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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my partners ex

255 replies

TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 16:47

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

OP posts:
Flowersjimmy · 21/10/2024 17:40

This is a bit of something in nothing. Just wash the outfit, you have her such a tiny amount and don’t do much for her that washing her clothing is the least you can do if it’s dirty.

cestlavielife · 21/10/2024 17:42

Buy duplicates of the clothes she comes in and then you will always keep a set to go home in and one to wash. Throw in with next wash. Presumably underwear is fine whatever she goes back in?
When she starts school you will need duplicate uniform

MounjaroNewb · 21/10/2024 17:42

Easy. Just send her back in an outfit from yours one time. Then wash the outfit from her mum's ready to put on to go home the next time, keeping the one she's arrived in and washing.....system set. You'll have an outfit on the wash rotation every time

Mickey79 · 21/10/2024 17:42

Ridiculous to expect the clothes to be washed and dried when it’s only an overnight stay. Don’t bother doing that. Dd can change into clothes her dad has for her when she gets to your house, then just put her others back on for going home to mums. I can’t fathom why this is being given head space by mum tbh.

BestEffort · 21/10/2024 17:42

Sacrifice an outfit from your house the first time then you have two weeks to wash her clothes and send her home in them clean on her next visit. If mums not happy with that then explain she needs to send a change or accept child he in dirty clothes.

Alternatively have two overnights at the weekend so you have time. One night a fortnight is poor. Mum should not be criticised for moving 40 minutes away from such a poorly involved father

Original poster
TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 17:42

kkloo · 21/10/2024 17:32

When does she ever wear the 'full wardrobe' worth of clothes at your house?

Does your partner pay maintenance? Maybe the mum is annoyed that he doesn't or annoyed that he doesn't pay enough so that's why she doesn't return the clothes from your house?

Sounds like she's being petty in response to your pettiness, maybe the daughter wants to keep the clothes at her mums as she gets more wear out of them then? Why do they have to be returned?

Does it really matter if they're not returned to you seeing as they're still with the daughter and the daughter arrives to you fully clothed and with extra clothes?

Also hate the term 'bonus child' too.

Edited

Yeah, full maintenance and some extra for uniform/trips/ treats ect

it matters if they’re returned as we’re constantly buying her clothes that never come back meaning she doesn’t have a good choice of what to wear at ours or if mum forgets to pack a jacket we’re having to go out and buy new ones so she’s suitably clothed for the weather. We don’t have the extra money to constantly buy her new stuff, I’m on maternity pay, money is a little tight!)

It Has been hinted at by the 5 year old clothes from dads disappear at mums and she doesn’t get to wear them again or she’d be more than welcome to bring her favourite outfits home.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 21/10/2024 17:44

She doesn’t need to pack any bag. You collect the child in the clothes they are in and send them back in the clothes they are in. Simple.
also, does he really only see the child for one night every other weekend…why not a full weekend! Really doesn’t seem a lot. He needs to step up - on the clothing too. Not teally your issue. Keep out.

Bondii · 21/10/2024 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This

Saw a post the other day from a mum wanting to deny the dad having child every weekend, all replies said fortnightly is fair so mum gets time too. Not sure why OP is being questioned on why they only have her once a fortnight.

Original poster
TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 17:50

kkloo · 21/10/2024 17:39

Why do you have such an issue with the clothes from your house not being returned to your house though seeing as she's rarely there?

Would it not make more sense for your partner to just buy the daughter clothes which she can wear whenever she wants rather than them all being kept at yours?

Show quote history

It’s a constant depletion of clothes though, while I’m on mat pay we don’t have the money to replace things all the time, mum isn’t reliable at packing weather appropriate clothing either. Mum freaks out if her clothes aren’t returned so she gets sent home with everything she came with and if she is wearing something from ours that used to go back with her as well but mum would never send it back again. If it was a constant switch of clothes I wouldn’t have a problem with it but it’s mum keeping every single item of clothing then sending her to us in a t shirt in cold weather and because mum kept her jumpers and jackets before that we need to go out and get more so she’s dressed appropriately.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/10/2024 17:52

Buy from charity shop or vinted
Buy supermarket clothes
Buy duplicates of her outfits

H0mEredward · 21/10/2024 17:54

She's five years old. Why would you want to separate a child from their mum for any longer than necessary for overnights?

She wouldn't be expected to go away on school trips overnight at that young age and most children don't usually do overnights in uniformed activities until at least 7 years old.

If it was dad writing this, saying he's missing his daughter and has been washing clothes etc that would make sense.

Your child is a tiny newborn, you should be focusing on enjoying this stage not worrying about someone else's child. Little children being passed between houses must be utterly exhausting for them.

A better option would be that he collects his daughter from school one day a week, she eats at yours and then goes home before 7pm and then he collects her on every other Saturday morning for breakfast until lunch.

No overnights and just enjoying 1.2.1 time with her dad for a few hours.

Original poster
TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 17:59

BestEffort · 21/10/2024 17:42

Sacrifice an outfit from your house the first time then you have two weeks to wash her clothes and send her home in them clean on her next visit. If mums not happy with that then explain she needs to send a change or accept child he in dirty clothes.

