To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

[ByPithyRoseReader]

I’ve always prided myself on being honest and straightforward, and I’ve noticed that some people seem to have a problem with it. It feels like the more authentic I am, the more tension it creates with certain people. I don’t go out of my way to be rude, but I won’t sugarcoat things either.

AIBU to think that some people just don’t like it when others are real with them? Have you ever felt that being genuine makes people uncomfortable or even causes them to dislike you? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

You acknowledge that there’s a line between being honest and unpleasant. The fact that you’ve made this post suggests that you’re not erring on the right side of it.

Are you equally as direct and forthcoming with positive things as with negative?

In the second example, context is key - if your friend is asking you about an outfit she is already wearing on a night out, and it's too late to change it, she's likely feeling anxious about how she looks. It would therefore be unkind to say it's not flattering in those circumstances.

However, if you're shopping together, or she's not decided what to wear out yet and is showing you one option, then it's fine to be honest as long as you are tactful (don't say "you look fat in it" or similar!).

No. People don’t hate other people for being genuine.

People are generally drawn to genuine people, and like and respect them.

If people seem to “hate” or dislike you a lot then you probably need to take a look at your behaviour, because that’s not normal.

The problem is so many of us are gigantic dickheads if we stop pretending. I know I am! So I keep being polite.

Those are not examples, they are beliefs/your opinion.
Real examples would help

I sometimes think that people who pride themselves on “keeping it real” “being my authentic self” are often a bit tedious and tiresome and are not always able to understand when honesty is important and when a bit of politesse is called for.

Prioritising your need to broadcast your own opinions over the comfort of others can be very boring and irritating for those around you. Sometimes you should just nod and smile and say “Dubai? In summer? How lovely” rather than hold forth on your opinion about its human rights record and how it will be hotter than the sun, for instance.

This is very true. Are you listening (or reading)? pithyrosereader?

I’ve given some, kindly read the comments.

Yes, I try to be! I believe in being honest about both the positives and negatives. If I think something is great, I’ll share that too.

They're not great examples.
I would find you too direct/rude

this is the problem
people don't want to know anyone's and everyone's truth and often people gossip making lies about others also - the world is not a nice place

To make the world a pleasant place every communication between two people involves some level of tact, diplomacy and thinking about things from both your perspective and from the other person’s perspective. Often we do this automatically to some extent anyway eg you’d talk to a child differently to an adult, or to a client at work differently to a colleague.

OP if you’re only doing half of this - saying exactly what you feel without thinking about how it could come across, and what the other person’s emotions and reactions might be you’re not communicating well. You’re only doing half the necessary work.

There will be occasions where it is necessary to be forthright or direct, but in my experience these are relatively few and far between.

Yikes.

People are always telling me they like that I'm open, honest and expressive. Hardly anyone has called me rude or abrasive, though. Sounds like either:
a) You're surrounded by narcissistic wankers whose egos must be tended at all times, or
b) You don't think about others' feelings, or care about them
Could be both, I suppose?

With people you share your life withask yourself
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me, right now?

With people on the internet, have at it.

Yes I feel that part of the issue can be the defensiveness of saying ‘I’m not going to sugar coat this’ as if you are already setting up the concept that something is going to be coming along they might not want to hear, but it makes you feel good to say it. I work with someone who point blank refuses to use any diplomacy through a fear of their authenticity being compromised, unfortunately this results in more conflict than if they used diplomacy to navigate a topic. You can deliver information or an opinion to someone that is still honesty by being diplomatic, using positive and polite language without being some kind of wet lettuce conflict avoider. It did come across in your OP that you think this kind of approach is somewhat weak and pointless.

This might come across less abrasively as “lovely outfit. It would look amazing in x colour on you”.

You might find it easier to fit in with some Dutch, German, South African and Israeli people as directness is the norm in those cultures.

Unfortunately you're out of step with UK cultural norms which may cause issues for you socially.

So casually cruel in the name of being honest...

I haven’t read all the comment, just yours, but I kind of know what you mean. I can’t bear equivocating and people not saying what they mean, and I operate on the same basis. So I often have trouble in a positive way, e.g. I offer to help a friend having a childcare crisis because I’m genuinely happy to, otherwise I wouldn’t have offered. But they’re so used to people saying the right or polite thing that they can’t take it at face value and wring their hands about whether I’m sure, isn’t it too much trouble? And I have to find a kind way of saying ‘I only say what I mean, so if I’ve offered, I mean it’, then we have a good understanding going forward, as we build a friendship, for example. But the flip side is, I’ll find a polite but honest way of saying if I can’t or don’t want to do something. Not agree out of politeness and then seethe about it.

Trouble is you are not 'telling it like it is' you are telling 'how you see it' . Who is to say you are right?
I've reached the grumpy old woman stage of life and honestly you have to keep it in. I have to remember that other people see things differently or place importance on different things. They really don't need to hear my opinions. It's just not necessary. You smile and be diplomatic.

People who claim to be ‘real’ in my experience are just rude and say needless things to people because it makes them feel powerful having put someone else down or been rude to someone. Maturity is realising how and when to give your opinion in a tactful way, and being happy enough with your life or confident enough to change what you’re not happy with so that you don’t feel the need to bring others down claiming you’re being real and honest. You’re just a dick in reality. That’s me being honest and ‘real’ for you 😄

It's all in the delivery OP. You can make this sort of thing work well with appropriate delivery.

Your title asks if it's 'because you're real', OP.
I believe it's because your statements of honesty are, at times, or maybe very often, hurtful.
A friend of mine is like this and she can be so offensive with her honesty, and believes it's a positive personality trait. Obviously it sometimes is, but in the smaller things in life especially she upsets people.

You can be honest without being rude.

If people don't like you that suggests you are being rude.