To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

This, exactly.

In many cases there's no such thing as "saying it how it is". You're sharing your perspective, or your opinion, which is entirely different

An example

"You're fat" - honest maybe but rude and cruel

"I saw a sign for weight watchers and was considering joking would you want to join with me?" - still raising the issue, but tactfully.

Which one would you use?

What messages are you delivering in your direct manner? Is this in a social setting or a work setting?

are you someone who hurts people, because they ‘just say it how it is’? Do the hurtful or offensive things need to be said?

Exactly this. They’re examples of you telling people how honest you are, not examples of your honesty.

The people I know who are clear and straightforward are mostly appreciated by the people around them with occasional conflicts with difficult people that others tolerate. The people I know who make it a point of pride that they tell-it-like-it-is are mostly unpopular for a reason.

If you’re one of those people who pride themselves on ‘being honest’ and always ‘speaking their mind’ then TBH I’m not surprised people don’t like it. I have an aunt who does it - we all do our best to avoid her.

You “don’t believe in sugarcoating things just to avoid conflict” so why are you surprised that without the sugarcoating there is sometimes conflict? I bet you wouldn’t like it if everyone took the same approach with you as you take with others. Saying eg “some parts of this project are really good but the history section needs a bit of work” really isn’t that much harder than saying “the history section is crap”, but I think 99% of the time people would rather hear the first than the second.

I've got to admit that most people I've known who pride themselves on being 'real', 'brutally honest', 'not sugarcoating the truth' etc, are in fact plain rude and can be hurtful. I'd be wary of sharing much of myself with someone who described themselves in that way tbh.

Just add a pleasantry to that and it makes all the difference. "I think a different cut would be more flattering, but I really like that colour on you".

I try to be mindful of when and how I share my opinions. I believe it’s important to gauge the situation - if someone asks for my thoughts, I feel it’s fair to be honest. But I also recognise that unsolicited opinions can come off as intrusive or unnecessary, so I don’t give them.

It's not a fine line when you've already said that you're happy to stomp straight across it and hurt people, just so you conform to your own image of yourself.

A better approach would be looking at that fine line in the distance and making sure you're never closer than 20 foot.

OP, are you talking about situations where someone has actually asked for for your view, or it’s your role to give it because eg you’re their manager? Or are you just wandering round giving people your honest views unsolicited?

Big difference between giving a friend your honest opinion that eg her dress doesn’t suit her if she’s asked for it, and just volunteering “that dress makes your arse look massive”.

I don’t think you are real or genuine. I think you are coming across as smug and unfeeling and wihh the low emotional intelligence.

is won thing I would say if I cared little for your feelings.😊

The fact that you’ve chosen language that describes your approach as “real”, “authentic” and “honest”, implies that you believe that people that have other approaches are fake, inauthentic and dishonest.

This sort of lack of shades of grey-thinking gives the impression (in this thread at least) that you would be coming across as rude, even if you don’t believe it is your intention.

on the other hand, i assume that you appreciate everyone telling you they find that conversational interaction unpleasant and rude, because they are being real and authentic in their responses.

But people still don’t like you?

This.

I manage someone who likes to "tell it like it is". In reality she's rude and in fact she's often factually incorrect in her opinions.

She also likes to tell people what she thinks of them. I've had to tell her that not everyone cares to hear what she thinks and it's often not relevant.

I have no interest in her opinion that my glasses don't suit me or that she thinks I'd look better in a different colour. In reality people don't like her and avoid interacting with her.

Oh I see what you mean! To clarify, I might address issues like a friend’s behaviour that’s bothering me by saying something like, “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute,” instead of avoiding the topic. Or, if someone asks about their outfit, I’d say, “I think a different colour might really suit you better,” rather than just saying I don’t like it. I aim to express my feelings or observations honestly while still being mindful of the other person’s feelings.

You should go on reality TV. Plenty of people om those shows claiming to be "real" and "tell it how it is". The reality is they are just rude and annoying.

What's the point of this thread? You want people to confirm that sometimes being honest can upset people?

Usually anyone who says they're just being honest is actually just being a nasty bitch.

You're not "real", you're lacking the emotional intelligence to either not air every thought that enters your head or to phrase your words tactfully.

If you can't change how you deliver information to people depending on how they will receive it, you're shit at communicating and probably come across as rude. Neither are endearing qualities.

It depends what you mean really. If you are one of those “I just say it how I see it” people, then you’re most likely just rude and immature. We don’t walk throw life saying everything that pops into our heads and it’s something we teach our children from very young. Learning to NOT be completely honest at every turn and to occasionally sugar coat things is part of being an adult.

Thank you, I appreciate this.

The people I know who speak their mind were usually incapable of seeing that their thoughts were only an opinion. On most topics your truth isn’t the one and only truth but they were certain they were right.

These examples seem really different to me. First one- fine. Second one- ok if they are pondering whether to buy the outfit or I suppose whether to wear it for a particular occasion. Once they’ve bought it and are wearing it, what they are asking for is reassurance rather than critique.