To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

Obviously yes, hence toning it down with the easily offended. Havent fallen out with anyone for a few decades so I think I’m ok.

I used to work with a woman who would openly criticise people's life choices and exclaim "I just say it how it is, I'm not two faced!" As if it gave her carte blanche to be as rude as she liked. On one occasion she told me she felt sorry for my son as "an only child is a lonely child" and as I worked full time "there was no point in having him". I was so upset I couldn't reply.

A few weeks later the HR manager had a word with her about coming to work dressed too scruffily. She was usually on reception and client facing. OMG there were tears and histrionics because she was "so upset and hurt" that her "personal style had been attacked". As others on this thread have said, those who dish it out out can't handle getting it back.

I'm assuming it was a case of option 2. I'd not comment really on a dress that someone has bought - it's my opinion after all and they were happy buying it.

Even if it's option 1, it's quite rude to say a 'different cut would be more flattering' - it sort of insinuates that the person needs a 'flattering cut' because their figure is not great.

If it is option 1, and you have been asked about your opinion, I'd say something along the lines of: 'that looks quite nice, I certainly couldn't wear it, as it just wouldn't be a cut that would be flattering on me' and hope they take the hint.

Or, 'hm, I'm not so sure about that one to be honest but maybe it's the way it looks in that picture'.

As for what some others on here have said about being two-faced, I agree. But there is a difference - you can sugar coat things without being a gossip behind someone's back.

AdaShoelace · Today 08:22

Sorry - I can't get it to quote!

Well, from my limited experience, I would say my Polish friends (and a few Russian acquaintances) are much more direct - and think we're all bonkers with our circumlocutions.

Not saying they're all the same.

Insincere how, exactly? I'd like to understand!

This kind of phrasing is the norm in my world, both professionally and socially, and would be accompanied by a smile.

So shoot me!

My experience too - and often just plain ignorant.

I appreciate directness and I like people who say exactly what they mean as it makes communication more straightforward for me.
However, every single person I have come across who describes themselves as “tells it like it is” or “real” has been a massive twat.
Plenty of people are honest and direct without making it their entire personality or an excuse to be unpleasant.

Smiling has completely different social meanings in different cultures, for instance. In a culture where you only smile as an expression of actual happiness or to indicate happiness to see a loved one or friend, a stranger or customer or slight work acquaintance smiling at you while asking you to do something ordinary like move aside would be confusing and giving off very mixed signals.

A US waitress who didn’t smile when serving a table would be viewed by US customers as dour and rude, even if she took the order and brought all the food correctly and on time. Smiling is seen as a sign of respect, to ease social interactions, so you smile even at strangers, even at the customer who is the ‘superior’ in the power dynamic in a restaurant to show them you’re ok. These people are often aggrieved in non-smiling cultures, experiencing them as ‘unfriendly’. Whereas non-smiling cultures traditionally see smiling while serious business is being done as inappropriately frivolous.

In cultures where female shyness is traditionally prized, there’s far less of a culture of brides smiling on their wedding day, so smiling cultures might think Indian brides of the recent past were unhappy.

Yikes what an absolute “see you next Tuesday”, she deserved everything she got 😂

Really interesting! Mind you, it puts me off venturing into unknown cultural territory because I'm a habitual smiler.

The Russian teacher I know has never been known to smile! Perfectly pleasant, polite woman but she just doesn't use her smile muscles. She's legendary for it.

I think it was the BBC correspondent Mischa....somebody...who said he'd learned not to smile in Moscow because to Russians it usually signifies stupidity.

Yes, but you learn to adjust. The same way you code switch between languages if you live or work in a multilingual environment or the idiolect you use with your colleagues versus the one you use with your children.

Yes, Russia is not a smiling culture. Smiling is reserved for far fewer situations than, say, in the US, and ‘social smiling’ is not much of a thing — no automatic customer service smile. Trying to think of a better way of expressing it. Maybe more that smiling is not required for ‘politeness’ in so many situations. And that if a random stranger smiled at you, you’d be likely to assume there was something funny about your appearance. Or that something had happened to make them happy.

Just remembered...Mischa Glennie...the Russian correspondent.

@Bullaun so interesting. I've spent a lot of time in a traditionally non-smiling culture, and I would say that because of global media, these norms have shifted and now the young people smile in cafes, restaurants, post pictures of everyone smiling on social media. Older people often don't smile as much, especially if they are doing a job they don't like, they don't feel the need to make the other person's day different by smiling, which is pretty off-putting to UK or US or other more smiling cultures.

Perhaps Russia is still more like that and will continue to be as it is staying more isolationist with the war.

Elsewhere, smiles have become rather infectious, for pretty obvious reasons- if you are a young waiter who doesn't smile at the customer, you are unlikely to get a tip from most Western tourists.

I bet there were queues of people lining up to tell her what they thought about her dress and "not be two faced" about that one 😄

Let's be honest. OP went running away when she realised she was actually a PITA. Being real usually means disregarding social norms. To do so deliberately demonstrates either lack of social skills or deliberate unkindness.

Its so funny you say that, because every person I've met who has claimed to be "real" and "tell it like it is" has not only been a rude c*t (and they use this "real" crap to cover up their bullying or rude behaviour, very much like "banter" (loathe that word!)), they've also been as false as f*k as people and had next to zero personality, very much like these reality TV losers! Also the male ones seemsed to be highly misogynistic. See also: "i'M aLoUd aN oPiNyiN!!!".......

Exactly!

I'm sorry, but to be in your alleged preferred style of communication-you sound bloody tedious.

There's a big difference between being honest and being rude. A lot of people hide behind, "I just say it like it is," or "I'm just really blunt with my opinions," or "I don't like to beat around the bush," and so on and so forth so they can be as rude as they like without ever having to take accountability.

Then, they can act shocked and play innocent when the person they've been rude to gets offended. It's not pleasant to be around. Really, it isn't.

You also have to bear in mind that by being this way-you're likely not getting your message through no matter how direct you think you're being. People tend to shut off and focus on how the delivery of the message made them feel-rather than the message itself-when it's delivered rudely.

If multiple people have an issue with how you communicate-chances are, you communicate poorly. You can be honest and still be considerate of someone else's feelings. I assume you're quite happy to have your feelings trodden on provided the person doing the trodding is just being honest, right?

That's another thing I've noticed with the "I'm blunt," crowd-the second someone else is blunt back-they often can't take it.

@harmfulsweeties agree with your last paragraph! They get ultra defensive and claim they're being "attacked!!" when they're challenged! These people dislike me as I give just as good back. Usually in my case a simple "no one asked for your opinion/ who asked for your opinion?" takes them aback 🤣

You also hear people say 'I'm very sensitive, me' but generally they are only sensitive (touchy) about their own feelings, not about other people's!

This is SO true!

Sorry edited post as I just woke realised I posted on wrong thread!

And the ' I'm so spiritual' crowd. Tedious in the extreme