Alternatively have two overnights at the weekend so you have time. One night a fortnight is poor. Mum should not be criticised for moving 40 minutes away from such a poorly involved father

Dad has been fighting for years for better access he would have her all the time if he was able to (there was a false police report filed years ago by the ex resulting in a breach of the peace charge with a domestic element, he was found not guilty thanks to video evidence from neighbors) but it’s been enough to make getting more custody difficult for him, we’re trying to get full weekends it’s just taking a really long time as his ex has a better lawyer and he’s had to fight for every scrap of custody)

OP posts:
PinotPony · 21/10/2024 18:05

Surely the easiest solution is to send her home in one of “your” outfits, just for the first time. You keep her “mum’s” outfit and wash it at some point during that fortnight.

The following visit you do the same but send her home in the clean “mum’s” outfit you’ve already laundered. Keep the one she arrived in to be washed ready for next visit.

So you constantly keep the clothes she arrived in but send her home in clean clothes from the previous visit. Simples.

2Little · 21/10/2024 18:06

I'd change her on arrival. Then her clothes don't needs washing.

DoIWantTo · 21/10/2024 18:07

Bonus child is a Scandinavian way of saying step child. Round of applause for the idiots scoffing at it, no culture exists bar yours eh!

Blueblell · 21/10/2024 18:08

I would have thought that if she gets to you at 1 then puts pjs on in the evening that her clothes should be ok for the next day to go home in - or get her to change at yours straightaway, but it seems a bit of a shame for a child to have to do that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2024 18:11

DoIWantTo · 21/10/2024 18:07

Bonus child is a Scandinavian way of saying step child. Round of applause for the idiots scoffing at it, no culture exists bar yours eh!

But we’re speaking English 🙄

LePetitMaman · 21/10/2024 18:13

TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 17:01

Step daughter, we’ve always just used bonus child

We've?

I think you'll find the term for your partner is his daughter. She's his "bonus child"? Wtf.

DonnyBurrito · 21/10/2024 18:14

Get her changed as soon as she gets to yours, and then when she's going home put her in the clothes she came with. Job done.

Original poster
TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 18:15

Blueblell · 21/10/2024 18:08

I would have thought that if she gets to you at 1 then puts pjs on in the evening that her clothes should be ok for the next day to go home in - or get her to change at yours straightaway, but it seems a bit of a shame for a child to have to do that.

That’s what I think we’re going to do, bring an outfit from ours to change into then just pack her outfit from mums back into her bag and change her back just before she goes home on Sunday, I feel for her as mum doesn’t let her pick what she’s wearing so we like to let her choose her own outfits when she’s with us instead of just wearing what mum packed

OP posts:
DonnyBurrito · 21/10/2024 18:16

PinotPony · 21/10/2024 18:05

Surely the easiest solution is to send her home in one of “your” outfits, just for the first time. You keep her “mum’s” outfit and wash it at some point during that fortnight.

The following visit you do the same but send her home in the clean “mum’s” outfit you’ve already laundered. Keep the one she arrived in to be washed ready for next visit.

So you constantly keep the clothes she arrived in but send her home in clean clothes from the previous visit. Simples.

Yeah do this actually!

Original poster
TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 18:18

LePetitMaman · 21/10/2024 18:13

We've?

I think you'll find the term for your partner is his daughter. She's his "bonus child"? Wtf.

Show quote history

No I refer to her as my bonus child, my partner just says his daughter, she’s uncomfortable with me referring to her as my daughter so it’s habit now

OP posts:
NachoChip · 21/10/2024 18:18

TheSunnyLemonShark · 21/10/2024 17:22

her mum packs an outfit for her to wear on Sunday along with pyjamas (these go back clean) and to come home in on Sunday (she never sends anything back that is originally from ours so we started sending her back in her 2nd day outfits from mums as we weren’t getting anything back) ex demands all outfits from her house are sent back to her but she no longer wants to pack a bag so thinks we should just wash the outfit from the Saturday to send her home in from the Sunday

the clothes are all bought from similar places and are all in good condition as well so it would be so much easier to just have a back and forth but partners ex isn’t interested in doing that

Show quote history

I'm sorry I still don't understand. Why does it matter if the ex doesn't return the clothes that you send her home in from your wardrobe? In my head it's a case of maths....as long as the same number of outfits go in and out, they're all BC's clothes so why does it matter?

It sounds like you're weaponising clothes to try and score points against each other. The ex is demanding all the clothes that go into your house back but isn't that what you did first? You said "the ex never sends back clothes from our house so we stopped sending her in clothes from ours".

Snorlaxo · 21/10/2024 18:20

I would change her into your clothes when she arrives on Saturday then put on mum’s clothes on Sunday morning.

Cm19841 · 21/10/2024 18:20

You can make light work of this by having a routine and not engaging. When she arrives on Saturday she changes out of the clothes she arrived in. She wears the clothes you keep for her. She goes to bed in the PJs you supply and you never take the PJs from the overnight bag. On Sunday she wears the clothes you provide. Before she goes home she puts back on the clothes she came to you wearing the day before.

No conversation necessary. No conflict. Don't reply to any argument. Just make sure she is always warm. That is it.

Any washing required? Her dad does it.