AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

Just ask your husband to stick the clothes on the rinse cycle (20mins?) and pop into dryer? She's 5 - how long can her clothes take to dry?

Round of applause for you because the term came about because other people disliked the use of the the terms 'stepmother, step daughter' etc.

If people can scoff at step child, then people can scoff at bonus child.

We had the same op, dads mum was very much put in her place by the judge and told they're not her clothes they're dsds clothes !

Exactly this

I would get DH to tell her that he doesn’t have a tumble dryer (most people don’t).

And so he can either return it the next day unwashed or washed but wet. Or return it in a fortnight.

Chances are she may not have many outfits and will need it back but it’s almost impossible to have it washed and dried within 24hours and so the only option is to send it back unwashed.

Tbh I’d probably just keep sending it back unwashed or have her wear the same outfit home.

The same number of outfits aren’t going in and out though, mum sends her in clothes from hers and nothing is allowed to stay at dads but if she’s sent home in an outfit from ours one never gets sent back in return

so 2 outfits are coming over, 3 are going home so it’s been slowly depleting her wardrobe over here. Little leggings and tops aren’t really an issue but two winter jackets haven’t came back. We sent her home in a new coat and the next week she was sent to us in a t shirt despite it being 10 degrees and rainy so got her another jacket as whoops mum probably forgot, for the exact same thing to happen next time, we’ve gotten her two jackets now and none have ever came back. That’s the best way I can explain it if that makes sense and I really can’t afford to but her a jacket every two weeks, money is tight with me on mat pay

mums is now insistent that whatever she sends her in on the Saturday is washed, dried and the child is dressed and retuned in that on a Sunday

I think it makes more sense in a Scandinavian and Canadian context (where it’s also commonly used) as Canada and I believe Sweden at least actually provide a legal framework for a “bonus child” to have contact with and be financially supported by their “bonus parent” even after the relationship between the parent and the “bonus parent” has ended - so there’s more of a sense of this being a permanent relationship and responsibility.

I think it falls a bit flat in the U.K. where this ongoing provision for a relationship and responsibility doesn’t exist and where, if OP and her partner broke up next week, she’d just never see her so-called “bonus child” again.

We’ve not got a tumble dryer unfortunately, shortest cycle we have is an hour so it would mean having to put a wash in at 9ish on a Saturday night and her clothes most likely still being returned damp the next day

we have a 2month old as well who is usually quite unsettled until about 10/11, this request is a brand new one and it honestly feels like a punishment because I forgot to pack a cardigan as she wasn’t fussed before this!

OP has explained this several times...

They were sending her home to her mum in clothes that are never returned back, so if the mum sends her to them in a tee shirt and it's cold, they were sending her home in a coat.. which is never seen again, meaning they have to keep buying coats if they want her to wear one when she's with them.

NOTHING from OPs house gets returned, yet everything from the daughters house HAS to be returned or else, it's not simple maths because the clothes only ever go one way.

The answer is, like a lot of people have said, is to change her out of her mums clothes as soon as she is with you, then keep them to one side to send her home in again, meanwhile she can wear whatever she likes from yours, surely that's the easiest solution if the mum is going to be so pedantic.

Thank you,

this request was text to my partner as apparently the ex’s lawyer advised she shouldn’t have to pack an overnight bag for her daughter and I thought if it was coming from the lawyers or judge surely it would have came through the lawyers and not just as a text from the ex

she seems to have interpreted that as we should just wash whatever she’s wearing on a Saturday instead and make her wear it again on the Sunday instead of a rotation between both houses

Thank you, you have explained this so much better than I have managed to!

Honestly it’s mainly came from a discussion between the little one and myself, she doesn’t like it when I refer to her as my daughter as she loves her mum and doesn’t want people to think she doesn't exist but she doesn’t like it if people say step mum and step daughter as I’m not mean like the films so we agreed on bonus child

she really is a wonderful kid and I’m glad she’s insightful enough to be able to talk to me about it

Do you ask for the missing stuff to be returned? X

I must have missed the post where you explained why this is your responsibility to sort out and not her dad's.

