To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

You can be genuine without being either rude or abrasive.

Calling a spade a spade = fine
Calling a spade a human operated earth lifting implement = far too fluffy
Calling a spade a fucking shovel = abrasive and borderline offensive

I suspect OP falls in to the third category, without the self-awareness to realise the first category exists

I’ve never known anyone who calls themselves “real” or who say they’re “just being honest” to be anything other than arrogant dicks who think their opinion is always the correct one.

Maybe if you want to give someone a negative "truth" go the old "shit sandwich" approach positive>criticism>positive.

Hey Sandra loved how beautiful your presentation was, the stats you gave were total bullshit, but cracking font choice! 😉

I agree! I’m British, but my heritage culture is much more direct, which influences how I communicate. I understand that my straightforwardness might not always align with UK cultural norms, but it’s just part of who I am.

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here,' misses point of thread. OP - Have you found your answer yet?

They won't say anything to you, you haven't actually done anything wrong, but believe me you will have hurt people who have then quietly been upset, to varying degrees.

The only people I know who say they're "just being honest" or "just tell it as it is" are all insufferable prats with no social skills. It's just a guise for "I'm going to say whatever I think because you hearing my opinion is more important than your feelings".

But the thing is your idea of 'real' is, unless you're talking about objective fact, at least tainted by your opinion. You have to be careful that isn't what you're giving people in an unfiltered way, unless that is definitely what they've asked for.

Are you absolutely sure this is what you're doing? Because your examples are what people are told they should for ( eg ' I am hurt when you are late' as opposed to you've wasted my time because you were late') so I'm not sure why people would ' hate' you for it- presumably your family and friends who apparently have asked your opinion. Maybe next time you do it, have a think about what you have actually said. Because if multiple people have taken offence at you being 'real' it's likely that what you think of as honesty is just rude and hurtful.

I think you need to think about the purpose of the conversation in any situation and whether it's more important to be honest or kind.

Your friend turns up in a new coat and asks, "do you like it?" She doesn't actually want honesty. She wants support and for her friend to make her feel good. If you say, "I think you'd look better in a green one," you're talking at cross purposes. And who cares if it's not the perfect coat - making your friend feel confident is what's at stake here.

But if your friend turns up and says, "I backed into a car and drove off without leaving details, was that bad?", obviously the stakes are different! There you might say, "actually, I don't think you should have done that."

Honesty for it's own sake isn't always a virtue. Communication has other purposes.

what come to my mind is the old saw about opinions being like arseholes.

😂 If you say so.

Oh my goodness. Yes, we can all see the problem now. Saying "a different cut might be more flattering" is definitely very rude. There is no need for that. I know in a previous post you said you weren't autistic but I would honestly ask for an evaluation. Not seeing anything wrong with what you've said there is a very typical autistic trait. Lots of adults nowadays weren't diagnosed as kids (particularly women) and benefit from diagnosis and support.

There’s a fine line between being “honest” and just being rude. A little tact goes a long way.

I often find people who are so openly “real and to the point” just lack manners or any social awareness their words have on others

whether or not you like to believe it words hurt and what is you being honest can come across as nasty or unnecessarily confrontational

Thank you for this suggestion… I actually tried the shit sandwich approach in the past, but I was told to “cut the crap” in response. It seems that different people have varying preferences for how feedback is delivered.

I think I'm pretty real.

My version of real is empathetic, thoughtful and kind. I consider how I would want people to treat me and treat them the same way. I'm also pretty patient so people don't wind me up very often. I find people respond to my habitual realness very positively.

Once in a while I might be impatient or curt or thoughtless or even downright rude . People don't respond to that realness quite as well. Funny that!

Whenever someone has said these phrases to me they were either preceded or followed by something unnecessarily rude or nasty.

There is just a certain smugness to this. I wonder if people could be reacting to the self righteousness as much as the actual content of what you are saying to them?

Like, you are not only saying something they don't want to hear, but are also patting yourself on the back for your authenticity in saying it.

People who make a big point of ‘I say it how it is, what you see is what you get, I’m just so real and honest’ are always a massive PITA in my experience

I personally really dislike when people say “I’m not being rude but…” and then say something incredibly personal and rude. It’s still rude

acknowledging someone might not like what you say doesn’t make it sting less

You can be honest and diplomatic. Honestly without tact or diplomacy shows poor emotional intelligence and maturity.

I've noticed a lot of people like this are never "real" about positive things and often thinks their opinion is always relevant. They often come across as negative self important arses in mu experience.

It's you. People who pride themselves on "saying it as it is" are generally simply tactless and rude. Interestingly, I have found all my life that the people who are the most tactless require everyone is the tread on eggshells around them as they get very upset if people are equally blunt to them. There are ways of saying something without upsetting others while still being honest. For example, if a friend is wearing a new summer dress that your don't like and think doesn't suit her but asks for your opinion, you could say it is very summery. Sometimes l see someone with a new baby or proud grandparents showing photos of a new baby, which is lovely, but when I ask the name and it is one I dislike or find odd, my reaction is a beaming smile and a warm voice as l exclaim "how unusual!" before quickly carrying on to ask more about how how the baby and new mum and dad are getting on.

Do you have examples? Or do you generally just say what you think even when people haven't asked your opinion?

I'd be interested to know...

On the plus side, you can quickly identify people to avoid when they are so open that they’re nasty.