To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

Honestly I've never met a self-proclaimed 'real' person who wasn't just rude. You can be authentic without upsetting people.

I might say things like, “I think it’s important to address issues directly instead of avoiding them,” or “I don’t believe in sugarcoating the truth, even if it might hurt someone’s feelings.” I agree that ‘hate’ is a strong word, but I’ve noticed that my straightforwardness can sometimes make people defensive or uncomfortable. I appreciate that it could be misinterpreted too. It’s a fine line to walk!

I’ve found that some people take honesty well, while others seem to see it as rude or abrasive. But is it better to hold back to keep the peace, or be upfront and risk being misunderstood? I’m genuinely curious how others navigate this.

It's all in the delivery and it doesn't sound as though you're very good at it.

I don't sugarcoat the pill either but I tend not to upset many people in real life at all.

I'd learn to sugarcoat if I were you, until you learn better delivery.

Work on your tact and social skills, OP.

Do you know what, if people are hating you, you have your answer.

Id suggest that the vast majority of people go through life with no one hating them, whatever you call it you are upsetting people, not every thought has to be said

I'm straightforward too as I can't be bothered to sugarcoat things, just speak your truth. However I am tactful with it as I dont take pleasure in hurting people's feelings. Also in real life I wont offer advice when someone's feeling bad and I can see they just need to vent - although I won't stand for someone venting continuously and never trying to improve their situation instead of battering my ears daily.

I know people who are so blunt, and rude af then turn into big babies when you're the same back, as they cant take what they dish out .

But I think it many people find you rude then yes, you are. Which is fine as long as you accept that people don't have to put up with you, in which case they'll swerve you.

You can just say nothing rather than being "real" or "sugarcoating" things

Diplomacy. The art of telling someone to go to hell and having them look forward to the trip.

I think authenticity is important, as is honesty. However we aren’t entitled to require other people to be interested in our honest opinions or give them any weight. If I am asked my opinion I will respond both kindly and honestly- ‘I prefer that other outfit/your hair has always been lovely.’

Generally though, people don’t need my opinion and I don’t offer it. I could share all sorts of unpopular opinions, spout about all sorts of things my friends would and wouldn’t agree with, but why would I?

I’ve never met an “I’m honest and tell it like it is” person who wasn’t an insufferable twat.

You may think being 'real' is the right approach but really it's in your interests to be tactful to have better relationships and command more respect/status.

I don't expect everyone to like me for starters so if they don't like my style that's fine -

I dislike people who flannel so I have to try and guess what they really mean. But people are different and that's good and fine - so why are you bothered ?

Yes sone people get tetchy at anything but they are just too much hard work to worry about

Yes, this is how you do it OP.

"Bluntness" is usually just a lack of social skills imo. You can be brutally honest but say it in a kind way that people appreciate.

If you're offending people then you lack tact, diplomacy, social skills. The directness per se isn't the issue - the lack of social skills when delivering it is the problem

Exactly this.

There are many, many true things in the world. Nobody can possibly say all of them - there wouldn't be time. So everybody picks and chooses which true things to say.

So maybe something is true. But is it really necessary/useful/kind to say it? Pick and choose.

I once was assaulted on a cycle path by a group of teenage lads. My ex told me it was my fault because "you always look happy when you're walking by yourself and it's irritating as f*ck". I was being real, my authentic self. I'm sorry (not sorry) if my face offends you.

I used to have a friend who prided herself on being honest, blunt, and "saying it how it is". I respected her a lot and admired her at first until she started being nasty but hiding behind the "well I'm just being honest" facade. Saying things like I wasn't on the same intellectual level as her, making sly digs at my weight, that kind of thing. We aren't friends anymore.

I guess it depends. Say a friend tried a dress on and asked your opinion. If it did nothing for her figure and was very unflattering, what would you say? Would it be something like "I don't think the cut suits you very well" or would it be along the lines of "it makes you look fat". The latter is rude and lazy tbh, and would show that you can't make the effort to be tactful.

Your response indicates a real ego. It makes me uncomfortable. Have fun on this thread.

The problem is, that quite often the truth is subjective. You have ‘your truth’, as we all do, but why does that mean people need to hear it. Are people directly asking you for your opinion / advice, or do you just feel the need to say it? If someone hasn’t asked my thoughts, I’m not sure I’d think it necessary to give them.

I guess what it boils down to is that you know your behaviour is upsetting/offending people, and putting them off you, so you can either carry on being ‘real’ and accept that is the consequence, or you work on your tact and diplomacy and upset fewer people. It’s entirely up to you.

Its not either or OP. It's perfectly possible to be both genuine/honest and polite/'nice'. You just add some softeners to your words.
"Would you like to come to the theatre?"
"No. I cant stand theatre" becomes "Oh, thanks for the thought, I'm afraid I'm not really a theatre person, but nice of you to ask."

There are ways of being straightforward without being disingenuous or rude, but I was a legal aid solicitor and didn't have time to dress it up 😔

I think the issue isn’t about autism or personality type - it’s more about how people react to directness. Some appreciate it, while others may feel uncomfortable or defensive. But it’s not always easy to balance being real and being tactful.

Lol you sound a bit like my friend!

This makes it sound like you're putting the blame on others rather than looking inwards to see if you can change your own behaviour.

It’s perfectly possible to be simultaneously honest and not a dick.

If you can’t be the former without being the latter, that’s for you to work on. If people “hate you” for “being real”, I think you need to look closer to home. Your abrasive delivery isn’t the other person’s problem to solve.

But what sort of things do you say that you would consider “addressing issues directly” or “not sugarcoating”? Because the two examples you have given are just examples of you talking about being honest as opposed to the honesty itself

I totally agree that there’s a big difference between being straightforward and being rude. When a friend asks for my opinion, I aim for a balance - I usually say something like, “I think a different cut might be more flattering,” rather than being harsh.