To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

I think people who "don't sugarcoat things" don't think about, or don't care about, the feelings of the person who they are speaking too. Most people do care about other people, so if you give the impression that you don't care, the probably won't warm to you.

I dont think it is rude to be direct. It can be a cover for being an ass, but I also think there are a lot of people who will smile to your face and gossip about you behind your back. And many of them will find you challenging to be around if you are not like them.

I personally equate being real or genuine with people who “tell it like it is” about themselves rather than others - as in they are self aware and share the less polished side of themselves - those to me are people who are “real.”

Yes exactly this. Being genuine is about being unafraid to be who you are, to be unapologetic about your talents and struggles and pleasures. Not to go round thoughtlessly making people feel like shit.

I’m with you on this, OP. People will often fail to acknowledge a difficulty for fear of causing offense/ getting into hot water. This can lead to many further problems.
Like you, I find it frustrating and much prefer to discuss difficulties in an open way, especially when there’s nothing really unpleasant involved.

I’ve never met anyone like this who can remotely handle the same treatment dished back to them,

Could you please explain why saying 'a different cut might be more flattering' is rude?

(1) If a friend is showing you a picture in a magazine and wants to get that cut and asks your opinion and you say that, would it be rude?
(2) If a friend already has the cut and asks if you like it: I can understand how that might be rude, and that someone is asking for reassurance, so telling them the truth then is rude? (Great colour, cut doesn't suit you).

OP - I'll give you an eg from long ago which has always stuck in my mind.

I was at a small-scale conference years ago at a stately home. After a very interesting presentation it was time for questions. A woman near me put up her hand and unsmilingly said 'Where did you get your information from?' I remember the atmosphere in the room froze and the poor lecturer went white.

As it turned out this rather socially inept person meant just that. But it came over really badly, as if she was about to lay into the lecturer.

What she could have said was 'That was a really interesting talk. I was wondering, with x or y, how you set about researching the subject?'

To be fair I suspect she may have been ND, but I've met people who aren't but who still don't understand the need for diplomacy. Empathy is a good start!

Being 'honest' and 'real' is a bit subjective, and in my experience it tends to mean saying what you like regardless of the impact on other people (and their 'reality'). I used to have a friend who would say 'Gently, I'd like to say....' and then went on to express some pretty ungentle opinions. Note the past tense.

I would highly presume it's the second of those two given the context of the post. Clearly whatever OP is saying isn't going down well with those around her and I don't think she'd be getting that reaction with the former.

I think it depends. Are you British? I think that we (British) are "polite" but also we often prefer to avoid conflict. While this can be fine in day-to-day life to smooth things along, it can be a bad thing in more important scenarios (not being honest can lead to ghosting in friendships, marriage breakdown). Sometimes it is hard to judge. I have a really good friend and I appreciate her honesty - I know she's not being insincere, because she has a track record of telling it how it is. However, some people ask for advice wanting a specific answer, or shoot the messenger when you say something truthful but unwelcome. It's a bit of a minefield.

This.

Its easy to get the idea that people want your opinion more often than they do.

In my experience of people say "what do you think?" About an outfit etc, really all they expect in reply is a brief, shallow pleasantry like "love it" or "you look fab". They don't actually want your opinion on the cut or colour.

If they do, they'll tend to ask that question differently and much more specifically. E.g."do you think the pink is ok? It comes in green as well do you think that would suit me better?".

A good tip is to match your answer to the question. If its an open generic "how do i look", the answer is probably an open generic "gorgeous darling". Let them prompt you if they actually wanted more of an opinion eg wait for them to ask "yes but what do you really think, is it too short" before giving a more specific opinion.

Be very careful not to confuse "telling the truth" with "giving your opinion". Most people don't really want your opinions on things a lot of the time.

There’s definitely a line between being honest and being unpleasant, and I always aim to stay on the side of honesty without crossing into cruelty.

Maybe you're not as pleasant as you think you are if you keep on upsetting people.

Also, some of the most self aware and sensitive people in the world are autistic. We need to stop pedalling this fallacy that there's 'one type' of autistic person.

Agreed

Are you diplomatic as well as honest?

RhubarbieRhubarbie · Today 07:24

MissTrip82 · Yesterday 22:59
I’ve never met anyone like this who can remotely handle the same treatment dished back to them,

This.

100% my experience too. I knew someone at university like this. She would just 'tell it like it is', but we'd have to listen to hours of her raging about some innocuous comment someone else had made to her and which she had been offended by.

You also hear people say 'I'm very sensitive, me' but generally they are only sensitive (touchy) about their own feelings, not about other people's!

It can be cultural. It can be the difference between 'Move over there!' and 'Could I ask you to just move over there, please?'

Nothing wrong with the 'flowery' version. It means the same, gets the job done, but treats people with respect and kindness.

Scandis, too.

But the ‘flowery’ version would mark you out as possibly insincere (and bluntly, as a bit weird) in more ‘direct’ cultures, rather than as demonstrating ‘respect and kindness’. Being asked to aside would not be regarded as something that required ‘respect and kindness’.

Which cultures are more direct? Can we have a list? And which cultures are more flowery?

So you have no idea how to be tactful?

It’s consequences in action.

Be as ‘real’ as you like, the consequences of that are that some people will hate you.

If you do not like those consequences then you have choices.

One choice might be to ask someone you think hates you, how they came to that opinion, if your ‘real’ behaviour and ‘real’ words were the reason for the hate and if so in what way?

Then you’d have the information to make a further choices of:

accept that the other person is ‘being real’ in hating your behaviour/words, apologise and learn a more palatable way to behave around them

Or

stick to your current behaviours/words and accept they will hate you and interacting with them will be undesirable, remain fraught or no longer be possible

One choice you’ve already made, namely this thread on MN, is to ask people who have never met you to base their opinion of your behaviour and words solely on your description of your behaviours and spoken words and your written responses (many of which are parroting PP examples - so are they your words or PPs?)

It’s an interesting choice imo

it suggests that you do not want to ask the people in your real life in case you do not like the answer,

or that you already have asked them and did not like the answer,

interesting as you say you prefer people to ‘be real’ with you too

Of course it could be that you do not actually care if you upset people enough to hate you and this thread was just to upset more people and draw more hate to yourself - for what purpose I don’t know

A list isn’t going to be accurate or complete, because deciding what is ‘flowery’ (which in itself a subjective value judgement — is it the same as ‘indirect’, for instance?) is going to depend on your own cultural point of departure.

It’s like personal space. Someone untraveled from a culture which typically allows a large amount of social space between someone and the business contact they’re talking to is going to feel threatened or uncomfortable doing business in a culture where acquaintances typically stand much closer to one another. The US typically has a larger social space than the ME. Americans working in the ME may find themselves backing away from a ME colleague whose idea of normal talking distance is much smaller.

People generalise about Scandinavian culture being ‘direct’, but Finns I know think Swedes are indirect. English people tend to have a self-image as hilariously indirect, but in general you’re more direct than Irish people. My English nephew is studying in Japan and is struggling with indirectness.

In my experience, most people who "tell it like it is" are just rude twats and other people generally don't like to confront them for fear of getting a load of unwarranted abuse off them and so keep away.
The same "real people" don't tolerate any form of criticism and won't change their mind.
Chances are they come across as a bully and most people have learnt to keep away.