To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

I'm marmite.. loved or hated for it

I find that 'real' and 'honest' people seem to define themselves by this trait. Which usually comes off as purposefully obnoxious and attention seeking.

Yeah, I was wondering if @ByPithyRoseReader just blurts out her opinion whenever she's got one! Your opinion is only one point of view of many possibilities, not the ONLY TRUTH. And everyone has an opinion on almost everything, we don't all go around delivering them like judgement spam.

Friend already wearing dress: "It's new, d'you like it?"
She's chosen to go out in it, for god's sake, what good will it do to criticise? Do you want her to feel insecure or to run home and change? No? Then tell her she looks really nice. But also tell her if the zip's undone, that's helpful.

Friend trying on dresses in shop: "What do you think of this one?"
If you don't like it, say so. But say YOU don't like it, because that's the only truth you've got. Also ask her what she thinks of it, because her opinion in this case is more important than yours.

How come you didn't learn this stuff when you were, like, 12??

I don’t think u have to navigate it
if someone wants u to be honest then use your honesty but I’d say a lot of people dont want to hear it and that’s when u use diplomacy !! It’s not hard and also if u haven’t anything nice to say don’t say anything at all that’s my motto in life x

I’ve also found those who pride themselves on ‘I tell it as it is, Im just real and honest, I’ll say it straight to your face’ actually tend to be very two-faced drama-loving types 😂

I can be a people pleaser which is at the other end of the spectrum but can be equally annoying I think!

I am working on it - happy medium is the way to go, I think.

I sugar coat to much. My bf who has disorganised attachment style needs me to be direct but I just can't I sugar coat to such extent to avoid conflict it makes it worse with him everyone else no issues

I find most people running around wondering why everybody dislikes them for their realness are actually loudmouths who enjoy shit talking.

And they can never take the same when its offered to them.

These kind of people never like people reciprocating.

You mean you're rude and you don't give a shiny shit about people's feelings because you're "real".

Aye, very good 🙄

I’m direct. I never gossip or say things behind people’s back I wouldn’t say to them straight. I also like directness and honesty in others, as I know where I stand and it builds trust. So, generally, I think directness is preferable. But coming across as judgemental, lacking empathy, self-important or rude isn’t.

As far as the examples you give, if someone keeps cancelling plans at the last minute, I wouldn’t tell them I’m hurt by that. I’d ask if they’re OK. People have all sorts of reasons for cancelling last minute: depression, anxiety, miscarriage, menopause symptoms, migraines, lack of money, controlling partners, relatives who can’t really be left etc etc. They may not want to talk about it or it might betray someone else’s confidence, so they make up an excuse. When people’ve cancelled on me last minute more than once and never attempted to properly explain or rearrange, yet when asked say everything’s fine, I make it clear I’d love to see them (to leave the door open), but stop asking them. Some people really struggle to be assertive and say they don’t want to do something. Not ideal, but persistent cancelling is their way of telling you.

When it comes to people asking what you think of an outfit, I’d tread very carefully. First, we all have different tastes, shapes and backgrounds and feel comfortable in different things. For example, I generally wear black, with the odd bright colour, so anything of a different colour wouldn’t be my taste. But some people think black clothes look draining, funereal or too edgy. I respect that. Second, people often ask to seek reassurance, rather than criticism. Third, most people are sensitive about their appearance and what clothes suit them. Even with a v close friend, I’d always emphasise the positives, rather than highlight negatives. If they’ve chosen the outfit, they obviously like it. The way people dress is what makes them unique. People of all shapes and sizes should feel they can wear whatever they like. As long as they feel comfortable and it’s not grossly inappropriate (e.g. too revealing for a professional setting or potentially offensive slogans), that’s all that matters.

Oh! Is that you Yvonne? I used to work beside someone like this ‘I say how it how it is!’ God! She was tiresome! She’d ’say it how it is’ to someone, then was all faux innocence (‘what? What did I say??’) when they got upset! She was also a bit dim…the times I fantasised about hitting her right in the middle of her stupid, wide-eyed face with a frying pan…😡

This. There is a good reason social diplomacy exists. Because people would be crippled with low self confidence if they knew every single negative thing being said about them.

There is a place for being “real” but if you hand it out to everyone you meet without a filter people will just think you are an arsehole who can’t read a room.

They always sound the same, too. It's like they're one mind.

Well your 'honesty' may just be your opinion, and it may not align with somebody else's opinion, hence they may be upset. Are you being honest about facts or honest about what you think about situations?

I hope you also love being on the receiving end of your type of "realness" and don't hate the dispenser of realness because they too don't like to sugarcoat the truth regardless of the impact on the recipient.
Has anyone ever actually complemented this your genuineness?

If you are regularly finding that people are insulted, or in other ways negatively reacting to you being real then that is a sign that your communication style is being seen as unpleasant or reading as harsh or rude.

You can’t have the majority of people seeing things one way and then say that it’s not you.

that would be like being in a room where 40 people say they can smell something but you can’t and your reaction is that they are wrong. you can’t smell it so it doesn’t exist.

Sorry but when people say “I don’t sugarcoat things” it just automatically screams the word prick to me. 🙄 Usually because ime people who use that line normally are just unpleasant and use it as an excuse to justify it. Not saying this is the case here but I think if people don’t ask for your honesty, don’t give it.

Do you work, OP? If so, how do you get along with your colleagues?

I assume you are in the UK.

Thing is, honesty is only one social value- other ones are being kind, or being perceptive. If you are kind and perceptive, you might not want to be very honest in a given situation, the values contradict.

You value honesty at all costs, even the cost of people 'hating' you, although I bet they don't hate you, they find you annoying or rude.

Others might prioritise kindness or tact or perceptiveness, so knowing what people need from a social interaction and giving that to them, rather than ploughing on with honesty when that wasn't really what they wanted or asked for (asking 'what do you think of my new dress?' if it's been bought is not asking for your opinion).

My experience of this is I agree with you - the world would be more straightforward if we were all.. straightforward. But the fact is our culture dictates that it’s seen as rude to be blunt and people can get very hostile in response. I tread very carefully around other women in particular. Men and boys usually find me funny rather than offensive.

When I read the thread title all I could think of was Harry Enfield’s Kevin saying ‘I’m real, you’re just living them there lies!’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have heard (and agree) that the 'shit sandwich ' can be confusing especially with giving feedback or managing someone: people can be confused as to whether they have been told off or praised and aren't sure which part to take on board most. So would say avoid shit sandwiches if you want clear communication!

Being ‘real’ or honest’ is often just your opinion. We often don’t know all the information or facts about a situation or someone, therefore you can find yourself commenting on something that you’re not fully informed on.

I agree with this - especially combined with...

Opinions are like arseholes; no one wants to see yours unless they have specifically asked to.