Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

it is clear that the DHs tantrum was over the top, but possibly understandable if it is just one in a long line of such incidents. He needs to learn a bit more self-control.

He also needs not to leave a vape lying around where a child can get at it.

DS needs to learn that he cannot take people's things. In our house the consequence would be taking one of his things. And to keep doing that while reinforcing the message that we don't touch people's things without asking. Ever.

OP needs to learn that her words are meaningless and her dear darling son is learning nothing at all from her. He may possibly be learning "if i touch dad's stuff he shouts and stresses me" and maybe that might lead to him leaving dad's stuff alone. I would hope that dad and son can work out better ways of communicating with each other.

OP is now giving husband the silent treatment? that is also abusive.

all 3 need to sit down together, when all are calm, and talk about this. About actions and consequences. and the parents need to learn how to react to incidents, and let one parent handle the situation and only intervene when it is required.

Having an addictive substance stolen from you will enrage you. It's normal behaviour.

I am an ex smoker/vaper so understand the feeling when your nicotine is lost/taken from you.

Have you ever tried to hide an alcoholics drink? We're they nice about it?

None of it is a "bit of a laugh"

What a strange turn of phrase for an 8 year old... !

Your son needs a damn good telling off. It may be an unpopular opinion but the softly approach has not worked.

But it looks like the first time he has challenged the boy and his behaviour was extreme. All previous incidents have been treated as a joke!

Yikes OP.

In my house if someone hides something they get tickled until they crack and confess!

Unless we are in a super big hurry in which case we say “look, in a big rush kid, no time for games - bring the thing out of its hiding place, we won’t look where you hid it, and we can play this game later.”

And that’s that.

Your dh sounds like he’s got a screw loose tbh.

No of course it’s not! My post was reflecting the DH’s attitude!

You don't know if the child has been told it's a bit of a joke or whether the dad has just been venting to friends about it and it has led to laughter because it sounds more like the latter to me.

A screw loose? For losing his temper with a thieving child? I'd say thats a normal reaction for someone who's had enough after years of stealing.

This is different though, that sounds like a game that all the family are in on. This kid is stealing things from school and other people.

I know what I read which was;

Doesn’t help when your husband tells family/friends when our son does this and laughs to them about it. I ask him not to but just says, son don’t care if he tells them.

which sounds like he’s telling them as an amusing anecdote. And in front of the child too. If he had been expressing a serious worry, it would be odd for friends and family to be laughing.

@Dramatic No, he WAS stealing things from school. I made him return the items every single time he done it. Same with the toy he stole from the shop. As I have already posted, my husband said he wouldn’t have done it and just let him keep it. Clearly not helping when an 8 year old hears their dad saying that. Now it’s just mostly my husbands things that he takes and hides. As someone posted, it could be an attention thing as my husband never spends one on one time with him. No, he doesn’t vent to family/friends then it turns into laughter. He purposely brings it up because he thinks it’s funny. I ask him not to as it doesn’t help with son’s behaviour.

Vaping is a ticking time bomb. Not being able to instantly smoke an addictive substance is the likely reason your husband kicked off and your son was the easy target.

Most likely explanation is that one of the teens took it hoping it wouldn’t be missed or would be blamed on your son. If your son had hidden it it would have been found in the room before you left.

Frankly I’m struggling to believe that OP’s family and friends all sit around laughing over repeated anecdotes about a kid stealing stuff, unless they’re all complete simpletons. If a friend started telling me a “funny” story about their 8-year-old lifting money from their wallet, I’d just make sure I kept my handbag close and zipped, not giggle over it.

You are absolutely right! It’s normal behaviour for an addict. It explains the DH’s behaviour but doesn’t excuse it. Yet posters on this thread are defending him to the hilt and making OP feel bad!

Ah so everything is dhs fault!!

Your son's behavior is quite concerning and definitely not normal I'm surprised that no one seems to be taking it seriously. I'm very surprised that your gp hasn't referred him to someone equipped to help

Struggle no more as OP has responded;

No, he doesn’t vent to family/friends then it turns into laughter. He purposely brings it up because he thinks it’s funny. I ask him not to as it doesn’t help with son’s behaviour.

Yup, about the long and short of it!

Then it’s no wonder OP’s kid thinks it’s fine to steal, being brought up in an atmosphere where all the adults around him think it’s either no big deal or outright hilarious. What a sad mess to raise a child in.

Well he had a normal reaction to a child stealing and the OP is blathering on about not being in trouble and not being able to expect an 8 year old to have impulse control and not steal and giving her husband the silent treatment for half their holiday. Is that a normal reaction to a child's continued poor behaviour?

An 8 year old doing this is not normal. A toddler, yes. Not an 8 year old. An 8 year old routinely behaving like this either has some serious special needs or a serious lack of parenting.

Your son needs to be disciplined, not gently told that stealing is wrong. He knows stealing is wrong, he isn't a bloody baby.

I'd be confiscating something of his that he values such as a game or ipad and he would only be getting it back a week after he returns whatever he took. If he doesn't return it within the week, whatever I confiscated would be sold on ebay and the money used to replace the stolen item. None of this wishy washy 'having a chat' shit.

When you talk to him have you mentioned that in two short years he will be of legal age of criminal responsibility? Anything he steals then, he can be prosecuted for. This is because the vast majority of 10 year olds do not struggle with impulse control to steal things into their teens. Stop convincing yourself this is normal. It really isn't.

Yes I think you need to explain to your son the ' boy who cried wolf' story and also I'm surprised when he has a history of this that you're chipping in saying he might not have moved it and there is no proof etc as although this is true it kind of makes the situation worse and almost excuses previous hiding.

Honestly your partner sounds like a dick. Vaping is so childish and gross I could never be with someone like that especially as he then made a huge fuss about it being moved - how pathetic - also bringing up how funny it is that your son moves stuff at home what kind of mixed messages is that giving the boy?! Your partner sounds gross I'd LTB but then I'd never be with someone who vapes anyway.

I also agree with this. I'd start doing it back to him- hiding and moving his important stuff everytime he does it. He needs to learn.