Just put her back in the clothes unwashed when it's home time.
It's a shame her dad didn't resolve this custody situation before having a new baby though really. He might have been able to manage a load of laundry easier.

My sc comes to us every other Friday and goes home Sunday evening. He comes in clothes from his mums house. Saturday and Sunday he wears clothes from ours and then returns to her house in the outfit he came in. It's only worn for a few hours so we do not wash it.
Sometimes he's come here in his uniform so we've either washed that and sent him back wearing it on the Sunday or he wears clothes from our house back which she washes and returns the following visit. We also see him one evening during the week and the same happens with this.

Her dad bends over backwards to accommodate the ex to try and keep her happy or suddenly there’s a load of reasons why visitation can’t happen (and they’re at court in the next week to extend to Fri-mon every second week commencing from the new year) his ex seems more amiable when he agrees to what she wants and usually starts asking things like this always jsut before court dates, it how he ended up agreeing to every pick up and drop off instead of shared to get overnights, she fought against it for a long time then when she got her own way suddenly it wasn’t a problem… ) I was hoping that he would see saying no to a request like this isn’t unreasonable, and we’re a team so if this helps him realise he can say no to his ex I’ll take it

washing wise it’s just how we split chores, washing is one of my things while he does other stuff 😊

I often comment on this posts because I’m not a step mother/ex wife and it seems that lots of people are interested in scoring points of the other side rather than thinking of the child. As someone who works with children please don’t make her change when she gets in - that sounds horrible. Just either send her back in the same clothes - she’s not exactly there long enough to get them dirty anyway or send her back in another outfit - if you don’t get it back does it really matter? She gets to use it 13 days out of 14 instead of once a fortnight and she’s the most important person on this scenario not you, dad (where is he in all this btw - why are you responsible for her clothing?) or her mom.

Why would changing clothes be horrible?

Unfortunately she’s one of those kids that’s a dirt magnet, it’s not unusual for us to pick her up and she’s already had a spill from lunch, add playing and dinner to that and she wouldn’t be able to wear the same thing the next day without it being washed.

I can’t afford to keep sending her home in clothes when replacements are never coming back, mum insists nothing stays at ours so I can’t lose essentially two full outfits and a jacket because I’m unable to dry Saturdays outfit for her to wear on Sunday and mum is going to start sending her with just the clothes on her back.

she doesn’t get to wear clothes from dads at mums or play with toys from dads at mums, everything goes ‘missing’.

her mum has just started requesting that this been done when dad and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, so me and the wee one usually go shopping trips together and pick out clothes, I’ve always treated her like my own child as I didn’t want her to feel unwanted by me, so dad and I share care tasks the same as we do with our baby

I’d like to add she’s not allowed to get dirty at mums, no playing in the mud, or rain and gets in trouble if she gets muddy or stained whereas she’s allowed to get dirty at hours so plays extra hard to make up for it 😂

Just stick her in the same clothes 🤷🏻‍♀️
Or change her as soon as she arrives while still clean and then send her back home like that.
Or keep her mothers clothes, but send her home with a set of yours.

As soon as she gets to yours have her dress in some of the clothes you have for her and then put her back in her mum's clothes 10 minutes before she leaves so no need to wash them.

Bends over backwards......
it's how he ended up agreeing to every pick up and drop off........

He literally does one pick up and drop off every fortnight. She's only 40 minutes away.The ex was in no way unreasonable to expect your partner to pick up his child and drop her off the next day.

It was the 2 of you who were being unreasonable thinking that that should have been shared.

My ex washes DC clothes and usually returns them wet. And DC comes home in pyjamas ready for bed. When I have 3/4 sets of pyjamas here I usually send them all back at once.

fair enough with the dirty clothes - sounds like a few changes might be needed 🤣 but I don’t get it - if she goes home from your house in one outfit and comes back in one outfit does it matter who bought what? She owns all of them anyway and it’s an equal swop even if the actual clothes are different? It does seem a bit crap that she has lots of toys, clothes shoes etc at yours and can only use them so infrequently - if I was five, I’d “lose” them at the house I was in all the time too!