Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

@Yalta oh give Over, he's not just 'moving' things he's TAKING them..
Do you think shoplifters are just moving things from inside the shop to outside?

So he will be in trouble, just won't be shouted at?

Perhaps reassess your definition of "in trouble". At school he won't be shouted at (hopefully) but he absolutely will be in trouble for hiding other people's things.

And you still don't know if he did move/steal your husband's vape. Perhaps work that mystery out first.

Is husband your son's father?

It was described as hiding things, as opposed to stealing things

He isn't slowly outgrowing it though is he? It's been 5 years!

You're raising a kleptomaniac. You're also potentially raising a a child who will become and extremely controlling man. Can you imagine when he's old enough to date and hes hiding his girlfriend's phone and money. Fucks sake op, I don't even know where to start.

Finally someone has shown your son how bloody annoying his behaviour is.

What consequences beyond a gentle talking to, does he normally get?

so your son has been a thief for at least 5 years and you still think the gently gently approach is appropriate?

Sounds like your son walks all over you.

"Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out."
He has definitely learned how to manipulate you.

Surely you should want to know if your 8 year old has a vape? Beside the fact hiding stuff sounds infuriating.

What do you do ? Stop being so soft on your son . Also your husband was right . Why should he just open a new one when there is one open already but missing ?? Heavens above .

If he starts taking mobile phones and money belonging to other children at school, do you think they, their parents and the school will see it as “hiding”, or stealing?

OP, taking things like money and mobile phones is serious and you need to drill it into DS that if he gets a reputation for stealing now, that’s going to follow him for years. He’s not a toddler, people aren’t going to dismiss it as not knowing any better anymore. Word will get around and there won’t be any invitations for playdates or parties, because who wants a thief in their house and around their things? He’ll always be the first suspected when something goes missing, even when it wasn’t him. And people definitely won’t think well of you, as his parent, if you try to wave it off as just a silly little hiding game.

The number of times you have said 'moved' in your op is nuts.

He's stealing from his own family and he's eight. You are talking about him like he's a toddler.

I can't imagine not being able to put something down in my own home for years.

Little kleptomaniac kid and OP enables it by using terms such as "hiding" and "moving"

No discipline? What's the repercussions for the child when he takes other people's things and refuses to return them.

Does the child not get enough attention and this is the only way to get it?

Was he also “hiding” the stuff he took from school and the shop?

The consequences you've imposed for your child stealing aren't anywhere near strong enough, which is why he's done it again and again. The consequences need to be much more unpleasant other wise its worth it for the child to risk it for the reward of taking things that don't belong to them.

I agree with every word of this. Why are you putting up with this behaviour?

Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out

He shouldn’t hide/steal things then should he? How would he feel if someone hid his things? Stop pandering to an 8 year old for goodness sake.

While your DH’s behaviour wasn’t appropriate I can understand his frustration and you saying I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it however, you KNOW your son does this so why did you defend him? You said earlier he hides your things too. Personally, I wouldn’t have put up with this.

While I will never agree with kicking things etc you need to nip your sons behaviour in the bud. What are you going to do when he’s ‘hiding/stealing’ things when he’s 14/15/16?

Yeah, the flexibility of word choice, combined with the obvious directions OP's sympathy lies, is making me question exactly what the "kicking" was. In that context it's easy to read it as the DH violently booting a random object to visibly redirect and display his aggression, as a demonstration of his anger and power. But with this OP, it could mean that while searching the room, he moved the carrier bag with his foot a little roughly, to see if the vape was in there. Or anything in-between.

YABU. You undermine your husband and pander to your 8 year old who is STEALING! He should be getting “stressed out” when he’s been caught red handed! Might teach him not to do it in future!!

Why do you think your husband should have opened up a new vape OP? @MyGreenCat

When you say:
He gets told off, we explain to him that’s it’s not okay to take things that aren’t his.
It reminds me of that cartoon of the dog and the owner (the Far Side probably), except that in this case it's you with a speech bubble saying, 'Oscar, it's not OK to take things because that can make people feel sad and then ...'
and your son is hearing:
'Blah blah blah blah take blah blah'.
and completely ignoring you.

I think you need to do more than just talk. He needs a clear consequence.

@MyGreenCat your hubby's behaviour was not good but to be honest, I would be totally pissed off if my 8 year old son thinks it is totally fine to be stealing and hiding things!!! he knows it is wrong so why does he keep doing it? what punishment is he getting when he does it? does he think it is funny? remember, he is getting closer and closer to the criminal age and what happens then???

Did the vape get found and if so where ?

I take a slightly different view. Yeah your hubbys reaction wasn’t great but:

1. You admit your son has a history of taking things but don’t think he did here (without proof) and instead of asking him you made excuses about maybe your hubby moved it.
2. You don’t seem to talk about where it ultimately was……
3. You clearly see your husband is upset and you let your kid off of any responsibility.
4. You carried an annoyed feeling home from holiday and you don’t want to speak to him.

What do you do? Suck it up as it’s a minor thing. Stop making excuses for your son. Realise you aren’t helping your child by not confronting him and making him accountable for his actions.

You are telling your son he can do what he wants without consequences, annoy his father and when his father reacts you will take his side. And carry this feeling for days and show your son your husband is wrong for his reaction rather than the potential theft. Think about your child in the world at work and then consider what you want to teach him.

I feel so sorry for the older kids in this scenario who have to come and spend some of their time living with a child who’s a thief and an adult who enables them. I hope your husband ensures their stuff is protected from him.

Sorry yeah, just to be clear, that’s what you do when children aren’t stealing.