AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

If DH is doing the picking up & dropping off, he needs to make a point of getting the jacket back before DD goes in to her mums, at least. Especially if you suspect that she is throwing away your clothes! Has he ever addressed this, the clothes/jackets never appearing? Surely at the door or whatever he can say ‘oh it’s quite cold she needs her jacket, where’s the pink one we bought her?’

Or you ensure all jackets etc stay with Dad at drop off.

Poor kid, would be easier if clothes and jackets could just move between homes.

I like the term bonus child. Much nicer than stepchild. I have a bonus grandson because he was a lovely bonus that came when his mum married my son

Seriously I would just get her to change out of "mum's clothes" as soon as she arrives and send her back in the same ones when she goes. No need to wash them if she has been in them for an hour either day.

To be fair. I agree that mum shouldn't send an overnight bag. DSC should have pants, socks, PJ's and a few outfits at her dad's. Mum can't dictate what you do while DSC is with you. She can't dictate that you wash and dry her Saturday outfit. As previously suggested change DSC as soon she arrives and send her back in the clothes she arrived in. I think your making it a much bigger issue than it needs to be. Also if your struggling for cash buy stuff on vinted or eBay. My kids have a lot of vinted outfits because they grow like weeds and I'm replacing things every few months.

Ask her to send 2 outfits the 1st weekend then wash the Saturday one to go back on the Sunday 2 weeks later and carry on like that.

Just get the girl to change into one of your outfits as soon as she can, wears "your" pjs and outfits until just before she goes home, when she changes back into original (mother's) outfit. Just ignore messages saying it needs to be washed or say it can't be washed as there is no way to dry it before returning her. If she is demanding clean clothes, as her to send one extra outfit so you always have a sparkly clean one to return her in

Hi OP
I had this the other way around with my ex and his new partner a few years back.

they would change my daughters when they arrived at his house and then send them back in clothes I had to send for this specific purpose. They could not wear my clothes at his house as they were not good enough. But there would be times they couldn’t change them if they had gone out, so they came back in ‘his’ clothes. When this happened I also was demanded to wash and IRON everything (even underwear) to return to him the next weekend. They then also demanded I started ironing everything they owned at my house. I sent them in coats and shoes he would say the coats and shoes are not nice enough so I had to take the coats and shoes back with me when we exchanged the kids he would make them swap.

Basically I started returning his stuff still wet so I didn’t have to iron it, I just said I didn’t get time to dry it, but it’s clean. I did this for weeks and weeks and he then suddenly refused to buy them any more clothes and told me I had to supply everything and dropped it all off at my house. He took them on holiday once and I had to pack it all and iron it and then wash it when they got home. At this point I said enough was enough it wasn’t fair on the DC and they could choose what they wear and if it was mine or his it didn’t matter and I had to pack them a bag for years but at least they got to wear what they wanted to.

I don’t know what the answer really is but can he get his lawyer to speak to her lawyer and try to come to an agreement that’s best for their DD?

love the ‘bonus’ sentiment.

can’t you just strip her the second you get her and then just send the clothes back either as is or get her changed back when leaving. As she gets older she can manage her mums expectations more herself but for now maybe just jump through the hoops for an easy life?

My partners ex used to provide clothes, but they looked like extras from a Charles dickens novel. So we provide all clothing for ours, which actually can be such a waste as they aren't in it for long before they grow out of it, anyway whatever they come in they immediately undress and dress in their clothes for here then return in their moms clothes. We never wash them as if they are dirty it's from when they wore them at their moms. She gets quite petty and won't let them wear proper shoes (flip flops) and even shorts in winter and absolutely no coats! But to be honest it's actually easier than never have to worry about ruining the rags they came in! I often send clothes home if it's the end of the season etc.

Be firm. Tell her you will provide clothing for the children and the clothes she comes in with is the clothes she will go home in. End of.

Clearly the opinions are mixed, but I raised my brow at the Bonus child too.
I think it doesn't sit right with me because it avoids calling someone 'daughter' or 'son'. Seems very cold and impersonal.
But I suppose 'the child' is around so little, that she really ain't anyone's daughter in that house anyway. A visiting Bonus child it is then.

