To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

Also I find a lot of people who are openly “just so real” are just saying their opinions very loud. And that’s exactly what they are - an opinion not a fact

Most of the time unsolicited opinions aren’t needed either, and I find that most people who say they are being real just give out their opinion, which isn’t objective of course, without being invited. I’ve met a few. Making unnecessary comments about people’s appearance or choices etc. If someone has a flaw, for instance, they already know, and it doesn’t need pointing out. I would think someone was being a dick if they pointed out someone else’s flaws.

You can be ‘real’ and honest without being rude or insensitive. Not everything needs to be said, even the truth. You sound like my sister - she describes herself as a ‘sayer’, she’ll say whatever she thinks. I’d describe her as a bitch most of the time

It's a vibe. It's not so much what you say but your presence and vibe. Which honestly, comes over a bit smug and superior. Perhaps you are very book smart, but not as confident around people? Just being honest.

" I say it how it is" and " I speak as I find" are two expressions that seen to be used as get out of jail free cards by rude and thoughtless people

I’ve given some on the thread

OP this puts me in mind of a friend I had who habitually asked “look at the beautiful x” “isn’t that a fantastic y?” and I found it very hard to respond honestly without automatically agreeing with them

People are very defensive. They feel they have to protect themselves as they are strongly identified with their status, intelligence, opinions, position, self-structure etc. That's why they take things too personally.

To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

No, they love me because I'm fictional.

I think this is quite nuanced. If a friend asked me if an outfit she clearly liked suited her (one of your examples), then unless it was a very good friend, I would probably say yes. If it was a good friend then I might say actually I think a different colour/cut/whatever might be better.

I have a close relative who justifies unspeakably rude statements as "I'm just saying what everyone thinks" or similar. E.g. "you need to lose weight" to an overweight relative. It's just rude and unkind. She then gets very uppity if the rudeness is pointed out.

I find that generally in life the odd white lie tends to grease the wheels. It's rare that one's genuine negative opinion needs to be voiced.

Your choices aren't only I dont like it and something negative. Why can't you just tell a little white lie about someone's outfit or compliment part of it

What's so hard about saying 'I loved that dark green dress you wore last week, the colour really suits you' if it's when she's thinking about what to wear on Saturday and 'You look amazing' when she's already leaving the house?

Yes but strongly suspect I'm autistic. I can't stand fakeness or lying. It goes both ways, I'm not offended by people being real/honest with me and actually prefer it, I know where I am with them then.

I can be blunt, but I know it's not appreciated. I've learned in my adult years not to do it, because I've been around people who do and it just comes across as cruel and hard faced. I save it for nearest and dearest under certain circumstances.

That said, I'd never have reacted to someone showing me a dress or a haircut with "awful, doesn't suit your face/figure, try again.". I'm just a bit straightforward.

The way you sound, however, is quite nasty. This makes people awkward and it's not a case of "not lying" or "just being honest", when I hear people talk like that I think they're either vindictive or have a really mean streak at the least.

Ok so quick scan - something about a more 'flattering hair cut' (I wouldn't offer my opinion on this; I'd be vague and say it's nice to see a change and then pass it back - "what do you think?" type answer - sounds as if friend wasn't sure either so they don't need to have your opinion too; or else it was just a general polite ' what do you think'. Either way it's just your opinion).

Other aspect was commenting about someone always cancelling or being late or similar. I think that's fair enough if it really is a longstanding, continual thing (I mean, are we all perfect all the time?).

Asking about a dress/outfit, unless absolutely appalling or unwittingly showing off too much (being transparent) I'd really not be 'honest' in that situation. After all, again, it's your opinion.

No offense, but are you sure you're not autistic?

I’m 100% myself and I am very honest and struggle to not give my honest opinion.

But no one hates me for it.

In fact, I would say I’m a very likeable person and I often have work colleagues, clients, family of friends etc saying how nice and likeable I am.

There’s a big difference between being authentic/being honest and being rude/tactless.

If people don’t like you, it’s because you have an abrasive personality.

Even in your OP you are implying that people hate you for being authentic, like you are the only real one out there and it must be their issues instead of you being the problem.

I don’t even know you and I can already tell you’re a bit of a twat.

OP , I love this post. Its where I am sitting too. I , like you, have a direct approach, and I most certainly can dish it out as well as take it, but I agree , some folk just dont like it!

So your a bit of a cunt? by choice?

Don't 'sugarcoat' it when it comes to describing yourself, just say that. Don't hide behind fake justifications of 'being real' when that literally just means lacking basic etiquette which is in essence just rules that mean being a decent and nice person who respects others feelings.

But yes most people don't like cunty people and doubly tend to hate cunty people who think their rudeness is some kind of awakening that makes them 'real'.

Are you giving ' feedback' constantly and not reading cues? Some people may say ' do you like my new dress'? But they don't want chapter and verse. They just want you to say ' you look lovely '. Or are you just giving feedback to prople unsolicited when really they don't want your opinion? They are not constantly at a job interview or looking for self improvement tips.

This isn’t being real. It’s bad manners.

I walk a mile out of my way to avoid people like you @ByPithyRoseReader

The 'tell it like it is' brigade boil my blood. I don't give a stuff about your opinions of me, so I would ignore your 'honestly' and 'frankness.'

I think most people don't like the I tell it like it is,me type individual,not some

Read the room

People should absolutely be ‘real’ or whatever you want to call it. But, equally you need to realise that others might just not like your opinions or personality. You have every right to be honest and they have every right to dislike you.

Agreed about the pleasantries and also just more generally - where possible - try to add a bit of humour/ levity. Could be as simple as e.g. someone is talking bollocks about something and you raise your eyebrows with a smile rather than a scowl. Turn the “real” feedback into a shared joke rather than an overt criticism. Obviously doesn’t work in all circumstances but can in plenty.

Most people who are honest are very blunt and it borders on / or is rude a lot of the time. Being honest and having some tact is a skill, just blatantly saying something with zero tact is rude and will not make you any friends