 22/10/2024 07:32

God everything about this is terrible.
Leaving a vape laying around where children could easily use it.
Getting aggressive over what sounds like frequent behaviour from your child.
The wishy washy "we've dealt with this since he was 3" attitude around discipline that clearly isn't working.
And an 8 year old who is a kleptomaniac and isn't being dealt with.
It's like shit parenting bingo.

This sums it up

cookiebee · 22/10/2024 07:51

Your kids a thief and will grow up into an undisciplined little shit if you don’t keep him in check, we will all be able to remember kids like that from when we were children, they are awful to be around when you are in school and if they don’t get called out, they don’t change. Any manipulative behaviour that you see as minor because they are a child will grow with them and at one end they will be dishonest and disliked as adults or on the other end they will be criminals. All problematic adults start out like this as kids.

Also I don’t blame your partner for losing his rag, he has had enough, you need to both be getting angry at the kid, together! Your partner didn’t hurt you, he’s just pissed off and rightly so. Also I’ve seen the way you are giving the silent treatment to him described on here as emotional abuse when directed at a woman from a man. So not only are you showing your son he can steal from his dad, you are also saying you will back your son up when he does, he won’t get in trouble, but your husband will, and emotionally abused at that!

rwalker · 22/10/2024 07:55

Echoing other DH reaction not great but you can totally see why it’s come to that
everyone has there limit and it sounds like you DH has reached it

I’d struggle with the 8 year olds behaviour

Anywherebuthere · 22/10/2024 07:56

Your DH should have tried to stay calm but its understandable given your sons previous record of hiding/stealing people's things which he doesn't seem to get in trouble for (obviously).

CheekySwan · 22/10/2024 08:03

Were your step children there also? Was it definitely your son that moved it?

Whatever happened to the vape your DH should not have reacted like that at all, you can't scream at an 8yr old boy and start kicking stuff about, thats abuse.

Did you find it?

Concretejungle1 · 22/10/2024 08:04

Sorry op but a small child i can understand, but he is 8. I think i would now be fed up if my stuff was constantly going missing.
maybe he shouldn’t have shouted, maybe he’s just at the end of his tether.
i’d be having harsher consequences as things clearly aren’t working if he’s still doing it.
I’d worry he’d do it to the wrong person ( or at school) and really be in trouble/or be hurt.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/10/2024 08:09

strange behaviour for an 8 year old and I’d have been pissed off too. Sounds like you’re too soft with him.

RedHelenB · 22/10/2024 08:20

BeADinosaur · 21/10/2024 20:06

Shouting and kicking things isn't great.

However if my kid kept hiding my phone, money and other things and refusing to say where it was I'd get pretty sick of it pretty quickly.

If your son didn't move it, he can't really complain that he is accused of it as his previous behaviour has led people to mistrust him. A form of 'the boy who cried wolf'.

This.

Original poster

MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

OP posts:

SophiaJ8 · 22/10/2024 08:24

An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it.

Why do you keep writing as if a kid (constantly!) stealing is a normal part of growing up? It really isn’t. This isn’t ‘impulse control’ it’s something else

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 22/10/2024 08:26

I cannot believe you took your child to GP because they steal things! You know that you are the parents?

SophiaJ8 · 22/10/2024 08:28

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 22/10/2024 08:26

I cannot believe you took your child to GP because they steal things! You know that you are the parents?

Can you imagine how it went?

My kid keeps stealing, can you help doc?

Well, what happens when you tell him off, does he not understand, is it a processing issue?

Oh no, we don’t tell him off as it stresses him out.

Riiiiiight.

SunnieShine · 22/10/2024 08:28

You're lucky he didn't strangle the little shit.

Owly11 · 22/10/2024 08:31

It's clear that your son is number one in your life, that you are not able to ever feel angry with him and expect everyone else not to get angry with him either. However as you are finding out, other people are and will get extremely furious with your son for stealing things. The same is happening on this thread - everyone is telling you that your son's behaviour is not ok but you are fixating on your husband. You can't control how others respond to your son but you can change how you respond to your son, and for his sake, you really need to change your approach.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/10/2024 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Can you please explain what you mean when you use the phrase 'to paddy'?

CheekySwan · 22/10/2024 08:37

MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

So it's feasible to think that possibly one of the step children could have took it if they have vaped in the past? I think this was totally out of order. Yes your son has a history of this but as you said there has been some improvements.

Your husband needs to calm his shit down and deal with it a different way, and should not be openly talking about it to other people and laughing about it because it's sending mixed messages

And for everyone who is calling your son a little shit, shame on them - i hope they have all raised perfect little angels and were perfect little angels themselves

Dontlletmedownbruce · 22/10/2024 08:39

If this was a one off, dh couldn't find something and had a tantrum then I would agree 100%. Adults need to show example and we all lose things sometimes. However he wasn't wrong to accuse DS so that part is fair enough. Losing his temper and shouting is something I'd find hard to forgive if it were a one off but it's not. Yes he should have handled it better but honestly your handling of it was so off. You were on holiday, surely no pool / ice cream until it's returned is an obvious threat. You reassured a child it's ok to steal and hide things without consequence. You say at 8 he is still unable to control impulses well that is BS unless there is a psychological issue. I work with 4 yr olds and this would be unacceptable behaviour. I think you need professional help for your DS, this sounds like much more serious than hiding Dad's vape.

Completelyjo · 22/10/2024 08:42

Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it

It is absolutely not normal for an 8 year old to constantly steal things, they are more than old enough to control that.

BalletCat · 22/10/2024 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🙄

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2024 08:45

MyGreenCat · 22/10/2024 08:21

@CheekySwan

Stepchildren are 17 & 19 and have both vaped. Unsure if one of them still does. We couldn’t find the vape anywhere, not in suitcases, bags, under bedsheets, under bed or bins. No where to be found when we checked out. We let the receptionist know and they would pass it onto housekeeping but said, if we couldn’t find it in the room, then it’s probably not there as there are not many places you can put something in the hotel room without finding it. Exactly, these comments excusing a grown adults reaction, when he has previously acted like this before is shocking. An 8 year old is still learning how to manage impulse control. Yes, it might start around 4, but still hard for an 8 year old to manage. Even teenagers still struggle and have difficulty with it. Scaring a child into doing something is unacceptable. It’s 100% unacceptable to steal things. He has stopped stealing things from school so clearly what I have been doing is working. He still does it at home so still working on that. Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

Don't blame them for your child's behaviour.

You're on the way to being one of those idiots who says 'oh, no, not my baby boy-boy, he was just sad and moved things he found' when you've got the contents of seven jewellers, nine range rovers and three and a half kilos of ammunition stashed in the garage.