AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

Just stick her back in it without washing

"Bonus child"?

Sorry I can't read this without just reading the world bonus child and thinking WTF

Isn't your partner handling all this? I'd leave it to him.

Leave your DP to say no. If he won't then he can do the washing. This shouldn't be your problem.

First of all, it wouldn't be you washing your "bonus child's" clothes, that would be her dad's responsibility, if he decided to go along with it.

Secondly; why is your DP seeing so little of his child - (Sat pm to Sun pm) just over 24 hours per fortnight, am I reading that correctly?

A wardrobe full of clothes doesn't make up for only seeing your Dad 25 days a year 🙁

Have her for a decent amount of time and then it wouldn’t be such a rush to wash and dry something.

That is what I’ve been doing before now (unless something was muddy or would have stained then I would wash them and try and get them dry before they were sent home) but now that seems to be an issue for my partners ex 🙈

her lawyer advised she shouldn’t have to pack a bag and she’s interpreted that as I should wash, dry and send bonus child back in the exact same outfit we picked her up in so she doesn’t have to pack an overnight bag, I honestly think it’s insane and don’t see why she can’t just share clothes between the houses but the ex isn’t happy with that either 😵‍💫

Bonus child ??

Step daughter, we’ve always just used bonus child

Court mandated times, we’ve been trying to get custody increased for over a year now, just we aren’t getting anywhere quickly unfortunately

Her dad can wash her clothes

This. She's only five and gets a few hours with her Dad. If bedtime is really 9 (very late for a 5 y o, bet she's exhausted when she returns home) and then swimming on Sunday mornings, she has very very little time with her father. Certainly doesn't warrant the title of "bonus child" as she's around so little, poor thing.

Bonus child is a super common term for step child - it's quite popular in the states and in the UK - used to make the child sound like a "bonus" eg. a good thing, rather than being alienated by "step". People at work use it quite often! I think it's a great term.

Why would you wash it, your partner should . Also if I was her mum I’d hate it if you were referring to her as bonus child.

Bonus child is a Swedish term for stepchild.

Court mandated visits unfortunately, we’d love to have her over way more and have been trying to get her more but it’s been slow progress

It's for your boyfriend to figure out.

I hear what she's saying, for the last 10 years I've had to pack for my boys to go to their dads for 24hrs each weekend, and they come back (mostly) with dirty washing for me, so he does barely any laundry, compared to me doing the lions share. He wouldn't return their clothes if he washed them, and it's 100% up to me to buy everything cause I get maintenance. I just suck it up but it's not fair on me or the kids really. At the beginning he was expecting me to send them with packed lunches 😂 I would let her get changed as soon as you got her, into your clothes, then just before she goes home she can change into mums clothes again. Before you know it she'll be a teenager and won't want to visit you all anyway.

She’s doesn’t wake up until 8.30/9am on a Sunday morning, she’s getting just shy of 12 hours a night. Weekday bedtime at mums is 8pm so 9pm at the weekend seemed reasonable

She can't make you. So long as you're sending her back in appropriate clothing you're doing nothing wrong.

I would do this - get her changed into 'your' clothes as soon as she arrives.

It's unreasonable to wash and dry clothes overnight.

When you say ‘we’ does your boyfriend really refer to his own child as a ‘bonus child’. That’s pretty horrible. I can’t imagine ever referring to my child or my partner’s child as anything other than their name when we are together, and especially in front of the child.

I’m not sure why your boyfriend is only allowed to see his own child for a day a fortnight, but don’t let this be a sticking point.

If she’s only with you for a day and a half, she can wear the same outfit she arrives in on Saturday afternoon again on Sunday and be sent home in it. Young children don’t get sweaty and smelly, there’s no need to faff about washing anything but knickers.

I absolutely love that phrase never come across it but so glad you see it this way it made me smile.

Really hope you work it out shouldn't really be an issue and she's just being awkward