AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

Bonus barn (child) - is what you call a step child in Sweden

She’s 5 not 18m, she probably heard her stepmum refer to her as her stepdaughter or whatever and said she didn’t like it so they came up with something she preferred. Much like my niece much prefers the shortened version of her name and has done since she was very little… kids do have voices and opinions you know! Presumably her dad calls her his daughter since that’s what she is! 🙄

If mum isn't reliable at packing things then maybe dad could be more reliable at checking she has what she needs when he picks her up. Why is it all on the mother? Why can't the dad take on some of the mental load and check she has a coat or jumper and if she doesn't then send her back into the house to get one? Then there shouldn't be any issue at all.

You met your DP when dsd was 1.5? How much custody did he have?

I feel like with these posts there is always some reason everyone else is to blame.

It seems odd that a judge ordered such little custody based on a " false " domestic violence report. Courts don't tend to take kindly to that sort of thing.

Agreed, and apparently fighting for more custody but also expected the mother to share the drop offs and collections for the once a fortnight overnight stay and the mother 'got her own way' when the dad had to do them.

Surely every extra minute would be precious and he'd have no problem doing both. It can't look that good for him in court if he's saying he wants more access but then trying to kick up a fuss that he might have to both pick up AND collect.

'Mum's not very reliable at packing weather appropriate clothing ' Eh maybe the dad could check she has a coat when he picks her up.

On OP's other thread she also wanted to put boundaries in place with the stepdaughter when she was being clingy with her when she had a newborn and she said the stepdaughter didn't really listen to her and threw a dig in at the mother there too and said the mother said she didn't have to listen to her as she's not her mum.

Isn't that supposed to be shared between the 2 parents? Why would the dad be responsible for both journeys?
Particularly when the mum is one who moved away...

The mum removes the clothes before pick up on purpose, as OP already explained.

Firstly, well done for building a lovely relationship from the sounds of it - so many step parents don't do that. Secondly, completely agree - either have her change when she arrives and change back when she leaves - or if you think this could work ask the mother to send her with two outfits one more time and promise to wash one set during the time you don't have her so that effectively she is always returned home in the outfit she arrived in on the prior visit.

I’d send her back in one of your outfits the first week. If mum asks where her clothes are from her house you can say they are in the wash. Then the week after send her back in the clean outfit and put that weeks outfit in the wash. Alternate the two outfits and you’ll have all week to wash them.

When she gets to your house put her in clothes from your house and then change her back into her own clothes on the Sunday before she goes back to her mum. Or rather get dad should do all of that and deal with his ex. I don't get the not packing a bag thing though. How does that work if a child is going between two homes? If my child went for a sleepover at their friend's they took a bag. Why is this different?

I think previous posters suggestion of taking off the clothes when she comes in and putting her in something else is a good one - but for future you don't have to keep the wash on a 1hr cycle - you can abort the 1hr cycle after 10mins and just then put on spin. I wash my kids clothes like uniform that need a refresh for 10-15mins without adding clothes wash, sometimes I add softener so they have nice smell.

Maybe because the mum is doing 99% of the parenting? 100% of school runs etc. 40 mins is hardly a lot.

Why are you the one dealing with all of this? Dad so desperately wants her more, but doesn’t even take care of the basics of having her every other weekend? She’s HIS child, he should be the one dealing with this, he sounds utterly lazy and uninvolved.

Something in addition to what is expected is the meaning of bonus.

So is she a bonus child to your h?

I think it's a peculiar expression to use for a child.

And the idea of changing her into 'your' clothes straight away is a good one.

why is it just accepted that mum gets to insist on having clothes back but dad doesn’t? Maybe he could grow a backbone and start insisting too?!

Interesting that that is the same poster. Posting history does suggest that all is not as has been portrayed here....

I don't think there's rules on it.

Either way the mother has the child the vast majority of the time and will be doing all of the other lifts for the child

Why on earth would he not want to have any extra bit of time he got with his child if he's so keen for extra access?

I genuinely can't imagine a situation where I only saw my child that infrequently and then acted like it was a burden to have to do both journeys.

yeah but it is the father's natural child, not his fucking bonus child, how offensive and demeaning to the child. Beyond that the child should be able to wear the clothes for the part of 2 days that she is there, no washing required.

I see all these posts saying "well you only have her every other weekend, just wash the clothes" do you ppl not remember how tiring it is having a 5 month old and just wanting to go to bed when the other kids went to bed. I'd not want to be staying up another hour to do a wash, to then put on a rad, increasing my heating bills (in a cost of living crisis)

Also I completely get not wanting to have the kids clothes from OP house go back to mum's to never be seen again. Because if the mum is still bitter, you bet she is bloody binning them. Some people are salty like that.

And all those "it seems like there is a bigger story" do you know how hard it is to get custody via the courts. I've watched a friend fight and fight for his kids only to get the arrangement this couple have initially. She accused him of something he did not do and then when that was proven, it took 1 1/2 years and over £4k to get his kids half and half.

And I also think bonus child is a lovely term. Step child is so outdated.

Why is this your problem, get her dad to sort it out with her? 2 overnights a fortnight of dad having to wash and dry some clothes doesn't sound like he's overexerting himself as parent tbh

And what would you refer to them as if you weren't talking to them? She hasn't said she refers to them as a bonus child to their face. Bonus child is a lovely term

100% I can’t get past it!!

Jeez, she didn't ask your opinion on any of this!! Don't worry about it, it's not what's bothering her so don't let it bother you. We don't know any of the background, it's not our business and it's not relevant to this question. 😉

We wash the school uniform or whatever and send it back. It's not always dry as we don't have a tumble drier but it's the best we can do