To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

Just be careful, OP. Sometimes you have a simple choice and keeping it real is not the right one.

There is a huge difference between sugar coating and being able to tactfully say the truth. As a rule the people I meet whom claims they don't sugar coat are rude and don't care they are rude.

Work on how to say things in a tactful manner op. You can still say the truth without being over the top sugar sweet.

I suspect the people you claim can't cope with the truth hasn't actually got any issue with the truth they have a iasuebwith people hurting them to get the truth. There is a way to say things politely. Doesn't sound like you get that from how you answer here.

I had a friend some time ago she ""called a spade a spade " it was shorthand for "I'm really rude and I don't care who I hurt in the process when I say it like it is" we are no longer friends. It's not because I can't tolerate truth. It's that I can't tolerate watching people get hurt deliberately by someone.

OP what job do you do?

You must be quite limited in what roles you can apply for.

I once had a cleaner who would 'tell it like it is' and spent her time telling me what was wrong with the decor in my house and how she would have things much more tastefully arranged and how I should be running my household better whilst (very, very slowly and seemingly reluctantly) doing some of the work I asked of her - but often she would just say 'Oh I don't do floors' or 'I'm not using that spray, don't you have x spray instead, it's much better. I don't know how I stuck with her for as long as I did, but in the end I sacked her. Only, since I'm not 'real', I dressed it up and sugar-coated it with some story about how I'd be spending more time at home and would see to the cleaning myself from now on. But if I ever see her again it will be too soon. Rude woman.

It depends.

If the majority of the people you interact socially and professionally end up offended by you at some point or another, the problem is you.

If it's just a few people out of many, then you've been unfortunate enough to meet the type of people that that think friendship is being a "yes ma'am".

I have found that people who are plain nasty and rude like to use the “I am real and honest” line. The same people enjoy playing the victim when their hostile approach is met with a few home truths.
When I come across people like this, I either presume (maybe wrongly) that they are just genuinely mean or may lack emotional intelligence and have a mental disorder.

I hate people who shout about how ‘real’ they are, I find they’re usually the people with the biggest walls up and the most deep rooted insecurities. There’s a difference between being honest and being an ill-mannered arsehole.

Honesty is over rated. You have probably not said anything nasty to the people who appreciate your honesty, if you honestly and kindly tell people their parenting is crap, their partner is a deadbeat, their lousy at their job, they'll never amount to anything, they put their money in the wrong investment, their children are feral, etc, etc, it's extremely unlikely anyone appreciates your honesty. I'm straightforward is usually just an excuse for I'm rude and I don't care how much I hurt you, suck it up, and worse that's what everyone thinks but I'm telling you straight. But obviously I'm not cruel just honest.

I love the way you use 'real' and 'authentic' when you mean thoughtless, unfeeling and with no compassion.

Hmmm i find the more authentic i am with the men i work with, the more I am called out for it or accused of being rude.

I think you can ditch sugarcoating without being rude. But its a fine line OP, maybe youve crossed it.

Today I was talking to a colleague about her camping holidays. Honestly, I couldn’t have cared less. But I had two choices.

1. To interrupt and say ‘Listen, my intention isn’t to be rude, but you are seriously boring the life out of me. Have you got something else to talk about?
2. To nod politely and confirm that her vacation sounded wonderful. Whilst then delicately steering the conversation to something else.

I chose option 2 because I don’t associate honesty with being my ‘authentic self’, but I do feel that kindness is part of my authentic self, and simply, it’s nice to be nice 😊

Same. There's a woman in my office like this. She is awful to clients, and her colleagues. No idea how she's got so far. I'm in stages of promotion and due to her lack of empathy with clients, she's going as soon as I get the position. It is agonising to hear her on the phone to well respected writers and other publishers.

I don't think these kind of people realise how they're kicking themselves in their own teeth.

To be fair to the OH, I'm wondering whether some of the responses are kind of reinforcing her opinion/world view. We're basically being knobs to them. And so we 'hate' her behaviour so therefore she feels she has stepped on a nerve which proves she's right, that we indeed can't cope with direct communication? Or am I overthinking?

I have a niece who describes herself exactly as you do. She's insufferable to be around but worse than that if she even vaguely suspects anything but viewing her akin to the Ark angel Gabriel, it will result in tears, hand wringing and cries that she's an empath, that you're causing her distress, anxiety, etc. Shame she can't see what her actions do to everyone around her, including her now very LC adult DC.

You're possibly right. But, I think if you can dish it out you should be able to take it, which OP obviously does and plentifully so.

I don't know if she even has a mind to change, or if this is just a reinforcement of "poor me".

Ugh, the "touched a nerve" people.

"You're frightened of spiders."
"I'm not frightened of spiders."
"Ahaha, TOUCHED A NERVE THERE HAVE I?"
🙄

I didn't realise the ghost of Jade Goody had an MN account.

I tend to find the “I just say it how it is” “I’m blunt” “I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking” are some of the rudest and nastiest knobheads people out there.

People should absolutely be honest, direct and assertive but without being rude or offensive. Some struggle to separate the two.

People can deal with it, but it doesn't exactly endear the rude (sorry real, authentic) person to you, if they then complain you don't like them, hard luck, what did they expect?

I don’t think they realise either! My ex was a GP and just like this. Many times he would moan about interactions with his patients where it was quite clear he was the one being rude and in the wrong. He always brushed it off as being honest. I think power trip comes into play also. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been complained about already!

I work in an area where I often have to communicate very difficult and often painful things to people and it is important that they are as able as possible to take this on board and move forward with jt. I spend time building up a relationship with them first and also finding genuine and positive things to reflect on too, even when it is hard. This makes the rest more palatable.

You sound like my mother. I feel defensive around her all the time, waiting for the next thing, and never have had much of a relationship ship as a result sadly.

Why do you feel the need to be so ‘real’?

I tend to think about how someone would feel before I say something.

Oh God, a GP? I'm sorry for his poor patients! It's always people in some sort of position of power too. Had a manager like this when I worked in a café, and my God did she make life hard. It just baffles me how people can be so self aware but not care!

My brother thinks he's 'real'. He's not he's just tactless and rude.

I wonder how OP is taking the 'truths' that many posters are dishing out to her. People are more 'authentic' online as they feel they can be more 'real' with their opinions than in real life, for better or for worse.

OP, do you feel uncomfortable with these posters. Do they cause you to dislike them?

I like to think I’m very diplomatic but I have my principles and if I feel a situation is unjust I will often speak my truth as it’s a true reflection of how I feel. I will never be unkind though. There are so many snowflakes in this society who keep their mouths shut or are scared to rock the boat even in situations where honesty is crucial. People like to follow the crowd and not draw attention to them. However, I often find this is the opposite with keyboard warriors or trolls who behind a computer take honesty to a whole other level and can be downright vicious.
There is always a difference between genuine, well meaning honesty and making remarks for gratification.