To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

I tend to find anyone who goes about defining themselves "I'm this", "I'm that" is an annoying self absorbed twat.

Not saying this is you OP but some people certainly pride themselves on "telling it like it is" but in reality are just tone deaf boors who lack any insight or sensitivity and revel in making others feel small to prop up their own insecurities. Kind of pathetic if you ask me. True authenticity doesn't mean being cruel or unkind, I've never known anyone who was like this i.e. tactless who didn't enjoy sticking the boot in.

Using these two examples as they are the ones you have given

• do you stop and think first whether the person might have real reason to cancel before making it all about you? (Eg Ill health, a difficult partner, caring responsibilities, an unpredictable job)? It's never crossed my mind to take it personally if someone cancels, life is complex for most adults.
• before being so, erm, "refreshingly honest" about the outfit do you stop and think whether they wanted brutal honesty or just wanted a confidence boost? Are you giving this opinion when they are in the fitting rooms choosing, or on a night out when they are already out and wanting to feel good about themselves?

Both these examples you gave give me the impression you are a bit self centred /socially inept rather than laudably honest.

I know a few people who have ‘just thought I should know’ so much stuff I honestly would have been a million times better off not knowing, sometimes with a nice little pinch of ‘it’s better than people talking about it behind your back’. I couldn’t have cared less if they had but the person saying it meant I had to address it when I had heavy other shit to deal with at those times. They walked away secure that they had been ‘honest’ and ‘real’, I had to go talk down the people who would know this other person had told me.

See, in that situation, there’s nothing wrong with being honest. She would have thoroughly deserved it. I would have told her she needs to get some manners and social awareness, stop being rude about other people’s homes and concentrate on what she is being hired to do - then she might get more work, but since your home is not to her tastes, you don’t think it’s fair to inflict it upon her any longer so you will be doing your own cleaning from now on and she is surplus to requirements 🤣

There's honesty then there's those that are so opinionated they can only see one view.

OP I think this example you gave - “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute,” - is totally fine and a good time to be real, and if the friend can’t cope with hearing you be honest in this context then they’re not up for having a very meaningful friendship.

I think most posters are imagining you going round being rude just for the fun of it, while feeling superior. But this example doesn’t say that to me at all.

I have encountered a few people who pride themselves on being direct but don’t like it when someone is direct to them in return.

I work with someone senior who is very much like OP. I love my job but am now sadly looking for a new one as I have reached my limit with my colleague’s “feedback” and “honesty” - each time I see an email from them it feels as though I have been punched in the stomach. They also have a habit of sending emails late on Friday evenings and on Sundays with their “helpful” observations. I feel like such a weakling but it’s honestly affecting me so much that I need to leave.

Apologies in advance as I am usually not quite so real but - You sound like a PITA.

To the OP

My mum "tells it like it is". She's actually just bloody rude.

It’s because they’re very insecure and use their honesty and directness to be intentionally rude and obnoxious about others as a power grab, but obviously then they don’t like it when their own flaws are pointed out because their ‘tell it like it is’ big personality is a facade. They are usually quite sensitive themselves. Hypocrites. I make sure I tell them exactly what’s wrong with them if happens to me, and then they predictably start sulking and make me out to be the horrible one 🤣

Have you got any good friends who would tell you how your honesty comes over to them?
It sounds that you keep offending people, but I can't tell why from what you have said in your posts. Tone of voice and body language make a difference, it's not just the words. 'Another haircut would suit you better' could be damning or supportive depending on context and tone of voice.

But do you say that when they trying on in a shop or when they are at an event ? One could be upsetting but is clearly trying to be / is helpful, one is rude and hurtful

I appreciate honesty and directness but there is a fine line.

Unusual to use the phrase 'being real' to refer to the relatively simple concept of directness/frankness when speaking to others.
I've always thought it conveyed something much more profound than that. Something to do with being more deeply perceptive of yourself -- more authentic in your self-dealing, and consequently more able to use your own reactions to other people as a source of wisdom about them and about your relationship with them. I think that is what people value when they speak of a friend as 'being real'.

As regards being direct, I think it can be positive in some circumstances, provided that it is combined with some genuine self-scrutiny before you voice an opinion, otherwise it can get a bit like the "I speak as I find" comedy character in John Finemore's Souvenir Programme

Exactly. It's the context.
'Shall I buy this red dress, I can't decide, or this one better?' 'Mm, I think the blue suits your colouring best', is fine.
'Do you like my dress? I've never worn red before but I thought it would be perfect for this winter wedding?' 'Mm, you like better in blue or green or even lilac,' is not fine.

Um, no.. I am pretty honest if asked for my opinion, or if I need to tell someone something.

I am pretty careful on the whole to wait until asked for my opinion and to only give it if its relevant and constructive.

If you're getting negative responses then maybe consider if you are being authentic and real in a way that causes upset and bad feeling because you weren't actually asked or what you're saying isn't useful, relevant etc.

Telling Sandra a dress she is trying on in a shop makes her arse look three times bigger might be constructive and useful.

Telling her the same thing at a party where she can't change into anything else, and has just told you how she feels great in the dress is just cunty.

What the hell? What a bitter thing to say. Glad they're an ex!!!

You can be real and authentic while also being considerate, diplomatic, and polite. The majority of people are.

If the real you isn't tactful, emotionally intelligent and you make no effort to see things from others point of view, it may be the real you.

However, it won't get you very far with a lot of people who will consider your direct approach rude, insulting and unpleasant.

I suspect the word 'deliberately' is doing some heavy lifting on this one.

It’s about emotional intelligence isn’t it?

There can be situations in which being direct is required.l, for example at work or if someone you care about will suffer some form of “harm” due to you not being honest.

But - if you are finding people consistently don’t like you, then the common factor. to be “real”, is you:

As an aside - I personally equate being real or genuine with people who “tell it like it is” about themselves rather than others - as in they are self aware and share the less polished side of themselves - those to me are people who are “real.”

Haven't read the thread, but feel pretty certain you are often rude

“Telling it like it is”, usually means tactless. It’s possible to deliver “truth” without being a bull in a china shop.

The tell it like it is brigade also tend to good at giving it out but not so great at receiving it.