Ffs what a drama you are making. Poor kid. Clothes aren't that expensive for 5 year olds, can't believe you even notice what is going back and forth. Are you washing using a mangle or something or do you just put things in a washing machine and drier and it's simply done without any effort. This is every other week. Don't make the poor child change as she arrives. Great way to make her feel shit. Are you really hard up and can't afford things? In her home costs will no doubt add up more than eow even with the payments which I believe are only about 20% of his salary so you are on to a good thing there.

I come from step families & I would have loved this when I was younger too. I think it's lovely. And probably would have had a better relationship with my dads family & felt part of the family to be honest being referred to as this.

When she gets to yours put her in 'your' clothes. Then change her back to 'mum's' clothes before she goes home.

Surely when your partner collects his daughter he goes to the door and sees her without the jacket and says, can you just put her coat on it’s cold. It’s really really simple.

OP has stated the child has chosen it. And that the little contact is court mandated and they’re hoping it can increase.

@OrangeSlices998
Chose it. What, at 4?5? years old? OK.
What did she choose for her dad to refer to her as? 'The Guest'?
As it stands, I dunno why to choose a marmite term "Bonus child' where "Step-Daughter" would suffice.

How and why did court mandate such paltry contact? They insisted on 1 day out of 14? There are stray cats who visit my garden more regularly than that.
But that's for OP to think about, since she's just had a baby with that dad-of-the-year.

Just change her clothes as soon as she gets to yours keep the clothes she was wearing to put her in before you take her back on the Sunday. Then no need to wash!

Change her into your clothes as soon as she arrives, put her back in her mum clothes when she heads off.

Do you refer to yourself as her 'bonus mother' also?

It sounds like your stepdaughter is conflicted by her love for her mother and the presence of a new person who also decrees to be her mother - what a tough situation for her. She has a mother, with whom she is with almost full time.

Having some respect for her (and her mother!) would be wise - to factor in what is best for them, rather than just yourself. The impression that your ego likes the term 'bonus daughter' is apparent, as well as the narrative of the "crazy ex" that you endorse (eg. with regard to clothing, custody, the cardigan, etc). Children are intuitive, and your attitude will be visible to the child.

This quote comes to mind: "If you continue to be frustrated by someone's actions, you are also refusing to change."

Good luck!

You're both being unreasonable, it's very petty and it's unfair for the child. You won't send her back in clothes from your house because she won't bring them back. That's unreasonable, they belong to the daughter so it shouldn't matter to Mum or Dad where she goes in her clothes. If you all insist on this sillyness of which clothes belong in which house, then your husband can help her get changed and put the clothes in the wash as soon as she arrives, and then they will be good to go the next day. Seems pointless having a whole wardrobe at your house and her only getting to wear the clothes for two days out of the month though.

Why are people getting so het up about 'bonus child'?

I personally think it's sweet, 'bonus' has no negative connotations at all, only positive, so what is wrong with that terminology?

Obviously to her mum and dad she is their 'daughter'.

Bonus child?! Assuming it's your boyfriend's child. Let him and his ex sort it out.

I've been through similar and really feel for you, DP and his DD. It's really frustrating and gets very expensive when nothing is getting returned. DPs ex used to send DD in really scruffy, unsuitable clothes. They were full of holes, filthy, too small but then she wouldn't return nice things dp had bought. She'd kick off though if he didn't return clothes from hers. When DD arrived, we used to ask her if she wanted to chose what to wear so she didn't feel like we were saying she couldn't wear what she came in. We would then wash clothes if DD arrived dirty and send her back in those. If acceptable then wouldn't wash them. He would pick DD up and she'd have dirty nails, matted hair, not cleaned teeth etc but if he took her back with any speck of dirt on her, the mum would try and stop contact. She made DP write in a diary what she'd been fed etc but wouldn't write in it herself and then sometimes wouldn't return it and when DP didn't have it to send back again she would threaten to stop contact. I plaited DD hair once and the mum hit the roof!
Court warned her that none of this was warranted and was not in the best interest of DD but she didn't care.
In your case too, if awkwardness is increasing just before court, she's pushing for a reaction to show the judge.
Good luck, it's so tough and you sound like a lovely, caring part of the DD life

This is the most sensible advice

I think he can say
'I'll try to help you with the clothing but can you help me too- please return these items of clothing'

This weekend send her home in the oldest clothed from your house and wash the clothes from her mum's in the week. Next time she comes send her back in this weeks clothes and wash the new ones in the week. That way no rush for the washing